Visiting BB Days 3-4

I am super behind on updating this! 


I sent a few notes to my friends Sarah and Sara while I was in North Dakota... 

Day 3

Yesterday was great! I woke up and did some reading, thankfully didn't have to do that very long as BB woke up shortly after and so Tom, BB and I went downstairs to play. 

BB has an amazingly close bond with her grandmother. She is pretty much BB's favorite person in the world. I don't know if she can sense if her grandmother is grieving or just knows grandma is awesome, but either way it's really heart warming to watch. 

BB's grandma made us a great breakfast, all the fruit had been grown and canned on the farm. Macie, BB and I went out and played with the farm lab/retriever Abba. Abba literally smiles and is sooo happy. She's not too interested in BB only because BB won't rub her neck or belly. Abba makes BB literally squeal in delight. She's a total dog lover like I am!

(This is Abba, shortly after I asked if she liked to swim, lol!) 

After playing with Abba, we went down and pet the horses, BB isn't afraid of them but doesn't squeal like she does with puppies. BB's grandma plopped BB down in a wheelbarrow with a blanket and took her around the farm to do chores together. It was adorable! 

Tom, Macie and I got into the side by side and took a tour of the farm. Sunflowers and wheat are the major crops. The land gets rented which is good so BB's grandma gets a portion of profits of its a good year and doesn't have to maintain the land or machinery. Her great grandmother's house is on the property, it's is an old school house Macie's brother remodeled into his home. 

We headed into Bowman (town) to get lunch. The town is so small it has no stop lights.BB's grandmother introduced to me to just about the entire town she was so proud and so sweet and introduced me as BB's birth mom and said she couldn't wait for BB's other grandparents and my sister Katie to arrive from DC. 

(One of everything please!)

We visited a few of Macie's friends, and same thing. No hesitation and everyone was so welcoming! We stopped by Macie's dad's grave to pick up some flowers and crosses left there. I'm so glad he got to meet BB. 

We left the cemetery to check out a coffee shop BB's grandma used to work in. It was just like a shop and boutique out of old town Occoquan..so cute! We brought some coffee to Macie's older brother. He's a master architect who builds things out of wood. He asked us to deliver some paint so we stopped in a realtor place which used to be the restaurant/realtor/gift shop Macie's family ran. Her grandmothers would do all the cooking, her father ran the realty part and friends ran the gift shop. Some of their employees who worked them still worked at the realty office. High school Football is a big discussion anywhere you go, everyone knows the names of all the high school football players. Everyone there was so kind as welcoming as well. I was worried for no reason; I thought everyone would wonder why I was there, that it wasn't my place, and that it was weird. Nope!

We headed back to the farm so BB could nap. I got some reading in while Macie and her mom made dinner and Macie's brother came over to join us. He seemed very stand offish with her at first but she immediately wore him down and she was bouncing around on his lap while he made motorcycle noises and she giggled. We had a very "Midwestern" meal- ground beef, layered with green bean casserole and tater tots. Apparently it's a big comfort food out here, each family has their own twist on the recipe.. It was a great meal! Macie's mom made that with a great Asian salad and rhubarb bread pudding, it was really good! Sadly we had to leave shortly after that to make the 3 hour drive back to Bismarck. 

Macie's mom gave me a big bear hug and said "I love that were all one big extended family." So do I! She and Macie's brother will be there for BB's birthday on Saturday! On the drive home we had fun asking each other chuck klosterman's questions. They are bizarre but a really god way to get to know people! BB slept the entire way back. We got to the house about ten thirty and crashed. 

Day 4

Tom went into work so Macie, BB and I will be doing some party prep and we'll surprise the family at the airport when they get here tonight! Tom went into work today but was kind enough to drop off some donuts for breakfast, one of them even had captain crunch sprinkled on top. It reminded me of VooDoo Donuts in Portland! After breakfast, Macie and I went shopping in these amazing beachy/ artsy/fun boutiques with BB. We then went out to lunch for Mexican food. We picked up Tom from work and went to the grocery store and dropped him off afterwards (he always tries to spend his lunch break with Macie and BB ). 

We went to the party store, came back and played in the backyard all afternoon until going to the airport to greet my family. It was supposed to be a surprise but Katie skipped over that part of the message. We all hung out in the hotel for a bit and went out to dinner and came back to give everyone a tour of Macie and Tom's house. They just dropped my parents off at their hotel.

(I will never understand the excitement in this photo but i LOVE it!)

Visiting BB and Family- Days 1 and 2

My family and I were invited for Baby Blue Eyes' first birthday! I arrived a few days before her birthday and stayed a few days after to spend some extra time with her and her parents. 

More than anything I was so incredibly excited! I was a little nervous about a few things:

1) Meeting everyone's family and friends, were they supportive? Would they ask hard questions? Would they think it was weird I was there? 
2) My friend Sarah has been an emotional blanket for me, she was there for me throughout the pregnancy, was there for the birth and BB's visits. She would chime in with a great joke or funny story at the moments I was a feeling a little emotionally overwhelmed. 
3) Is my family going to embarrass me? Who knew this would still be a concern at 31?!

Let me tell you, every worry or concern was ridiculous. 

Day 1: (Monday Sept. 29)

BB and her mom met me in the airport, we went out for a pizza lunch, we stopped by BB's dad's work and got to meet all his coworkers. I was introduced as "BB's birth mom" and was greeted so warmly with smiles and excitement she was almost walking. 

I got the official tour of Bismarck, it's very flat and lots of farm land but then has these beautiful bluffs over looking the river. 

We headed back to the house, BB's mom is so creative! The house is so beautifully decorated and warm. They have a huge Apple tree in their backyard where BB picks an apple every day, she kicks it around like a soccer ball, and tries to eat it. 

She tried beets for the first time, they were a hit. She likes to try to drink from your glass but when she tries, she dunks her whole face in it lol. She mostly babbles but can say words like mama, daaa, bath. 

She still FREAKS out over puppies, even the ones at target on a sign lol she can spot them from blocks away. (As a fellow dog lover, this delights me to no end!) 

She can pull herself up and stand and walk if you've got both her hands, sometimes she'll walk a little with one hand but then panic when she realizes the other hand isn't there. Still super smiley and independent and into everything, and only upset if you give her the wrong book off her shelf or she's hangry. Oh! And she points at everything wanting to know what it is and is satisfied with whatever the answer is. 

A few thoughts:
- She has the BEST parents ever! Her mom makes her these amazing homemade toys, and they only watch 1 hour of TV each day, and it's educational Sesame Street.
- Sesame Street doesn't dumb things down. I don't remember "in-cognito" or "exceptional" or "frustrated" being a part of my vocabulary that early. 
- Her parents make such a great team! They just naturally switch off for diaper changes, feeding, carrying and teaching moments. There is a lot of love there!
- BB's dad works across the street from the library which is perfect because he can join BB and her mom for story time at the library on his lunch break. Could it get any better than that?
- I loved seeing her room and the yard she would grow up playing in, their wonderful home. I had heard great things about it from the adoption agency, but it's better than they could have ever described. 

 Day 2 (Tuesday, September 30th) 

I woke up early, got some reading done for class, played on the floor with BB and we watched a Sesame Street episode. It was international try a new food day according to the show.

BB's mom made amazing lemon poppy seed bread, blueberry bread and cinnamon rolls with parfait for breakfast. (Strawberries were canned from her mom's farm!) 

BB got to try a lil of the breads and yogurts. Apparently she can't have strawberries or honey until after age 1. Nobody knows why about the strawberries but I guess with honey her tummy isn't developed enough to digest it until later in life.. Interesting! 

We cleaned up and BB and I walked all over the house pointing at things and me telling her the name. We got in the car and drove for about an hour and a half to Dickinson where there was a small town with a coffee shop called "The Brew" which used to be a church. The pews are still part of the seating! 

We drove another hour to Teddy Roosevelt National Park and checked out the badlands... Gorgeous!! BB is a total social butterfly, she loves watching people and being around people. There is no such thing as stranger danger for her. She immediately wanted to held by a lady at the park who said it would make her grandson jealous. 

We stopped for lunch at a fun crazy bar/restaurant covered in mounted deer heads, a deer butt and all the local rancher's branding signs burned into the wood. 

We didn't exactly fit in lol! We were not bikers and we were not wearing cowboy boots with Spurs, cowboy hats, plaid or jeans or have the typical weathered cowboy look. BB launched an entire container of peas and carrots into the air and her face LIT UP as it landed in a pile in front of her and she tried to take as much food in her little fists as possible, as normally she's only allowed one piece of food at a time to make she chews it all lol. 

We went on 4 different hikes in the badlands. We just rotated carrying her as she was not interested in wearing shoes lol. We saw about 100 prairie dogs, herds of buffalo and two herds of wild horses! 

We went into a little town called Medora. It looks straight out of a western where they do dinner and a show. The dinner they call "pitchfork fondue" you sit outside and grab a tray for beans, bread, coleslaw and fruit then walk over and they dump a slab of meat on your tray. 

The meat was cooked by dipping the meat on the pitchfork into a big cauldron of oil. 

BB tried out some BBQ chicken, garlic bread and some beans. She does not like foods with weird textures.. Oatmeal, grits, cottage cheese. She gets very dramatic like how dare we give her funny textured food and coughs it up until it looks like she projectile vomited. 

If you put fruit in her yogurt that is not ok.. something creamy textured with something hard, she spits the fruit out lol. We walked across from pitchfork fondue to "Medora the Musical" It's a tradition most North Dakota families attend once a year. They were so great! 

BB made friends with EVERYONE! It was current and some older country songs with some

Rock and roll. The state has a slight obsession with Teddy Roosevelt. I didn't realize the state had such an impact on him. 

The beauty of this state made him want to preserve the national parks. I can see why! During the musical, the cast re-enacted some of his battles and it was incredible how they included the backdrop of the badlands into the show! The show ended with fireworks and that scared the holy bejeezus out of BB. 

After such a long day she was so exhausted that she couldn't sleep so we had to pull over a few times on the way to her grandma's farm just to calm her down a bit. They said they had never seen her cry that hard, poor girl it was a lot in one day with scary fireworks and waking up in a dark car without a night light.

We got to the farm about 1am.  BB's grandmother me the biggest bear hug ever! She is so kind and so sweet and she and BB have a really special bond, which I think is just what she needs needed after BB's grandfather recently passed away. 

We went to bed shortly after. I was looking forward to waking up and exploring the farm the next day. 

Thoughts:  

1) Why does this work so well? A year ago with the phone interview, meeting in person and having BB's parents in the hospital with us when she was born laid the foundation for this. We became friends. We all commented on how we are all a little weird, and how our families are a little weird and that weird just works together! We genuinely miss each other's company. It would be awful if that friendship and foundation had not been established and we didn't enjoy spending time together.. especially in a car for 3 hours!

2) Jealousy.. there's none. Our roles don't need to be dissected or determined. They are her parents. I'm her birth mother. I am overwhelmed with joy when the things I wanted for BB are there. I couldn't be a stay at home mom, we'd be watching way too much tv, I wouldn't have had the creativity to make toys or the support from a partner. She has a HUGE wonderful family who adore her. I couldn't ask for more!

First Mother's Day

I had been slightly dreading the holiday. I had given birth to an adorable baby girl, but I wasn't a mom in the every day responsibility sense of the word.

Each person in a family is identified by a term. Mom, dad, brother, sister, niece, nephew, cousin, etc. There are step parents and half siblings. It all helps determine who is who. The term birthmother suggests that is your only role in your child's life. I wanted and will always want to be more than just that.

Macii and Tom are amazing. I remembered briefly hearing about  a day called 'Birthmother's Day," but had completely forgotten about it until they sent me this:

They also sent me a beautiful silver tree to represent our new family tree with birthstones and the birthstone for the month her adoption was finalized.

I sent Macii some flowers that I thought would be a neat mix of floral, art and creativeness for Mother's Day.

The card I sent read: Congrats and lots of love on your first mothers day! I am in complete awe of the amazing mother you are, I couldn't have even dreamed of anyone better. Thank you!!!!

I was really excited about the gift I got for my mom, a survival kit with first aide, food and water for two people for three days. I told her not go on any "three hour tours" and that the boat may be a good place to keep it. This may sound strange to most, but she likes to be prepped for the end of the world. We had a really nice time just hanging out and having dinner at Red Robin together.

I also sent a message to my birth mom to wish her a happy mother's day and send some love.

So I dedicate this to all the birth mothers and mothers, soon-to-be moms, moms of angels and single-mothers. Your sacrifices will never go unnoticed. 

Thank you for everyone who reached out to me, it meant the world!

Our First Visit!!

Macii, Tom and BB came to visit! (BB will no longer stand for Baby Burrito because she's 7 months old and quite curious about the world!) It will stand for baby blue eyes :) You can see why below.

Tom had a financial conference in DC to attend so as a wonderful idea, they turned it into a trip to DC for the entire family. I picked them up from the airport, we went to Matchbox in China Town for lunch and was able to surprise my dad for his 60th birthday with BB and Macii being there. (I had told him they had to attend a social dinner at the conference that night).

My dad wasn't the only one surprised that night, one of my closest friends who lives in Tucson flew in to surprise me!

 

 After their conference Tom, Macii and BB stayed with me for a few days at my place. I loved it! I know some people think that it's really strange, but it's not. There's no confusion as to who her parents are. They were wonderful in giving me as many opportunities as I wanted to hold her, play with her, push her stroller, etc. They are AMAZING parents! Her dad has conversations about volunteering and financial responsibility and gives her baths and reads to her every night. Her mom is incredible! She takes BB out on one adventure a day and only has the TV on in the morning when they are eating breakfast. I am just beyond impressed with them as parents. It just reconfirms my decision over and over again that they were meant to be her parents. 

They have provided so much for her that I would never have been able to. They've provided a lot for me to. I don't worry about her at all, sure I wonder how she's doing and wish I could be around for some of the bigger moments, but day to day I know just how loved and how well taken care of she is!

I can tell that through BB as well. She was amazing on the metro and long trips to DC museums. She loves being held by various family members and is very curious and a total social butterfly. She would only get fussy when she became hangry.. but don't we all?! I can also tell she's completely attached to Tom and Macii. When BB doesn't feel well she looks for her mom and she falls asleep the best during her routine with her dad. They make an a great team :)

Macii and Tom provided me not only peace of mind by not needing to worry about her but by giving me a lot of special moments I never thought I would get to have through adoption. BB met her great grandparents who didn't support the adoption but wanted to meet her at the BBQ. I got to introduce BB her to Emilia, she and BB are only about 6 weeks apart. Jaclyn and I were pregnant at the same time so it meant a lot that Jaclyn, TJ and Emilia got to meet BB, Macii and Tom.

I asked a few close friends what their opinion of Macii and Tom was, first of all because I want everyone to love them as much as I so and secondly because I'm protective of them. Everyone LOVED them and a few friends commented just how much they enjoyed being around our family. Tom, Macii and BB are part of that now, it's never felt forced, we just fell into it naturally. 

The only awkward moment to me was when a lady who was having dinner next to our group of 12 asked who her parents were. I took a really long pause which probably seemed strange. I was thinking, "Macii and Tom, but do I say me too? She's got a cool adoption story, but this lady is a stranger do I want to explain all of that?" I told her Macii and Tom were her amazing parents and told them on the way home why I had such a pause. 

We discussed going up to visit for a week on BB's first birthday and talked about doing some joint family vacations. It's been a week since their visit and i'm still beaming!

Max and I miss them already!

You can't find peace...

I recently finished a book called "The Orphan Train." It opened my eyes to some of our country's history I never knew.

A quarter of a million children from East Coast orphanages were loaded on trains and sent to the Midwest.  They were presented at each train stop for "picking" from 1854 to 1929. Most weren't adopted, they were used as labor, "picked" and then discarded at any whim.

The novel is fiction but highlights this little-known part of history by linking the present with the past. I highly recommend it if you're looking for a good read.

There was a quote that really struck me. "You can not find peace until you find all the pieces." I met a woman on my flight to L.A. yesterday. When I pulled out my laptop she asked about the picture of BB, and so began our conversation about open adoption. She was very much against it.

I understand the fears, the unknowns, the protective nature you take on as a parent, but what would life be like if we ran and shutout everything we were afraid of? You're denying a peace to a child because he/she won't have all the pieces.

It makes me more and more thankful every day for being matched with and choosing BB's parents. This week I also challenged more of my own bias. When asked what kind of parents I was BB to go to I mentioned wanting her to go to parents where she would be their first child. I'm sure I chose that because I'm the oldest child, enjoyed the experience and wanted her to have the same and not have to share for a while. (If she ends up with younger brothers or sisters one day, that's wonderful! If not, that's great too!)

Well I met an amazing couple who has adopted two children and their hearts are open and ready to adopt a third. As a birth mother, I would not have chosen them from a packet because they have two children. (On the opposite side, a birth mother may not want a couple because they don't have children). What I didn't realize is that by having two children already you can get a sense of their parenting style, see how much love they have to give and see if they follow through on their communication plan with their child's birth mother. They are amazing! I ALMOST wish I could have a second baby just to place with them, they have such a close and amazing relationship with their son's birth mother. It really gives me a lot of hope for what my relationship with BB's parents could grow into.

So now I realized I had two biases - single parents (that post is here) and parents with children. So if you're anything like me, don't count them out!  (I wouldn't trade Macii and Tom for the world though!)

As I write this, I'm in the Biltmore in L.A. for a wedding. I'm continuing the tradition of picking up a book for BB wherever my travels take me and writing her a note in it. I picked up "Good Night Los Angeles" during this trip.

 I just sent off an Easter and St. Patrick's day package to Macii, Tom and BB. I'll post some photos after they receive it :)

I'll have more to write about the wedding, but for now here is a photo I took last night of the lobby. It was built in 1923 and the timeless elegance of the building reflects that.

Six Months Reflection

I can't believe this week will mark six months since BB was born. I will probably be a bit all over the place in this post.

Here she is trying rice cereal for the first time with the bib my sister sent her!

Still Fighting Hospital Bills
It has been a very interesting couple of weeks. First, I thought all of BB's hospital claims through my insurance were settled but nope! I shall keep fighting the good fight!

Adoption and My Work
Work has been interesting. People have been shifting to different offices and cubicles so co-workers who are not usually in my space have been in my area. I have pictures of BB on my desk, so naturally they ask questions. It usually starts off with, "is that your daughter? She looks just like you! She has the most striking blue eyes."

I agree with them and brag about her but I never hesitate to tell them I placed her for adoption and what an amazing family she has. Some responses have included, "You should have kept her. She should be with you, you're well enough off," and my favorite was a discussion that I must cry all day and cry myself to sleep when I'm at home over my decision.

Umm, you very clearly do not know me. Do you see me smile every time our eyes meet? Has my work faltered? Am I mess? No. Do you know why? Because I made the best decision for BB, I've never had a single doubt about that.

I miss her. I wish I could be there for more of the every day moments. I constantly ask myself if I'm doing enough to be there for her or if I'm doing too much.

I will say as I reflect on everything that has happened in the past six months, I haven't really talked about my office. I had no idea I was pregnant when they hired me in April, about five months along at that point.

When I found out in July and needed to ask for maternity leave (our wonderful government with its unpaid leave) I was worried they would judge me and just assume I had hidden the pregnancy from them. I couldn't have been more wrong. They were wonderful. They were nothing but supportive. They even showed up to the hospital the day BB was born. That meant more to me than they will ever know. 

They check in on me often and even our SES and his deputy check in on me regularly. They are very  interested in hearing about how adoption is changing and how this open adoption concept works.


BB's Parents
I'm so thankful every day that Tom and Macii are BB's parents. Macii's father recently passed due to a stroke. My heart just broke for them. Tom sent me a text to let me know they would be behind on updates because they had so much going on. I told them I completely understood and asked if we could send flowers. (We did, with love from our Va Family to our ND Family.) Not only was I sad for Macii, but I was sad that I would never get to meet the amazing man who raised Macii. At the same time I was so grateful that he got to meet BB and there are so many wonderful photos of BB with him.

In the same text they let me know they have their tickets to D.C. and I absolutely can not wait to see them! I've been keeping busy moving into my new place and getting everything set up. I'll post some pics in my next blog.