Carrying the Legacy

I have joined a few adoption/adoptee/birth mom groups on Facebook. For communities tied by such personal bonds, they sure do like to beat each other up. I even got kicked out of one. The group was actively reaching out to pregnant women who had been considering adoption and bombarding these women with "adoption horror stories." I made a comment about how positive my own adoption had been and how positive (from a birth mother's point of view) my daughter's adoption has been. I also asked if after pressuring these women, if they helped support her after the baby was born. If not, why would they be pressuring women who were in bad situations to have their children experience the same? That's when I got kicked out. Maybe my lesson should have been don't go looking for meaningful conversation on social media.. ha! ;) 

I also took part in a study on adult adoptees study recently. 

One question asked me, "If you could say one thing to another adoptee what would it be?"

My answer: "You are loved. You are wanted more than you could ever know. I wish I knew you. I'd like to be friends." 

That's what I would tell every member of that group. You know what breaks down barriers, really breaks them down? Sitting down with someone, who isn't like you and getting to know them, and why they feel the way they do. You don't have to agree with them, but you can develop an understanding and empathy. 

I'm studying the French and Algerian War right now, basically a historical context of terrorism we should have studied before going into Iraq. At the very core, was a lack of understanding. If you asked the French their opinion of the Algerians, they would say barbaric, tribal, uneducated animals. If you asked the Algerians their opinion of the French they would say pompous, greedy, sinners who are influenced by the devil. Thousands of lives could have been saved if they had taken the time to understand where the other was coming from. 

I know it's not that simple, but as humans we have shared experiences. To tie this back together...adoptees have shared experiences. We all have our own feelings about adoption, various experiences, our own truths. There was a great quote from that adoption study I took part in. It said, "One person's positive experience does not cancel out another person's bad experience. Each is a valid, lived experience."

(NY Times Bestselling Authors usually say things better that I do.) 

I'm going admit to something ridiculous. I don't think I have ever admitted this to anyone. Sometimes, I feel my adoption is less valid than others because it is so positive. Isn't that ridiculous? I was adopted as a newborn. I didn't have to struggle through a foster care system. 

This isn't to say things were perfect. There were screaming matches with my mom as a teenager. I would tell her how she's not my "real" mom. There was separation anxiety, depression, lashing out, anger issues, but there are so many other human experiences that result in those things too. 

Life is hard enough. I will work on carrying this legacy by viewing every adoption experience as valid and equal, volunteer to mentor and take part in discussions. We have come so far in the past 30 years! From closed adoption, to semi-open, to open. We're just getting started!

P.S. This time next week I'll be on a road trip! A few days after that I'll be spending time with my daughter and her family. I LOVE THEM! I cannot wait!