You can't find peace...

I recently finished a book called "The Orphan Train." It opened my eyes to some of our country's history I never knew.

A quarter of a million children from East Coast orphanages were loaded on trains and sent to the Midwest.  They were presented at each train stop for "picking" from 1854 to 1929. Most weren't adopted, they were used as labor, "picked" and then discarded at any whim.

The novel is fiction but highlights this little-known part of history by linking the present with the past. I highly recommend it if you're looking for a good read.

There was a quote that really struck me. "You can not find peace until you find all the pieces." I met a woman on my flight to L.A. yesterday. When I pulled out my laptop she asked about the picture of BB, and so began our conversation about open adoption. She was very much against it.

I understand the fears, the unknowns, the protective nature you take on as a parent, but what would life be like if we ran and shutout everything we were afraid of? You're denying a peace to a child because he/she won't have all the pieces.

It makes me more and more thankful every day for being matched with and choosing BB's parents. This week I also challenged more of my own bias. When asked what kind of parents I was BB to go to I mentioned wanting her to go to parents where she would be their first child. I'm sure I chose that because I'm the oldest child, enjoyed the experience and wanted her to have the same and not have to share for a while. (If she ends up with younger brothers or sisters one day, that's wonderful! If not, that's great too!)

Well I met an amazing couple who has adopted two children and their hearts are open and ready to adopt a third. As a birth mother, I would not have chosen them from a packet because they have two children. (On the opposite side, a birth mother may not want a couple because they don't have children). What I didn't realize is that by having two children already you can get a sense of their parenting style, see how much love they have to give and see if they follow through on their communication plan with their child's birth mother. They are amazing! I ALMOST wish I could have a second baby just to place with them, they have such a close and amazing relationship with their son's birth mother. It really gives me a lot of hope for what my relationship with BB's parents could grow into.

So now I realized I had two biases - single parents (that post is here) and parents with children. So if you're anything like me, don't count them out!  (I wouldn't trade Macii and Tom for the world though!)

As I write this, I'm in the Biltmore in L.A. for a wedding. I'm continuing the tradition of picking up a book for BB wherever my travels take me and writing her a note in it. I picked up "Good Night Los Angeles" during this trip.

 I just sent off an Easter and St. Patrick's day package to Macii, Tom and BB. I'll post some photos after they receive it :)

I'll have more to write about the wedding, but for now here is a photo I took last night of the lobby. It was built in 1923 and the timeless elegance of the building reflects that.

Six Months Reflection

I can't believe this week will mark six months since BB was born. I will probably be a bit all over the place in this post.

Here she is trying rice cereal for the first time with the bib my sister sent her!

Still Fighting Hospital Bills
It has been a very interesting couple of weeks. First, I thought all of BB's hospital claims through my insurance were settled but nope! I shall keep fighting the good fight!

Adoption and My Work
Work has been interesting. People have been shifting to different offices and cubicles so co-workers who are not usually in my space have been in my area. I have pictures of BB on my desk, so naturally they ask questions. It usually starts off with, "is that your daughter? She looks just like you! She has the most striking blue eyes."

I agree with them and brag about her but I never hesitate to tell them I placed her for adoption and what an amazing family she has. Some responses have included, "You should have kept her. She should be with you, you're well enough off," and my favorite was a discussion that I must cry all day and cry myself to sleep when I'm at home over my decision.

Umm, you very clearly do not know me. Do you see me smile every time our eyes meet? Has my work faltered? Am I mess? No. Do you know why? Because I made the best decision for BB, I've never had a single doubt about that.

I miss her. I wish I could be there for more of the every day moments. I constantly ask myself if I'm doing enough to be there for her or if I'm doing too much.

I will say as I reflect on everything that has happened in the past six months, I haven't really talked about my office. I had no idea I was pregnant when they hired me in April, about five months along at that point.

When I found out in July and needed to ask for maternity leave (our wonderful government with its unpaid leave) I was worried they would judge me and just assume I had hidden the pregnancy from them. I couldn't have been more wrong. They were wonderful. They were nothing but supportive. They even showed up to the hospital the day BB was born. That meant more to me than they will ever know. 

They check in on me often and even our SES and his deputy check in on me regularly. They are very  interested in hearing about how adoption is changing and how this open adoption concept works.


BB's Parents
I'm so thankful every day that Tom and Macii are BB's parents. Macii's father recently passed due to a stroke. My heart just broke for them. Tom sent me a text to let me know they would be behind on updates because they had so much going on. I told them I completely understood and asked if we could send flowers. (We did, with love from our Va Family to our ND Family.) Not only was I sad for Macii, but I was sad that I would never get to meet the amazing man who raised Macii. At the same time I was so grateful that he got to meet BB and there are so many wonderful photos of BB with him.

In the same text they let me know they have their tickets to D.C. and I absolutely can not wait to see them! I've been keeping busy moving into my new place and getting everything set up. I'll post some pics in my next blog.