A letter to my daughter's parents

I wanted to ease Macii's and Tom's fears about the adoption, about our relationship, about everything. So I wrote this letter to them and gave it to them in the hospital on the first night.  

Dearest Macii and Tom,

I have been trying to decide on a gift to give you both to show my appreciation and love for not just choosing adoption, but choosing me as a birth mom and for giving BB the absolute best life that I am unable to at this time. When Tom talked about proposing and Macii had that list of five things, a written letter just seemed the right way to go. We've traveled the road of adoption together, with respect, honesty and some wonderful humor. We've shared our hopes, our fears and our dreams for this baby we all love.

One of my biggest fears is that I will not be emotionally able to celebrate with you both in the way I want when BB is born, please know I am just so happy for you! I know as surely as I know my own name that you are meant to be BB's parents. I don't have a single doubt.

The most surprising thing for me during this adoption journey is how much the decision has affected more than just me. She has a birth mother, great grandparents, grandparents, an Aunt and friends who love her and will miss her to the depths of their souls. Even though there will be sadness, there is so much more to be happy about, she is gaining much more.

She has soo much more love, and not less. She has two parents instead of one, parents who love her unconditionally and want her more than anything before she ever came into existence. In my eyes, you will always be her Mom and Dad. That thought brings me happiness. She will have two parents who love each other so very much and both of your families who already know and love her as one of their own, even though they have yet to meet. There is something so beautiful about that.

I know there has been an immense amount of pressure for you both that comes with this process, choosing an agency, jumping through hoops with that agency emotionally, financially and legally. I also know there will be an immense amount of pressure to be perfect as you go through more checks.

I hope to lift some of that pressure from your shoulders. I know that there is no telling what is ahead:  unemployment, divorce, or disease.. all things I hope you never have to experience but I know there are so many ebbs and flows of ordinary life.  Like any other family, you will manage some days better than others, but it will never be my expectation for you to be perfect. I'm certainly not!

I would love for you to think of me and my family as extended family to BB, we're forever in her corner, and forever in yours. We want to celebrate with you over milestones and want to cry with you over scraped knees and any troubles. I also don't want to interfere with your parenting, so if I or anyone comes on too strong please feel free to ask for more space at any time.

I also want to make you a promise that BB is yours. I will not change my mind between the day of her birth and the legal day of her adoption. I know that you must be living with the fear that I could change my mind.  I'm also scared... scared that after the adoption my family and I may ask too much or be too overbearing and could lose contact, please feel free to be as open and direct with us as to what makes you comfortable and if there is anything you are not comfortable with.

It seems these days people are much more supportive of adoption, but growing up as an adoptee, I do have some advice. Ignore anyone who says anything to you about not being her "real" parents or that she will be confused as to who her "real" parents are. You are her parents, it's just that simple. You will feed her, dress her, bathe her, read to her, sing songs to her, play with her, teach her give her hugs and kisses, tend to her boo-boos, take care of her when she is sick, listen when she talks and make sure she's happy and healthy and smart. No confusion there! My mom was afraid she would be replaced when I started a relationship with my biological mom, I told her she is my mom. It is that simple. She has given me an entire lifetime of parenting and love, that can't be replaced.

Should Dutch ever decide to come around, and I hope for BB's sake he does, I would say the same thing to Tom, you are her dad, you are not replaceable. It is that simple.

My hopes for you as a family:

I hope this is just one of many amazing life changing experiences.

I hope you hear over and over again how you will be amazing parents.

I hope you believe it because it is true.

I hope for strength in times of sadness.

I hope that the three of you will have a love for life, to treasure every glorious minute of it.

I hope you never really grow up.

I hope you will write, and take pictures.

I hope for nothing but love, success and endless blessings.

Thank you for being a blessing to my life, but more importantly to BB.

Love,

Jacquie