Trips and Tattoos

Sooo for the rest of the posts about our trip out west, I'm going to recommend you read Sarah's blog.. because she is hilarious and I am terribly behind on life in general.

The Badlands!

Mt. Rushmore

Devils Tower

The Last Day

I recently got back from a whirlwind of a different trip.. this one for work. I had the incredible opportunity to visit South Korea and Pacific Combatant Command Headquarters in Hawaii for work to learn all about leadership. I think I'm actually going to write about the highlights of that trip on LinkedIn.

After very long days and non-stop travel I took two days of leave in Hawaii. An awesome woman who I hadn't really had a chance to get to know is part of our leadership group named Sally stopped into a tattoo shop on North Shore. I was so impressed with the work I immediately scheduled to have a tattoo done the next day.

I've always known I wanted a tattoo related to adoption and thought the adoption triad symbol would be a good representation:

 

... but is that not the most boring and basic thing as a tattoo design? The term and logo describe the three-sided relationship that exists in an adoption between birth parents, adoptive parents and the adoptee, each of which is interrelated and inter-dependent on the others.

 The tattoo artist Brooks is a pretty incredible individual. Check him out on instagram at @paubrooks I shared the stories of adoption in my life with him and I had noticed a radiation mask in his area and asked if it was his. He looked at me curiously wondering what experiences had brought me to that knowledge. That was followed by deep discussions of how much cancer sucks, especially when its in your head. His own experience and from my perspective with a family member. 

I'm getting off track, anyways we bonded and learned a lot from each other. 

I was especially impressed he free handed with sharpie the entire design, they are some seriously straight ruler straight lines. Here's what the progression looked like:

 He is a color MASTER! The orange/yellow/red section are sharks teeth. They represent shelter or coverage, guidance, power, ferocity, adaptability, etc. depending which way they are pointing. 

Ohana means family! This also brings back wonderful memories watching Lilo and Stitch with Jaclyn, who really helped get me through being pregnant and my 8 million questions, so including that just seemed even more appropriate!

What is that little black circle with squiggles you ask? That's an Enata! It symbolizes BB :) Enata is a typical motif in Polynesian tattoo designs to symbolize humans and gods. It’s commonly used for representing life experiences, birth, rank in society, etc.

So there's a whole lot of wonderful symbolism in addition to just the heart and triangle adoption triade shape. 

I asked Brooks when he comes out to the DC convention if he would mind expanding this into a half sleeve with Polynesian style waves and turtles, they symbolize things that are also very important in my life, but I'll save that for when I get the half sleeve done :)

 I also had to laugh because when I got back from my trip I stopped at my parent's house to pick up my dog and about 3 hours later my dad groans and asks, "Is that a new tattoo? ugh Jacquie." We have had this exact conversation about 11 times since i've turned 18. I told him I work in a conservative environment, tattoos are much more acceptable today and I gotta let that little bit of rebel out somehow.. GEEZE dad!

He's never been a rebel. He doesn't get it, and that's ok lol. 

I had a rule before this tattoo that everything I got would be easily covered for work (nothing below the elbow, nothing above the shoulder, etc.) I broke that role, this seemed like the right tattoo to break the rule. 

I went into the bank the other day to make a deposit and the teller asked about the tattoo. I told her, and I always brace myself a little bit because I get the full range of responses. She said to me, "I hope people tell you every single day of your life how strong you are and what a difference you made," annnd then I cried and hugged her, it caught me completely off guard!

I think it's all that wonderful Christmas spirit in the air. Speaking of Christmas, I can't wait to facetime with Tom, Maci and BB and tell them all about the treasures from South Korea and Hawaii I sent to them with love.

Lots of love to you all and I hope all your wishes come true this holiday season! :)

Bismarck Visit.. part 2!

(This is my sixth in a series of posts about my trip out west, a trip as an adoptee to see my biological family, spend time with my daughter and her adoptive parents during her second birthday, and a road trip with my best friend filled with new experiences!)

                                              Here we are two years later!

No need to write a minute by minute detail account of the trip but some of our highlights included:

A walk by the river:

I learned that BB is not a morning person, and will hold her hand up and tell you "No!" She is not ready for an audience until she has watched one episode of mickey and had her yogurt. It's quite dramatic and adorable.

We started the day off with a trip to the river walk. I love that the Missouri River flows through Bismarck, ND. It's like a physical moving tie between St. Louis and Bismarck. We started off at a great little cafe/coffee/bike shop. It was a gorgeous day and we had a chance to check out some incredible art representing the balance male/female, plants/animals, water/sky, spirit and creation.

This bridge as I understand it is iconic "Bismarck." Macie has some incredible art that includes this bridge at Loupine Design! I have some of her art hanging in my living room, I love it!

The Starving Rooster - Tom recently accepted an amazing opportunity to be a professor! He was helping some of the Freshmen move in and met Sarah, Macie, Myself and BB at a restaurant called the Starving Rooster. The place has great food, more importantly the head chef took the time to come out and talk to Sarah about her allergies. I will always tell people if they give her meat, she will die and I really like her and they will have a problem if anything ever happens to her. Sarah chimes in and says the allergic reaction won't happen for a few hours and she won't be their problem. (I know where her epi pen is and I know how to use it!)

                                                Tom and BB at the Starving Rooster :)

We took an opportunity to have a girls shopping day. I love all the shops in Bismarck Macie takes us to. A shop girl completely melted over BB. It went a little something like this:

Shopgirl: Well hello there!
BB: Hi!
Shopgirl: How are you?
BB: Party tomorrow!
Shopgirl: You're having a party tomorrow. Is it your birthday? How old will you be?
BB: (Thinks for a minute) Two!
Shopgirl: Oh my gosh two! What kind of party are you going to have?
BB: CAAAAKE!

Then BB started an all out dance party in the middle of the store everyone joined in on, it was hilarious and a complete blast!

                                               (Sarah and BB during girls shopping day!)

Later in the evening Tom took Sarah and I for a really fun ride in their jeep to go on a ghost tour of Bismarck. The city has a fascinating story.

       - It was founded by a madame. 
       - The history includes: gunfights, stabbings, prostitutes, gambling, prohibition,
         corruption, death, conflicts, fires and even a ghost story or two!
       - There are tunnels that run under the city, I had no idea!
       - I fell in love with the wet plate collaboration "Murderer's Gulch:"

Macie stayed at home with BB for the event. Thankfully it wasn't too creepy, but not a good event for a 2 year old for sure.

We walked around Bismarck a bit more after the tour because it was such a perfect night out and I asked Tom if we could show Sarah the Bismarck Alley Art. It was a work in progress when I was there last. A few more murals have been added since last year!

(photo above by Bismarck Alley Art) 

These are two of my favorites: 



The next morning it was officially party time! Macie and BB have a special bonding mother/daughter outing to get Tacos on Tuesdays so the theme of BB's party was adorable: "Taco Twosday!"

I loved getting to spend time BB's aunts, cousins and grandparents! They love BB so incredibly much.  Hugs, laughter, great food, party hats, and noise makers ensued.

Sometimes I notice Sarah worries that maybe she is dominating a conversation or talking too much. I don't think I've ever had that thought one time. Her story telling ability, willingness to share and openness is actually one of my favorite things about her. She tells the best stories and can bring an entire room to tears through laughter.

She was there with me in the hospital the day BB was born. She's had the opportunity to meet Macie and Tom and see BB, but this was different. I loved that Sarah got to see and experience BB in her own element surrounded by the love of her parents and her family.

Through the wonders of modern day technology we got to FaceTime with my folks back in Virginia while they were on their sailboat. BB exclaimed, "let me see!" and hugs and kisses the phone. We are butter in the palm of her adorable hand. She opened up a cute monkey card from my sister and really enjoyed the puzzles my parents got her. I surprised her with a few dress up kits and some play dough thanks to the wonderful recommendations from BB's mom. I really appreciated the recommendations because there was no way I was going to be able to one-up a scrap book with her adoption story in it.

After the party myself, Sarah, Tom, Macie and BB headed to mass. Tom was doing a reading and as he walked back to our pew BB excitedly exclaims, "Hi Daddy!"

I had to really laugh at myself though because during communion I'm used to two lines for bread and two separate lines for wine. Thinking I was just going to the shorter line for bread, I skipped right to wine.. whoops! That will make for a hilarious confession I'm sure.

It was nice to sing, to be in the light, play with BB, and enjoy the company of family and their community. BB is wonderful at making friends everywhere she goes! My prayers were full of gratefulness. A man in the elevator at work told me yesterday, "The more praise and thanks that go up, the more blessings rain down." I think that's true.

Also, I would call myself a cafeteria catholic. I choose the things that make my soul feel good and whole, and don't participate in negative things. I will always love the LGBTQ community and will never judge another woman for the choices she makes in regards to her body and life. Those are deeply personal and I would never presume to know what's best for anyone else.

Following mass, Tom and Macie's families were wonderful and met us for dinner. BB immediately made new friends with the servers. I could not believe after her party and mass she was still going strong. The adults were exhausted!

As a last birthday surprise Tom and Macie set up a projector with birthday balloons that filled the walls and ceiling of the house. We were all mesmerized.

One of the wonderful things about Macie and Tom is that they are always up for an adventure and cool with any requests to do weird things. Enter the  world's largest fiberglass Holstein cow sculpture! It sure was windy but I learned a lot about wind farms and Sue's purpose is "to honor and advertise the dairyman of our area ... the hardworking, persistent, and informed dairyman who is an asset to his community, church, the economy, and his family.

Macie and I were impressed that BB was not freaked out by the cow at all. In fact she charged right up the hill in her dad's arms and pet that big 'ol cow.

One of our last adventures was on the Lewis and Clark Riverboat. It was a wonderfully relaxing way to see some of the river. Poor BB was a little exhausted from all her fun birthday shenanigans. She desperately wanted to go swimming, to jump right off the boat and into the water. 

She had a melt down, as two-year olds do. I sat there smiling like a goofball because I was in awe of the way Macie and Tom parented her. They didn't bribe her or compromise they just had a conversation as to why it was a bad idea. She calmed down right away and curled into her mom's lap. For her good behavior we walked down to a boat ramp after the riverboat tour was over and splashed around in the water a little bit together. It seems she loves being around/in the water as much (if not more!) than I do.

I love her spirit!

We're not perfect, but we're figuring out this wonderful journey of adoption together, and I couldn't be more thankful. I already miss them and can't wait until we are all together again!

Up Next: Adventures in the Badlands!

Two years.

I'm writing this post a bit late as I was in Southbridge, Mass. for two weeks of intense leadership training. When I say intense... 15 hour days that start with a 5 a.m. PT (Physical Training) session and whole lot of group bonding and deep sharing.. my apologies for the delay!

As I write this, it's November! National Adoption Month check out the History of Adoption Month here.

BB's (baby blue eye's) second birthday started in a very similar way to her first birthday. I woke up and thought about what everyone in this wonderful house was doing and thinking two years ago. It was a planned C-section because BB was a week past her due date without contractions and hadn't dropped, waiting much longer she would be too big and it would cause extra complications. 

Sooo much anxiety that day. Could I make it through an epidural? Would Dutch reach out? How much would this hurt? How do I navigate respecting everyone's feelings but make sure I set the foundation of the way I want this future to look? Would Macie and Tom change their minds? Would BB be born healthy? Please oh please just let her be healthy!

I am bringing this little life into the world, it's really scary to feel responsible for the existence of a human life and hand the responsibility of her safety, health and happiness over to someone else. There were a lot of "what ifs" running around my head.

My parents were in a hard place of not agreeing with my decision but also knowing what it meant to be in Tom and Macie's shoes as hopeful adoptive parents.

Sarah's voice would pop into my head, "make decisions from a place of love and not a place of fear." Best advice ever. I sure wish the current me could have talked to me in that moment.

I would tell her: This is the most amazing decision you could ever make. This provides BB with two of the most incredible parents you could ever imagine. You don't know Tom and Macie super well yet, but you love them already. That love will grow even more and develop into a really fantastic friendship to share stories and photos and experiences.  

You want her to be able to travel? Well let me tell you, she will have a passport and visit Canada before she even turns two! BB will even meet your grandparents and Aunt in St. Louis. Joe will even find her the coolest Clydesdale stuffed animal during a tour.

 You wanted her to have a foundation of faith? You'll get to sit in mass together and thank god and tell him how grateful you are and watch her claim gleefully "Hi Daddy!" as Tom completes a reading. 

You wanted her to have the big family you didn't get to experience? Well she will have the most incredible bond with Macie's mom. It's beautiful. You know she's a little ball of light, and she's going to share that light, and when they are together.. they shine! She will have incredible aunts, an uncle, and cousins who ADORE her. She will get to spend time on a farm and around horses and dogs. That little girl LOVES dogs. Her parents will be more than you could have ever asked for. The way she curls up on Macie in the morning when first getting up and the way she cheerfully greets them, "Hi Mommy!" and "Hi Daddy!" will completely melt your heart. 

You wanted her to grow up in a place where education is important? You're going to have all kinds of fun conversations about her already established college fund and her dad will soon be promoted to a professor. 

There will be a lot of fun surprises along the way. She will LOVE to read, she will love dogs as much (if not even more!) than you do. She will bring soo much light and love and laughter into sooo many people's lives. You'll enjoy this and feel so fulfilled that the only thing you can do is stand back and let out a small thank you to the universe. You will be able to brag about her at work and show off pictures. She will LOVE being in Macie and Tom's Jeep! She's a jeep girl after your own heart. It's a wonderful jumbled mix of nature and nurture at work.

With a lot of help along the way, you made the right decision. No doubt! Enjoy the laughs and bonding in the hospital, you'll survive the struggles and fights with your mom. You won't understand until later how much she's hurting too. Be kind to yourself, you want to be around for as long as possible to support BB as her Jacquie, as her birthmother in any and every way she may need that you aren't even aware of yet. This is only year two.. there's a lifetime of adventure ahead!  

P.S. your favorite guilty pleasure will still be "Teen Mom." You'll watch a young mother be abandoned by a man who went against adoption with every fiber in his body and then failed to show up. You'll watch the mother of that girl tell her how much of her future has been robbed by having to be a single mother for the second time. You'll watch the struggles of those families and know over and over again you made the right decision.Your heart will also break a little each time you see Catlynn and Tyler on the show and watch the relationship with the adoptive parents deteriorate, you've seen it happen to other birthmother's and decide to work a little harder on educating families and helping birth mothers. 

P.S. You'll be on your way to complete your Master of Arts Degree in Defense and Strategic Studies at the Naval War College and have the opportunity of a lifetime for leadership training. You wouldn't accomplish those things for yourself had you made a different decision. Thank you for making the right decision for both BB and yourself. 

*Next year I'd love to include Macie and Tom's side of everything they experienced, thought and felt that day :)

Up Next:

• A walk by the river
• The Starving Rooster
• Girls Shopping Day
• Ghost Tour
• Bismarck's Art Alley
• Salem Sue
• Birthday Party
• Mass
• Dinner
• Riverboat Tour

The beginning of our Bismarck visit

(This is the fifth in a series of posts about my trip out West, a trip as an adoptee to see my biological family, spend time with my daughter and her adoptive parents during her second birthday, and a road trip with my best friend filled with new experiences!)

The drive from Glacier National Park to Bismarck, North Dakota is AWFUL. I do not suggest it to anyone. It's mainly a bunch of farm land, very spread out farm land. The only bonus is getting to wave to our neighbors in Canada.



Sarah and I had conversations that went a little something like this:

*passing a farm about every five miles*
Me: You really have to not like people to live out here.
Sarah: You have to not like ANYTHING to live out here!

*passing a very gross dilapidated building advertising spa day*
Sarah: Look at that spa house! Should we stop?
Me: Yikes! More like murder house.
Sarah: That's not the kind of happy ending ANYONE wants.
*speeds up passing murder spa house of doom*

As we got a little closer to Bismarck  I took my first turn driving. No more than 20 minutes later we get pulled over. I told him i was going 85 in an 80, and he said he clocked me at 88 but was very nice and let me go with just a warning. He was trying to slow down the traffic for Labor Day Weekend.... in a town of about 73 people.

As we drove through North Dakota, I told Sarah about how Macie, Tom and BB had taken me to Theodore Roosevelt National Park and that I NEEDED to show her the Prairie Dog town. I was in love with them, and wanted to take one home. One nobody would miss.. the grumpy old man prairie dog. I already have a grumpy senior at home, they would become best friends immediately of course! Sarah and I often encourage each other during these conversations. What are best friends for?

 Prairie dog town!!!!

I love the way the land is tied to Theodore Roosevelt. According to the National Park website, "When Theodore Roosevelt came to Dakota Territory to hunt bison in 1883, he was a skinny, young, spectacled dude from New York. He could not have imagined how his adventure in this remote and unfamiliar place would forever alter the course of the nation. The rugged landscape and strenuous life that TR experienced here would help shape a conservation policy that we still benefit from today."

I highly recommend taking the scenic drive and be sure to stop at Painted Canyon! We saw Bison, Prairie dogs, feral horses, bighorn sheep and a fox catching his dinner.

Sarah asked me in the car if I was nervous (in reference to seeing BB). Had she asked me that question a year ago, the answer would have been yes, but I had met BB's extended family during her first birthday party. I loved meeting Macie and Tom's parents and siblings and nieces and nephews. They clearly loved and adored BB and each had a bond with her. They also were so kind in embracing me. I think of them all now as extended family and I miss them, I can't wait to see where our lifetimes bring us, hopefully on a lot of wonderful adventures together.

Sarah and I arrived around 8 p.m. and Macie and BB opened the door. I re-introduced myself and Sarah to BB, and Lacie said, "oh! We've been talking about you guys coming for weeks!" That little gesture meant the world to me. BB immediately took me into her room and I asked her to show me her favorite book, she pulled down a book about her adoption story. Wow, how meaningful and timely. Before I could even get to the second page though she was off.. she had things to do!

We had a fantastic pizza dinner and Sarah quickly discovered BB's favorite game of running around two rooms in a circle over and over and over again giggling and switching from being chasing to being chased. If we could only figure out how to bottle that energy!

Macie and Tom had all kinds of fun things planned for us! Sarah and I headed downstairs and were extremely excited to sleep in beds instead of in a tent! We curled up to watch the last Game of Thrones episode of the season and called it a good night :)

Coming up:

• Reflecting on the past two years
• A walk by the river
• The Starving Rooster
• Girls Shopping Day
• Ghost Tour
• Bismarck's Art Alley
• Salem Sue
• Birthday Party
• Mass
• Dinner
• Riverboat Tour

Don't be in such a hurry, you might miss something!

(This is the fourth in a series of posts about my trip out West, a trip as an adoptee to see my biological family, spend time with my daughter and her adoptive parents during her second birthday, and a road trip with my best friend filled with new experiences!)

So Sarah and I road tripped in a way that will forever change the way I road trip. Even if you are not taking a long drive and just want to see interesting things near you check out Atlas Obscura. It is a guidebook and online map with strange facts, interesting locations, and things to go and see you may not have ever known were there.

We didn't find anything of interest between Lewiston and Coeur D'Alene but I did find an ESGR Statement of Support! It was at Le Peep where we had a very yummy salmon and lobster breakfasts we split. It's really special to find something that links your professional and personal life in such a meaningful way.

By the way, Coeur D'Alene is a beautiful little town on the water with gorgeous houses and a quirky little personality, I highly recommend visiting!

                 (This is a photo of a photo in the restaurant, but you get the idea)

I also suggest the passenger should be awake and ready to Google at any moment. Sarah asked me to look up Wallace, Idaho. On September 25, 2004, Mayor Ron Garitone proclaimed Wallace to be the center of the Universe. Basically he said if you can't prove it to be untrue, it must be true. Therefore Wallace is the Center of the Universe. There's spaceships and man hole covers and everything. It is a fantastically quirky little place!

I also just found out on Wikipedia that Wallace was a location of one of my favorite guilty pleasures... Dante's Peak!! The 1997 film Dante's Peak was shot on location in Wallace, which was portrayed as the fictional town "Dante's Peak" in Washington state, with a large hill just southeast of the town digitally altered to look like a volcano. Many scenes involving townspeople, including the initial award ceremony, the pioneer days festival, and the gymnasium scene were shot using the actual citizens of Wallace as extras.

We were also glad we googled "Kellogg, Idaho." Basically a prospector lost his donkey and found it standing on a mine able ore. So Kellogg became a mining town "founded by a jackass and inhabited by his descendants." We thought we were going to get a story about cereal, but that was way better!

Don't be in a rush to just drive through everything to get where you are going, there are so many fun things to learn and do! That's the biggest lesson this trip has taught me. 

We arrived in Glacier National Park and set up camp. We stayed in Fish Creek Campground, which was beautiful but I probably would choose McDonald Lake if I had it to do over again. We set up camp and I learned just how much I love sleeping in my hammock. 

Sarah and I got up the next morning, filled our packs with layers of clothing and food and headed to Apgar Visitor Center to catch the shuttle up to Logan Pass. We stopped at Avalanche Creek first where you have to switch transportation and got out to hike for a bit. 

Trail of Cedars is the best for being handicapped accessible, having incredible views and very family-friendly. We started there and took it to the Avalanche Lake trail. 

                                            The water really is THAT blue!

I loved the light and the way the water carved through the rock. 

The rock looked like gold the way the light was hitting it!

We took the fork in the road to Avalanche Lake. It was about 4.5 miles and rated as moderately difficult. Karma also came into play. Sarah and brought extra food and water and gave it a couple who did not bring any. We paid it forward after the Joneses were so kind to help us out in the Sawtooths when we couldn't purchase fuel. The dense forest during the hike was incredible!

                  

I was a little angry during our trip because it was so smokey and so hard to see some of the views. 

                   

It was smokey but you can see the glacial amphitheatre with waterfalls and a gorgeous lake.

After the hike we headed back to the transportation area to take the transfer shuttle to Logan Pass. If I have the opportunity to do it again I think I would take one of the Red Shuttles where the roof comes off and you can take AMAZING photos on Going-to-the-Sun-Road. The bus gives you limited options, but still breathtaking and still an very steep drop right off the edge. 

     What a view!

I still need to look up how this happened!

I was still coughing from being sick and decided not to take the Hidden Glacier Trail with Sarah, it was becoming more and more smokey and irritated my breathing. You can see the smoke rolling into Logan Pass Visitor Center. 

There are all kinds of signs to stay 25 feet away from wild life. I kept telling this little Marmot he was going to get in trouble. He tried to steal my lunch and freaked me out by putting his little paws on my hand as I was leaning back relaxing. 

We headed back to the visitor center on the bus and did A LOT of shopping. I snuggled into my hammock and Sarah knocked out some reading. It was a nice way to spend the evening. We went to bed early knowing we had our longest drive ahead of us in the morning.

Next up: Bismarck, North Dakota for my daughter's second birthday!

The word mom means a lot of things

(This is the third in a series of posts about my trip out West, a trip as an adoptee to see my biological family, spend time with my daughter and her adoptive parents during her second birthday, and a road trip with my best friend filled with new experiences!)

So a little background if you are new to the blog: My birth mother Erica was a young teenager when she became pregnant. My biological father proposed, feeling that it was the right thing to do, he was also in the Marine Corps and about to deploy to South Korea if I remember correctly. Erica knew they could barely raise themselves let alone a baby. So a semi-open adoption was the plan.

Here we are 32 years later. She is so warm and so kind and hilarious and smart. She is also an incredible horse woman! Sarah and I left the Sawtooth Mountains and loved our drive to Lewiston. The landscape changed constantly and each sight was more breathtaking than the next.

With a few minor GPS hiccups we just made it to Erica's Drill practice at 8 p.m. just at the tail end but I was just so impressed with the quick pace, abrupt stops, turns and choreography she mastered on her horse with her other drill teammates. It was really fun to watch! She made a comment how as she's gotten older, she's just not quite as fearless as she used to be, but she looked fearless to me!

My birth mom Erica and Hoss

I also love that she claims me wholly and unabashedly. She introduced Sarah and I to her teammates introducing me as her daughter.

We followed her back to the ranch. After tent camping, a bed is the best thing ever! We headed into town and stopped at the shop they own and work at: Orchards Pawn, Guns & Tack. Erica's husband Ken was there and gave me a big hug. I don't know what his feelings are in regards to me, he's not a "feelings" type of guy, but what I do know is I always feel welcome and it's so clear he loves Erica and supports her, he helped Erica raise my brother JC and sister Amber.

                                Erica and Ken at the shop with his "ball and chain"

                                I call this Erica's side with all the tack

                                                           I call this Ken's side
   

I always learn something new about guns!

My brother JC actually lives right next to the shop, he works nights and was exhausted so we didn't spend a lot of time together but as a fellow rider I asked to see his Harley. He has an adorable German Shepherd named Abby. I spent about a week with him when he was stationed in Anchorage in 2011, so I think it had been about six years since I last saw him. He is out of the Air Force and doing some things that sound really interesting!

We let JC get to bed and went out to grab a bite to eat. We had some really interesting discussions. My grandparents had mentioned they sent Erica to the Marian Pritchett School in Boise Idaho for pregnant teens to protect her from bullying, not out of a sense of shame. To hear Erica's side, it seemed like Grandpa was really mad and had a temper (must run in the family, i know i do!) and she felt maybe it was more out of anger and shame.

Sarah and I did an little research and the Marian Pritchett School is still around! Their mission is

"to provide a confidential, safe environment for pregnant young women and parenting teen mothers and fathers who want to learn about pregnancy and parenting while earning their high school diploma."

Pretty neat! Especially because Erica made a lifelong friend at the school who currently lives near Niagara Falls. It was interesting to me that her friend made the decision to raise her child while Erica chose adoption. I wonder if it was hard for her to be around babies right after giving birth to me.

One of my dearest friends, Jaclyn and I were pregnant at the same time. She got me through A LOT. I must have sent her a million, "is this normal?" texts, and insomnia texts and i'm a hot mess texts. Her daughter was born about seven weeks after BB. I was there and I don't remember anything except being ecstatic for Jaclyn and just being there for her as a friend.

During lunch with Sarah and Erica, Erica mentioned how nervous she was to meet me. I don't know if I was in a haze or what but I don't remember a lot of the emotions leading up to meeting her. I remember needing to help my mom with her emotions, she just needed some assurance she was not being replaced. I must have worried if she would like me, love me, claim me, be proud of me, etc.

What I do remember is getting out of the rental van and Erica just grabbing my hand and not letting go, I needed that. It was immediate connection and assurance. There was a video where an adoptee says, "I didn't realize it but maybe I had been waiting for that hug for (in my case) for 18 years."

This visit felt a little different to me. Maybe it was because I could understand her on a level I couldn't before. I wanted to be closer to her and more affectionate. My grandpa when talking to me about Erica would say "your mom" this or "your mom" that, and I used to have such a hard time with that because I felt I was disrespecting my (adoptive) mom's title.

I don't feel that way anymore. I have a deeper understanding that as a parent can love multiple children, a child can love multiple parents.

Each relationship will be very different and that it's no longer the word "mom" that causes me to pause. I can now say the word mom in reference to Erica and think unconditional love, special bond, adoption, birth mom.

I can say the word mom in reference to my (adoptive) mom and think unconditional love, parent, history, best friend, protector, etc. Same word, but very different feelings associated with each.

After picking up Ken's car from the dealership from an oil change we went shopping to pick up a few things. Sarah and I were clearly going through Game of Thrones withdraw:

                                  Mother of 2 dragons and umm a dinosaur haha!

                              My other favorite photo was of Sarah and Erica's dog Abby:

The rest of the trip included amazing pizza, hanging out with horses, sheep and goats. Erica really seems like she's in her element and happy on the ranch, and I love seeing that!

It was another short visit, but a wonderful one. I was bummed my sister Amber couldn't make it, her kids were sick so I completely understand not wanting to travel! I've met my niece Amerie and get to be an adoring aunt from far away. I haven't had the opportunity to meet my nephew yet, but I hope to change that soon!

We talked a bit about coming back out to Idaho for a visit with BB, Macie and Tom. I know for me it's always easier to say goodbye when there are future plans scheduled.

Next stop on our trip: Coeur D'Alene for lunch and then Glacier National Park!



Oh and if you're interested in our shenanigans Sarah has a fantastic blog at http://www.thedepressedhiker.com/

Sawtooth Mountains and the Combos Incident of 2017

(This is the second in a series of posts about my trip out West, a trip as an adoptee to see my biological family, spend time with my daughter and her adoptive parents during her second birthday, and a road trip with my best friend filled with new experiences!)

It's not lost on me that one of the reasons I am able to take a two week vacation to visit my birth family and then my daughter and her amazing family is because my birth mom chose adoption for me and I chose adoption for my daughter. Let's continue!

Continuing our trip Sarah drove and I slept most of the 3 1/2 hours from Boise Idaho to Alturas Lake in the Sawtooth Mountains. Sarah and I split the rental cost of a little Kia, in the land of trucks and SUVs she was little but mighty! We put more than 2,000 miles on that little car and probably took out a bug population or two.

Sarah and I would love to be official drivers for Kia and produce marketing material of how well that little car can venture all over the world. Have your people call our people!

Above is a picture of our little kia in the badlands, I'll get to those stories later.

We were smart in preordering stroop waffles for breakfast, dehydrated mountain house meals, chi protein coffee, and protein packs and having them delivered to my aunt's house.

Obviously you are not allowed to fly with fuel, but I brought my Jet Boil and figured we could buy fuel once we got closer to the SawTooths. WRONG! Because they had been in the area of totality for the Eclipse, they were out of everything. Including fuel for the next two weeks.

Thankfully Sarah made friends with some folks at our campground at Alturas Lake. The Joneses. They even offered to make us some coffee in the morning. Mrs. Jones was really knowledgeable about local tribes and their history.

We just relaxed the rest of the day and swam in the glacial cold waters of Alturas Lake and made ourselves at home on an old dried out log and spent the late afternoon reading.

Sarah in Alturas Lake, Sawtooth Mountains in Idaho

  (Home sweet home!)

We ended up across from this beautiful little stream which had recently spawned a lot of Salmon. The water was crystal clear!

We left the rain fly off for the night and I woke up in the middle of the night and sat straight up amazed by the stars. I accidentally freaked Sarah out by doing that, but I'm glad we had the opportunity to look at the stars together.

The next day we visited with the Joneses for a bit, took them up on their offer for coffee. They were very knowledgeable and passionate about their coffee. If I was much of a coffee drinker, I would have been sold on whatever they were drinking!

We decided to go on Bridal Veil Falls Hike. 4 miles in and 4 miles back with some moderate elevation changes but nothing too crazy. I was still really sick but was determined not to miss out on this experience or cause Sarah to miss out on these incredible views.

Stanley Lake

If I have the opportunity to do it again, I would probably want to camp at Stanley Lake.. look at that view! We knew most of the North West was on fire but were a little worried when firemen parked in the lot as we were putting on our boots. Sarah asked if we should be worried. The response of, "meh" is not very helpful. They explained they were going to check on a fire that should be completely contained if not out. Sarah told them if something goes wrong we are up there!

 So the Bridal Veil Falls description said it was 4 miles in, we got to the four mile point and found a beautiful place to have lunch where a rock bed came together between converging streams. We asked another couple how far we were from the falls. He pointed wayyyyyy up into the mountains. 

There was no way we were getting there. Well played mother nature. Well played.

After our hike we drove from the Sawtooth Mountains to Lewiston, Idaho to see my birth mom Erica.

There was a combos incident of 2017. Sarah got bit by a tick and is now allergic to mammal meat. She accidentally bought the pepperoni combos. Thankfully mid chew she immediately spit them out and asked me to read the ingredients. "Beef fat." She tossed the bag of combos over to me, though admittedly I felt guilty eating them in front of her and they sat the majority of the trip in the passenger door.

We have a few incidents of 2017, one of which is the Panera incident where we ended up at completely separate locations looking for the other while saying, "I'm here! Where are you?" So far we've avoided repeating that!

By the way... Sarah is hilarious and so genuine. She has a fabulous blog. Check her out at: http://www.thedepressedhiker.com/

Her perspectives of our journey will be published this fall, she has a wonderful queue of posts lined up to post automatically, she's much better at this blogging thing than I am!

Next post: Spending time in Lewiston with my birth mom :)