A Legacy of Adoption

Being adopted a few days after being born was one the best things to ever happen to me. I would have never had the opportunities or known the amount of love I’ve had throughout my life. Fast forward 30 years and I never could have imagined I would be a birth mom. I'm starting this blog to help anyone else navigate through adoption, to dispel the myths of adoption and talk about the realities. I can't tell the story of my daughter's adoption until I talk about my own. My birth mom was a very young teenager when she became pregnant. My biological father was in the Marine Corps. He proposed. She declined. She could barely take care of herself at that age, how could they raise a child? A photo of my birth mom in 1985, the year I was born and one of her favorite horses. A Tennessee Walker named Jeep :)

There was much more of a shame stigma in the mid 80's than there is now, it still exists but less so. For bearing a child outside of marriage. So my birth mom was sent off to a school for pregnant women. Not too far from her were my parents. They were a couple who had been trying for years to have a child. They had every medical test and surgery known to man and were told they were not meant to have children. They had also been scammed out of a lot of money. An agency took their money, led them to believe they were about to adopt a little boy from Mexico, then disappeared. It makes my blood boil thinking about an agency taking advantage of them at such a vulnerable time. They were soon referred to a state agency. They put together a file that contained their information and photos. This is one of several files my birth mother was given. She loved that my dad was in the Navy and that I would have an opportunity to see the world. She loved that my mom was a nurse and I would have someone who could take care of me. My parents shared the same Catholic religion, which in a predominantly Mormon area was hard to find. My parents didn't submit glamour shot staged photos, they were out back packing, hiking and smiling. My parents reminded my birth mom of her own parents.

 This is a photo of my parents on their first date:

She chose them :) We had a semi-open adoption. I knew my birth mom's name, had photos, a letter and a necklace my biological father had given her. Semi-open adoptions were practically unheard of at that time. I'm thankful she went against the norm. I didn't hear much from her growing up, she was afraid to interfere with the way my family wanted to parent. When I turned 18, I received a huge packet in the mail containing my medical history, family history and news that I had a half brother and half sister a few years younger than I am. We immediately starting e-mailing and planning a trip. We took a family vacation to Yellowstone, Glacier National Park and further north to meet her.

These were taken when I met her. Her decision impacted my life in the best way. I got to travel and have an amazing education. I never wanted for anything. I grew up with two parents who are very much in love and have now been married more than 36 years. I don't remember there being a day I was told about being adopted. My parents explained it to me and read me adoption stories before I was even old enough to understand. Were things perfect? Absolutely not! I was a horrendous teenager. Yet had I not been adopted, I may have never left Idaho. I would have gone through my birth mother's unhealthy relationships. I would have grown up in a stressful environment as she navigated motherhood as a teenager, something she wasn't prepared for. Instead I was placed in a loving home and had a wonderfully supportive family who wanted me more than anything they have ever wanted.

Every year for my birthday I am told how much I was wanted and how much I am loved. My parents tell me about the night they received the phone call about my birth. They say it was one of the happiest moments in their life. Who wouldn't want to hear that? Oh, and those infertility issues they were having? Well wouldn't you know a few days after they brought me home, my mom found out she was pregnant. My sister and I are about eight months apart. I've had a built in best friend my entire life. It was another day of absolute joy for my parents.

 

(Me welcoming home my sister)

 

Fast forward 30 years and I am a communications and outreach professional in the D.C. area. I was completely panicked when I found out I was pregnant after a birth control defect. My boyfriend and I decided we were not in a good place to be parents. We discussed all of our options. To raise a baby together, abortion or adoption. My family even offered to retire early to help me raise the baby. I cried for days and was completely panicked. My relationship fell apart and abortion was not an option to me personally. I would never judge anyone else on what choice they feel is best for them. I can only walk in my own shoes.

I started to research an endless amount of adoption types and agencies. I came across Graceful Adoptions and for the first time, I felt calm. My wonderful friend Sarah told me to make decisions from a place of love and not from a place of fear. She also told me to tap my fingers on my thigh to connect that feeling of calm with that tapping sensation so that later when I would feel panicked about my decision I could just tap my fingers and be taken right back to that moment of serenity knowing I made the right choice. I tapped my fingers on my thigh quite a bit the past couple of months.

When I looked at Graceful Adoptions the families looking to adopt seemed so warm. I appreciated the fact they had been through background checks, financial screenings, home checks, and training. I also liked that there was no "typical birth mom." Birth moms featured on the page were all ages, some were single, some were married, some had placed children for adoption before, for others this was a first time pregnancy, some had older children, some had younger. I was worried I would be judged for having a career, making good money and having a good family.

How could I not keep a baby? I asked myself, how could I keep her? I had a small studio in Alexandria, we're talking less than 550 sq. feet with my giant loving bull mastiff. How could I balance a career and a baby and start a Master's Degree? Wouldn't I be judged for being selfish? No. A lot of people didn't agree with my decision, people I was used to having in my corner. When you know you are making the right choice, you don't need anyone to agree with you.

During my search I found several agencies I didn't agree with. Some agencies, specifically religious ones won't work with you if the father is not 100% on board. My boyfriend did help to choose adoption and did help to choose the parents, but disappeared after that for three months. I would have never guessed that would have been his response. He didn't even respond to information about her birth or her pictures. I heard from him two weeks after she was born. He was served papers in the middle of his new command on the first week there. He could have avoided the entire thing, so I took a little bit of pleasure from that.

Graceful Adoptions didn't judge me. They also offered more support to the birth parents than any other agency I compared them to. They helped me by providing a wonderful lawyer, support, life time counseling, medical and expense coverage. I immediately had a team of people in my corner that helped me navigate through each step of the process. They were always available to answer every question at any time, and have never failed to be there for me. There was never any judgement, just support.

 My boyfriend and I decided adoption would be the best decision.
 - She would have two loving parents, not just me as a single full-time working mom.
 - She would have a stay-at-home mom.
- She would have better opportunities for education (they've already started saving for her college!)
 - She would have opportunities to travel.
- She would be loved unconditionally by people who wanted and loved her before she was even born.

I called Graceful Adoptions and had several conversations with Karen. She took the time to really listen to what I wanted. I had a semi-open adoption with my birth mom, I knew who she was, had a heartfelt letter from her and a necklace. I met her and the rest of my biological family when I turned 18 and I cherish the amazing relationship I now have with her and the rest of my family. As much of a wonderful experience as it was, I didn't want my daughter to ever feel abandoned or unloved. I wanted her to know me, to know why I chose adoption for her and to always be able to reach out if she ever had a question. I told Karen ideally I wanted an open adoption with regular updates and annual visits.

She took all the information I gave her and sent me several profiles of families. My boyfriend and I looked at them separately and came to the same agreement on the couple we would like to talk to. I was nervous when I interviewed one of the couples on the phone, they were perfect. There wasn't a single question they answered that made me pause for concern. They were funny, quirky and answered the questions in the exact way I would have. It showed me that Graceful Adoptions really listens to what you are looking for and takes the time to find the best match. I don't say all of this to try to persuade anyone to use Graceful Adoptions, but I hope they set a standard of care that you should expect to receive from whomever you choose to place with.

 The couple we chose flew out to D.C. a few weeks later. I met them for dinner the first night then we had lunch and walked around an artist gallery the next day. They met my family the third day and at that point they felt like family too. During the pregnancy and through each step I had the support of Graceful Adoptions, their counseling services and legal advice. They handled so many things that would have just overwhelmed me. I was working full-time, going to endless doctor’s appointments and navigating my way through the adoption process while dealing with the end of a three year on-again off-again relationship and family medical emergencies. It was such a relief to have such a wonderful team of people to reach out to.

We established a communications plan for the future, I filled out documents so that my daughter would have as much medical and social history about me as possible, we even put together a hospital plan. There were so many things mentally and physically Graceful Adoptions helped prepare me for. I will forever cherish the time I got to spend with my daughter and her adoptive parents in the hospital. I had the opportunity to watch them fall in love deeply and instantly. They helped me through my C-section recovery, they would care for our daughter while I was sleeping or eating but also gave me time alone with her. We exchanged gifts and I gave them a letter expressing my hopes and dreams for them as a family.

Putting my daughter in the car seat to go home with them was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I knew she was always meant to be theirs, they were an answer to a prayer. I had an opportunity to have dinner with my daughter and her parents before they flew back home. It was wonderful to get to see them as a family. They high-five before diaper changes and her dad sings to her the names of all the people who love her. It's a wonderfully long song.

We set up a private Facebook page to exchange photos and share updates. I can't wait until our first visit. I miss my daughter terribly, but I would have never been able to provide the life and love she has with her parents.

I had an interesting conversation with Karen, the founder of Graceful Adoptions while I was in the hospital. Because my adoption was such a positive experience I had no doubts I was providing the best life for my daughter possible. Statistically, most adopted children born in the mid-80's and earlier don't choose adoption for their own children because they had such negative experiences.

 I hope that my daughter will never be put in a similar situation, but I love that she and I will be able to connect on a level only adoptees understand. We are a legacy of adoption.