Rooted in love

(This is the first in a series of posts about my trip out West, a trip as an adoptee to see my biological family,  spend time with my daughter and her adoptive parents during her second birthday, and a road trip with my best friend filled with new experiences!)

A year's worth of work was about to culminate in an event called the Secretary of Defense Employer Support Freedom Award on Aug. 25. My co-workers kept mentioning to me they bet I couldn't wait for it to be over. The amount of stress and lack of sleep was unreal.

It wasn't so much that I couldn't wait for it to be over, but I couldn't wait for my trip out West. The team executed the event flawlessly. As I sat at a table in an Irish Pub called Sine surrounded by people I was so appreciative of, people who put everything on the line to honor our guests, it was a moment of being sublimely proud and content.

If I had to do it over again, I would not have scheduled my flight for 6 a.m. the next morning. I was sleep deprived, on a weird eating schedule and drained. I exhaled the stress once I sat on my first flight. With every exhale I felt my health declining and of course became sick..ugh! I was run down but I was soaring through the air over the county on my way to family, to adventure, to new experiences and I could not wait to throw my arms around my best friend Sarah and hear all about her backpacking adventures, especially during the eclipse. She had arrived about a week earlier in Wyoming with her sister. Her sister flew out of Boise, Idaho the same day I flew in.

On my birth mom's side of the family my Aunt Andrea, Aunt Robin, her husband Jeremy, my Grandma Mary and my Grandpa Rob were awaiting our arrival. We had a fabulous pizza dinner. I hugged each of them extra long and extra tight, it had been a long time since I had been in Boise. We talked about my birth mom's adoption decision, what each of their own perspectives were which naturally led to discussions on my decision to place BB for adoption. They were honest discussions but each from a place of love.

One of my absolute favorite things about my best friend is her story-telling ability and sense of humor, she is so intelligent and hilarious. The speed her brain works is just marvelous. The entire evening was filled with laughter. Until that moment, I didn't realize how fiercely I missed them.

(My best friend Sarah and my Aunt Robin's dog Keelyn) 

Consciously, I never think about the fact I don't really look like my mom, dad or sister. In this room, the smiles, the hair, the expressions, it was familiar, I belong. I also love the reminder that Washington D.C. is not the only way of life. Farming and being a rancher and caring for livestock and the land, it's a good reminder of my roots. It's hard work. REALLY hard work. I can't help but sometimes wonder what it would be like to have grown up here. I'd like to think I would be one hell of a horse woman, but I may not have ever left the town and gotten to see the world. I wouldn't be the same person, and I really like myself. I got the best of both worlds.

I loved getting to spend time with my Aunt Robin. She is an incredible artist!

The only sad part was realizing how much time had gone by since I had seen them. Their Rottweiler Braun was around 2 when I saw him, youthful and full of energy. He is a wonderful senior at 11 years old, but with his arthritis it was a reminder of just how much time had really passed.

We got on the road the next morning. It wasn't enough time, but I loved every minute of it. Sarah was kind enough to drive and let me medicate myself and sleep on the way. We were off to the incredible Sawtooth Mountains then to Lewiston to spend time with my birth mom Erica.

March Visit to St. Louis

Ya know how sometimes you keep telling yourself, I really need to do such and such and don't quite get around to it? I feel horrible I have not updated this blog in so long.. so it is August and I'm talking about our March visit to St. Louis.. yeesh!

So open adoption has made so many incredible things possible. My grandparents in St. Louis got to meet BB! My grandparents and aunt live in St. Louis so Macie and Tom came out with BB to stay with me in the condo. My parents were kind enough to stay with my aunt and grandma. My sister and her girlfriend got a hotel.

My grandfather is in a care facility for dementia and Alzheimer's. There really is a circle of life. BB's toys change and become more complex as she gets older. My grandfather's needs have changed as he gets older and his dementia progressed. His activities have gone in the reverse direction, he needs simplicity. We picked up lunch at Steak and Shake and met everyone at his care home to have lunch with him. He does NOT share his chocolate chip cookies with anyone. I've never seen him offer a cookie to ANYONE. He handed cookie after cookie to BB though. He got to meet his great granddaughter! I wasn't sure we would ever have the opportunity, I wasn't sure my grandpa would live long enough. I am so thankful to BB's parents for being so open minded. My grandpa shook Tom's hand and wanted to know more about Tom and Macie.

(sharing chocolate chip cookies with her great grandpa rich)

We went outside into the courtyard and I wasn't sure if BB and my grandpa would interact at all, but they found the most perfect game for the two of them without any help from us. Grandpa would hand BB a stick and she would go make a stick pile, this went back and forth for quite some time. It was really special and a lot of fun to watch. 

My grandpa has limited communication abilities and knows we are his people but doesn't always comprehend what "wife," "daughter," or "son" correspond to. During a quiet moment, my mom took the opportunity to explain the adoption to him. I wasn't there but I think it went along the lines of, "Do you remember how we adopted Jacquie? Well Jacquie had BB and Macie and Tom adopted her, they are part of our family, isn't it wonderful?" We don't know how much he comprehends or how much he will remember but I think it was the right thing to do. 

                        

                                      (BB and her great grandpa Rich playing the stick game) 

My grandmother and my aunt were troopers, my grandmother was sick and my aunt had broken a few bones but they were there to meet BB, Macie and Tom and the airport and participate in as many events as possible. 

This trip was a bit hard balancing so many priorities and events. We did make it to the butterfly garden in Faust Park and got this amazing family photo: 

                         

Another favorite photo was of my dad and my grandmother as a beautiful blue butterfly landed on her hair. Don't mind my mom just hanging out in the background lol!

                         

                                      (My dad, my grandma Jerry, my mom) 

I loved that I got to be a part of bath time, and reading and playing blocks and watching Doc McStuffins. The show has an adoption story line! I love that BB tattled on me when we were playing with a funny light up stand up toy. We all went to a St. Louis Blues hockey game and she sat through the entire game watching it like a champ!! I held her and danced around while she giggled. 

                                   

I wish I had known how amazing this would turn out. I wish I would have known how much I was going to love her, it would have made the pregnancy and adoption less stressful, but BB had it. Her personality is amazing, she was meant to be with her parents. It may not be your belief but there was clearly a larger plan and she is exactly where she was meant to be. 

Her parents are amazing! On the list of things I wanted for her was to travel. She's not even two and has her own passport and has been to Canada to Banff National Park, I just gush over how incredible that is. 

                           

                                        (Looking at the birds in my grandpa's care facility) 

 (My dad and my daughter :) 

My parents went to a wedding recently and a family friend asked my mom why she and my dad weren't raising BB because they are amazing parents. My mom said, "well that is not what Jacquie wanted." That stayed with me for a few days. I asked my mom, "You know I didn't chose adoption thinking you and dad wouldn't be good guardians for her?" My mom replied, "Well, I think so." I told her she and dad are amazing parents but there was no way I would have been able to let them take the majority of the responsibility for her. It would have caused a lot of fights and resentment between us and that would not have been the best environment for BB. 

BB has soooo much more than I/we could have ever provided and her parents are the most amazing people on this planet. Everyone in the family LOVES and adores them.

So in addition to the hockey game and butterfly garden we went to the zoo (for a very short time because it started storming really bad) and the budweiser brewery so BB could see Clydesdales :) 

My amazing wonderful friend Joe came over and was our St. Louis tour guide for the day. We had amazing BBQ at Pappy's Smoke House and while stuck in St. Patricks Day Parade traffic managed to get us an amazing photo in front of the arch. Joe just hugs me and goes on these crazy adventures and is so open-minded and embracing and fun to be around. I hope to have that in the future in a romantic capacity. My family ADORES him! We went back for a trip in June and he and I had a picnic during Shakespeare in the Park, went to Grant's farm and did all kinds of fun dog rescue activities. He's going to visit me in D.C. next month :)

                       

                         (Joe and BB with her Clydesdale and real one in the background!)

In regards to Dutch, I've continued to send him photos via text and e-mail once every few months. He has never responded and most likely never will, but it won't be due to lack of me trying to keep some line of communication open for her. I was thinking today, if he really TRULY believed he wasn't her father (same blue eyes!) he would have asked for a paternity test, but he never did. So instead he hides behind a lie, because he knew if asked for a paternity test it would show he's the father and he couldn't hid behind a made up lie anymore. It's so weird that after 2 years time, i'm not mad. I'm sad because I know what the loss and lack of relationship with a biological father feels like, it's awful. I've met mine and still have a ton of questions like, do I have grandparents? Do they know about me? Why doesn't anyone want to meet me or know me? I did not mention to him I was coming to Boise. Anyways...
Between March and now August we have all shared stories and photos on BB's private facebook page and sent texts, which just always makes my day! There is a flurry of texts and laughter and smiles between my family whenever there is an update :)

I will be visiting in about a week in a half with my best friend Sarah for BB's 2nd Birthday :)

Sarah was there the day BB was born and taught us new parents how to swaddle. Sarah's been there for every visit and I just can't wait to introduce her to all of BB's family. Sarah has been my emotional security blanket through the adoption journey, when emotions get a little overwhelming she cracks a joke and i'm right back in the moment. She checks in with me when trips are getting closer, when it's anniversaries or birthdays or mother's day and I just love that about her. Everyone should get themselves a Sarah! The need for an emotional security blanket has grown into confidence and reassurance and excitement to bring others into our wonderful journey. 

oh! Also the first part of the trip before heading out to see BB, I  get to spend time with my biological family in Idaho. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!! I have missed them so incredibly much. I'm hoping this trip will plant the seed for an opportunity in the future for them to meet BB :) 

                          

Carrying the Legacy

I have joined a few adoption/adoptee/birth mom groups on Facebook. For communities tied by such personal bonds, they sure do like to beat each other up. I even got kicked out of one. The group was actively reaching out to pregnant women who had been considering adoption and bombarding these women with "adoption horror stories." I made a comment about how positive my own adoption had been and how positive (from a birth mother's point of view) my daughter's adoption has been. I also asked if after pressuring these women, if they helped support her after the baby was born. If not, why would they be pressuring women who were in bad situations to have their children experience the same? That's when I got kicked out. Maybe my lesson should have been don't go looking for meaningful conversation on social media.. ha! ;) 

I also took part in a study on adult adoptees study recently. 

One question asked me, "If you could say one thing to another adoptee what would it be?"

My answer: "You are loved. You are wanted more than you could ever know. I wish I knew you. I'd like to be friends." 

That's what I would tell every member of that group. You know what breaks down barriers, really breaks them down? Sitting down with someone, who isn't like you and getting to know them, and why they feel the way they do. You don't have to agree with them, but you can develop an understanding and empathy. 

I'm studying the French and Algerian War right now, basically a historical context of terrorism we should have studied before going into Iraq. At the very core, was a lack of understanding. If you asked the French their opinion of the Algerians, they would say barbaric, tribal, uneducated animals. If you asked the Algerians their opinion of the French they would say pompous, greedy, sinners who are influenced by the devil. Thousands of lives could have been saved if they had taken the time to understand where the other was coming from. 

I know it's not that simple, but as humans we have shared experiences. To tie this back together...adoptees have shared experiences. We all have our own feelings about adoption, various experiences, our own truths. There was a great quote from that adoption study I took part in. It said, "One person's positive experience does not cancel out another person's bad experience. Each is a valid, lived experience."

(NY Times Bestselling Authors usually say things better that I do.) 

I'm going admit to something ridiculous. I don't think I have ever admitted this to anyone. Sometimes, I feel my adoption is less valid than others because it is so positive. Isn't that ridiculous? I was adopted as a newborn. I didn't have to struggle through a foster care system. 

This isn't to say things were perfect. There were screaming matches with my mom as a teenager. I would tell her how she's not my "real" mom. There was separation anxiety, depression, lashing out, anger issues, but there are so many other human experiences that result in those things too. 

Life is hard enough. I will work on carrying this legacy by viewing every adoption experience as valid and equal, volunteer to mentor and take part in discussions. We have come so far in the past 30 years! From closed adoption, to semi-open, to open. We're just getting started!

P.S. This time next week I'll be on a road trip! A few days after that I'll be spending time with my daughter and her family. I LOVE THEM! I cannot wait!