Two years.

I'm writing this post a bit late as I was in Southbridge, Mass. for two weeks of intense leadership training. When I say intense... 15 hour days that start with a 5 a.m. PT (Physical Training) session and whole lot of group bonding and deep sharing.. my apologies for the delay!

As I write this, it's November! National Adoption Month check out the History of Adoption Month here.

BB's (baby blue eye's) second birthday started in a very similar way to her first birthday. I woke up and thought about what everyone in this wonderful house was doing and thinking two years ago. It was a planned C-section because BB was a week past her due date without contractions and hadn't dropped, waiting much longer she would be too big and it would cause extra complications. 

Sooo much anxiety that day. Could I make it through an epidural? Would Dutch reach out? How much would this hurt? How do I navigate respecting everyone's feelings but make sure I set the foundation of the way I want this future to look? Would Macie and Tom change their minds? Would BB be born healthy? Please oh please just let her be healthy!

I am bringing this little life into the world, it's really scary to feel responsible for the existence of a human life and hand the responsibility of her safety, health and happiness over to someone else. There were a lot of "what ifs" running around my head.

My parents were in a hard place of not agreeing with my decision but also knowing what it meant to be in Tom and Macie's shoes as hopeful adoptive parents.

Sarah's voice would pop into my head, "make decisions from a place of love and not a place of fear." Best advice ever. I sure wish the current me could have talked to me in that moment.

I would tell her: This is the most amazing decision you could ever make. This provides BB with two of the most incredible parents you could ever imagine. You don't know Tom and Macie super well yet, but you love them already. That love will grow even more and develop into a really fantastic friendship to share stories and photos and experiences.  

You want her to be able to travel? Well let me tell you, she will have a passport and visit Canada before she even turns two! BB will even meet your grandparents and Aunt in St. Louis. Joe will even find her the coolest Clydesdale stuffed animal during a tour.

 You wanted her to have a foundation of faith? You'll get to sit in mass together and thank god and tell him how grateful you are and watch her claim gleefully "Hi Daddy!" as Tom completes a reading. 

You wanted her to have the big family you didn't get to experience? Well she will have the most incredible bond with Macie's mom. It's beautiful. You know she's a little ball of light, and she's going to share that light, and when they are together.. they shine! She will have incredible aunts, an uncle, and cousins who ADORE her. She will get to spend time on a farm and around horses and dogs. That little girl LOVES dogs. Her parents will be more than you could have ever asked for. The way she curls up on Macie in the morning when first getting up and the way she cheerfully greets them, "Hi Mommy!" and "Hi Daddy!" will completely melt your heart. 

You wanted her to grow up in a place where education is important? You're going to have all kinds of fun conversations about her already established college fund and her dad will soon be promoted to a professor. 

There will be a lot of fun surprises along the way. She will LOVE to read, she will love dogs as much (if not even more!) than you do. She will bring soo much light and love and laughter into sooo many people's lives. You'll enjoy this and feel so fulfilled that the only thing you can do is stand back and let out a small thank you to the universe. You will be able to brag about her at work and show off pictures. She will LOVE being in Macie and Tom's Jeep! She's a jeep girl after your own heart. It's a wonderful jumbled mix of nature and nurture at work.

With a lot of help along the way, you made the right decision. No doubt! Enjoy the laughs and bonding in the hospital, you'll survive the struggles and fights with your mom. You won't understand until later how much she's hurting too. Be kind to yourself, you want to be around for as long as possible to support BB as her Jacquie, as her birthmother in any and every way she may need that you aren't even aware of yet. This is only year two.. there's a lifetime of adventure ahead!  

P.S. your favorite guilty pleasure will still be "Teen Mom." You'll watch a young mother be abandoned by a man who went against adoption with every fiber in his body and then failed to show up. You'll watch the mother of that girl tell her how much of her future has been robbed by having to be a single mother for the second time. You'll watch the struggles of those families and know over and over again you made the right decision.Your heart will also break a little each time you see Catlynn and Tyler on the show and watch the relationship with the adoptive parents deteriorate, you've seen it happen to other birthmother's and decide to work a little harder on educating families and helping birth mothers. 

P.S. You'll be on your way to complete your Master of Arts Degree in Defense and Strategic Studies at the Naval War College and have the opportunity of a lifetime for leadership training. You wouldn't accomplish those things for yourself had you made a different decision. Thank you for making the right decision for both BB and yourself. 

*Next year I'd love to include Macie and Tom's side of everything they experienced, thought and felt that day :)

Up Next:

• A walk by the river
• The Starving Rooster
• Girls Shopping Day
• Ghost Tour
• Bismarck's Art Alley
• Salem Sue
• Birthday Party
• Mass
• Dinner
• Riverboat Tour