Valentines' Day and Adoption Package!

 I mailed off a fun Valentines' Day package to BB and her parents. We're getting close to the six month mark, which means the finalization of her adoption. On one hand, i'm just so excited because that means no more home checks or questions or "what-ifs" for them and probably a lot less complications in regards to their daughter having a different last name. I would hope there haven't been any difficulties with the different last names, but you never know.

As excited as I am, I'm a little sad about it too. It feels like one of the last connections we share is being erased. I knew the moment I met them, they were meant to be BB's parents and in my heart 100% they are her mom and dad.

I wanted to embrace how happy of an event her official adoption and name change will be. All Christmas I was seeing a personalized children's book called "The Little Girl Who Lost Her Name." So I personalized it for my daughter with her new last name.


I ended up writing the company because I wish the title was "The Little Girl who Found Her Name," instead of lost it because the word "found" has a much more positive meaning than "lost." Is my public affairs background showing? They never did respond. Oh well. I also mentioned what I was using their book for and thanked them for the opportunity to give such a personalized gift.

I'm about a month ahead in regards to sending the book, but I wanted to make sure it was there on time.

Here are the other things included in the box:

My sister sent cute penguin pajamas with footies.

This little hero onesie was really cute!Also sent by my sister. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were my sister's favorite toys, so this is really appropriate coming from her.. haha!

If you couldn't tell.. this is also from my sister. 

Pajamas I picked out... sooo soft!

I didn't think it was fair to send her a lot of candy, because she can't eat it yet :) So this cute little bear and mini heart chocolate box was perfect. 

Self explanatory. 

Macii and Tom put BB in these beautiful bows and head bands so I included a silly one in the box. I received a picture back on her wearing it with a HUGE smile on her face. It completely made my day!

I've been sending books to BB from wherever I go with a handwritten notes and the date on it.  

This seemed appropriate for Valentines' Day :)

Somehow CoCo the teething monkey ended up at the bottom, my sister LOVES monkeys and BB thinks they are hilarious, so this was most appropriate :)

 My parents also sent a really cute fuzzy little kitten sweater, but I somehow missed getting a picture of it. I also included a couple of letters and a gift for Macii and Tom.

I think sending packages and interacting does a lot for all of us. 

It means a lot to me and my family to be able to send little packages. We get to have fun buying baby stuff and get updates on her development. I think it really shows how much BB is loved, how much we care for Macii and Tom and gives me an opportunity to express my gratitude. It also gives them an opportunity to know us better, hopefully think of us as extended family and not feel threatened because they know who we are and how much we love them. 

A lot of families haven't had that opportunity and have a lot of fears because there is so much unknown about the birth family and in return the birth family misses out on updates and maybe is a bit more scarred from the adoption experience because they don't know whether the child they placed for adoption is healthy or happy. 

Almost five months post placement, and I couldn't have dreamed of a better relationship or family for BB. Sure, I embrace the sad moments as they come, there are less and less of them, but I choose to live in the happiness of this wonderful journey.

Pain and healing of an adoptee who adopts her daughter

Growing up, my parents didn't only adopt me. They adopted really goofy dogs... English Bull Terriers. That led me to volunteering with and helping found Bull Terrier Rescue of Virginia with some of the most amazing people I know.

Through social media, I  began to network with the wonderful Jacque Camlet. We send each other posts of dogs in each others' areas who need help. She has the biggest heart. When I started sharing my own story, she was brave and kind enough to share her own story with me. She didn't find out she was adopted until she was five, but found the path to healing when she and her husband adopted their daughter.


Her amazing story in her words:

It was a beautiful spring afternoon in 1968. My mother was  ironing clothes while watching her favorite soap opera, Love is a Many Splendored Thing. I also watched it with her as I played with my Barbie dolls. One of the main characters, Laura, played by actress Donna Mills, had just adopted a little girl named Maria.

Maria was about 5 years old which was about my age at that time. Maria was very mischievous but in a destructive way. In this episode, she pushed Laura down a flight of stairs intentionally. My mom and I were so shocked by the purposefulness of Maria’s actions. How could she do that to someone who wants and loves her? How could she do that to ANYONE?

The next conversation initiated by my mom would change my life FOREVER.

She asked, “How would you feel if you were Maria and you were adopted?” My answer? “I would be glad that someone wanted me an wanted to love me.” My mom’s next statement, “YOU were adopted!” I stared at her intensely, in disbelief, waiting for the “Just Joking.”

Was she joking with me just to see my reaction? Why would she joke about this with me? There was no additional response from her…How could this be? I didn’t believe her…she was lying to me. I had to ask my dad when he got home. He will tell me it’s not true.

5pm couldn’t come quickly enough. I don’t remember what happened between the time of my mother made her BIG announcement to me, to the time my dad came home. As quickly as he came in the door, I yelled, “Dad, mom said I was adopted. Tell her to stop lying to me!!”

He was stunned but the look I saw in his face as he glanced at my mother, in my heart, I knew...I just knew this was real. Who was I? Where did I come from? At that moment, my identity became black..there’s was no more color. GOD, why is this happening to me? Did you run out of love when you made me? Am I a mistake? GOD..I’m so LOST! GOD WHERE ARE YOU??!?!?!?! This would be my prayer, my plea for the next 35 years….

After my life changing discovery in 1968, my youth is remembered with much loneliness and the painful reality of being abandoned. I also had a next door neighbor, who I thought was my friend, that I shared this “news” to immediately after my discovery, only to be teased and humiliated by constantly.

The signs were always there. My adopted parents, both Filipino, always felt the need to “protect” me around other Filipinos when questioned why I looked different from them such as lighter skin color and brown hair. Instead of being honest with them AND me, they would respond with the fact that they had some Spanish ancestry that would be the reason for my differences.

Later, when the REVELATION was made to me, those answers would make me feel ashamed of being adopted and that “being adopted” was a shameful word. So, that added to all the pain and loneliness. I cried a lot especially under my bed so I wouldn’t be discovered. My saving grace was my sweet dogs who would accompany me under the bed and comfort me by licking my tears and laying their head on my body. THEY were the only ones who understood me and were my biggest supporters.

I grew to hate this ‘’birthmother” of mine and I would NEVER adopt a child so they could go through this same pain. As an adult, things got better but that painful loneliness never went away. I married in my early 30’s and we dreamed of many children. Unfortunately, that dream wasn’t going to come true. My battle with fibroid tumors would leave me barren, having multiple surgeries, and multiple tries with Invitro Fertilization. I was angry! I was so VERY angry with God! I was abandoned at birth by a MONSTER, why is God abandoning me too? Is it me? Am I not lovable? Was I a mistake? GOD WHERE ARE YOU?!??!! Have you forgotten about me?

At some point, Mike and I gave up the notion of having children and just decided to let go of the idea of becoming parents and decided to make other goals. We found King’s Grant Presbyterian Church and immediately got involved and busy. Our new church family prayed for us, unbeknownst to us until later. Spring of 2004, I got a call from my close friend, Cindy, who informed me that her friend Lynn had a discussion with one of her coworkers who said that her daughter was about to give birth in 5 weeks but couldn’t find a couple to adopt the baby.

She thought of Mike and I immediately and contacted Cindy. Cindy begged me to meet with this birthmom. I had NO intentions of going there. I was NOT going to adopt a baby. Besides, we had moved on. But, Cindy was VERY persistent and so I agreed to just meet this birthmom to appease her knowing this would go nowhere.

So, Mike and I arranged to meet the birthmom and her family a week later at a restaurant. As soon as I walked into the lobby of the restaurant, I saw the birthmom and my heart sank. I WAS LOOKING IN THE MIRROR! This birthmom not only looked like me but we had similar backgrounds. She was 5’2”, long brown hair, glasses, half Guamanian/half Caucasian. I was 5’2”, had long brown hair, glasses, half Filipino/half Caucasian. This was undeniably God’s doing, God’s work.

We decided to obey God’s direction and go ahead with the process. In the 5 + weeks, I really got to bond with the birthmom, Kristina. She was sweet and really loved her baby but had no choice but to give her up. She was 17, hadn’t finished high school, no job and still a dependent herself.

During an intervention/interview with us, the birthmom and the adoption agency we hired as our guide, the agency director asked Kristina if she wanted to hold the baby after the birth. She stated “NO.” I was overcome with hurt emotions thinking of my birthmom and how she probably didn’t get to see my little hands, little feet, eyes, nose…everything about me. Tears rolled and rolled and I implored her to please change her mind and hold her baby. She needed to do it for her, she needed to do it for the baby, she needed to do it for ME. She was my connection to my own birthmom.

The baby, a girl, came 2 weeks late….it was a happy blessing for our family but a painful one for the birthmom. Kristina loved her baby girl very much but made a selfless sacrifice so her child could have a chance at a better life than what she had and a better outcome than what was happening for her at the time. I hurt for her and at that moment, I hurt for my own birthmom.

You see…the real miracle wasn’t that Mike and I finally got a family, but in this whole experience my hurt was finally healed and my loneliness finally comforted. Our baby girl, Maddie, was a BIG HUGE bonus to that miracle. I realized that my birthmother wasn’t a monster afterall – I saw that in Kristina. Kristina became the connection that I was longing for in my own birthmom. God DID finally answer my prayers but in His timing and in HIS way…boy was that timing and way undeniably and definitely perfect!! All that time that I was wondering where God was, HE was actually weaving my beautiful story so that I could not only share it with my own daughter but with others.

Sure, there are many times I would still think (lovingly) about my birthmom and wondering if I had any siblings. My prayer for her is that she is ok and I hope to someday meet her either in this earthly life or in our heavenly life so I can thank her for loving me so selflessly and so abundantly. To GOD be the glory of this life of mine!!

Infertility Myths

Before I get into this topic, I find it amusing the #1 read post on this blog is the one about Dutch. I completely get it. A glimpse into people's personal lives and relationships can be fascinating, horrifying and gratifying all at once. Ok so back to the real topic:

What the heck does a birth mother know about infertility?

One of the questions I was asked was, “does it matter to you if who you chose has infertility issues?” To me, it didn’t matter. I didn’t want my daughter’s parents to feel they were forced into adoption; I wanted her to be their first choice, not a second less desired option. 

I’m probably not the norm in that. Infertility issues do matter to birth parents. Birth parents want to give adoptive parents the thing they have want most, a child. Of course not every couple resolves their infertility by seeking to adopt, nor should couples automatically believe it’s their best or only alternative.

There’s a  myth that comes with infertility. Some couples don’t consider adoption as a last alternative, but more of a way to obtaining a baby of their “own.” It is widely believed, “once you adopt, you will relax and have a child of your own.” Rather than acknowledging infertility, adoption is viewed as a temporary measure in a quest for their own baby.

People put my mom was in that category. She and my dad tried to have children for years, they each had every surgery you could think of. The emotional toll was crushing. They tried to adopt a little boy from Mexico and were scammed out of thousands and thousands of dollars, that’s a lot of money now but it was really a lot of money in the 1980s. It makes me so angry to know they were taken advantage of in such a vulnerable way. 

My birth mother wanted a semi-open adoption. Semi-open adoptions were unheard of at that time, especially in Idaho. My parents were desperate for a baby and decided they would agree to anything. (Not the best way to go about that, as they later reflected on that). I was brought home as a new born and three days later my mom found out she was pregnant. She was so afraid that the state was going to take me away if they found out. She hid her pregnancy as long as she could. Social services did not take me away and the case worker was very happy for my mom.  

It drives my mom crazy anytime someone says to her, “Oh that happens all the time! People adopt and then find out they are pregnant!” It doesn’t happen all of the time and it dismisses a lot of what she experienced and it dismisses everything they came to accept about semi-open adoption, as if it was a means to an end to have their own child and brushes the importance of the adoption off to the side. 

My parents really struggled with infertility. If you are struggling with infertility there are infertility support groups. RESOLVE is a National Infertility Association. Get counseling. It truly helps when couples are able to accept the loss of their unborn child before they begin a relationship with an adoptee. It’s just as important for adoptive families to get counseling as it is for birth parents to get counseling. Graceful Adoptions provides counseling to both adoptive parents and birth parents, that was really important to me. 

Adoption is a lifetime experience that doesn’t just go away. Adoptive parents can’t give the biological heritage or genetic future to their child. Birth parents cannot raise a child born to them. Both sets of parents experience an incompleteness and loss. 

When both set of parents are given support and counseling, the outcome is amazing. People who had been complete strangers are united in a deep bond of love for a child and put aside their fears of open adoption to provide the most love possible for the adoptee. 

A couple of my other posts:

Why an Adoption Agency?

Selecting the Best Adoption Agency for you

Please be a little kinder.

I didn't make any new years resolutions, just a hope for 2016 to be a little kinder than 2015. My family fought some hard battles this year and we each survived. We each survived. We may not be that lucky next year, so for right now I'm going to savor that, i'm going to live in the moment.

I'd even dare to say we came out on top with the birth of BB. Because of BB, we don't have just a family tree, we now have a family orchard.


I've learned who my friends are and that you can love family even when they go against everything you know is right. I met some amazing people I hope to keep in my life (Alex, I'm looking at you!) and so many others.

This reflection is coming on day of excitement and anxiety. I signed the contract. I got myself a really great 2 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment with an attached garage, I love the Rippon Landing area. I'm moving forward. I'm excited to have my own space again even though I'll miss the daily antics of my family. I wouldn't have been able to afford it alone without the blogging, web editing and speech writing pay on top of my regular paycheck.

Even though I have done the numbers over and over and budgeted months out, I still had a panic attack when I signed the papers. $1,640 a month. My brain went something like this:


Freedom!
Ahhh what did I just do?
I want to hug my apartment I love it so much.
Ahhh I'm about to be very broke.
Relax!
No!
Just be happy!
ok, I'll give you five minutes.
FREAK OUT!!!
Ok. I'm good now. You signed a contract you will figure everything out. You got this. You know what's cool? You will from this point forward, forever have a nice place to offer your daughter and her parents a place to stay.


I'm reading a book called, "Wild." I really related to a line I read last night. "I didn't feel proud or ashamed. I only felt that in spite of all the things i'd done wrong, in getting myself here, I'd done right."

Birthdays, Bowling and then some!

I'm a little behind on blog posts lately. I'll just blame the holidays. This post will be all over the place covering all sorts of topics.

 Dialogue
A few things I've really come to appreciate about this blog is that it has opened up a lot of dialogue with friends, my family and my biological family. My biological father sent me a Facebook message letting me know he did tell his daughters about me when they were teenagers, he just hadn't mentioned it to me and updated me on some information and apologized for a few things that hurt my feelings, so that was really nice to hear.

I also wrote a post recently for Graceful Adoptions that I think is important:
Adoption Myth 4: If Adoptees Loved Their Family, They Wouldn’t be Searching

Moving
I had dinner with a good friend of mine this week. He is taking a job in Germany so the place he just moved into will be available in the spring. It was a dual-purposed dinner. We wanted to hang out and at the same it would give me an opportunity to check out the place.

It's a gorgeous house, just a block away from the metro in Alexandria. It would have been a 15 minute commute to work for me. Josh's roommate Jenny is fantastic. We're both runners, wine drinkers and animal lovers. There were two reasons I declined moving in. The first is that I have an entire apartment's worth of furniture, and other than the den and master bedroom, everything is fully furnished. It even has a garage. If you just happen to be looking for a place, let me know!

The second is that I always want to have an extra room to offer Tom, Macii and BB whenever they want to visit. Wherever I am, there will always be a place for them. Oh, I also really needed a garage that would fit the hard top of the jeep, the motorcycle, my camping/backpacking gear and the jeep. So I'm moving back into the complex Drew and I used to live in: Riverside Station. 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, big garage, other than the long commute to work, it's in a great location!

Birthdays
We celebrated my sister's 30th birthday last weekend. It's the weird time of year where she and I are the same age from January-April.

She is probably the most emotional when it comes to anything having to do with the adoption, she ugly cries (happy tears) at everything. When we got her a gift, a photo frame filled with pictures of her and BB, she broke down in tears at Christmas. Macii and Tom text her a happy birthday photo with BB, completely cried at that too. She loved it.

 I still haven't regretted my choice to place BB for adoption for one second, she was meant to be exactly where she is, but I sure do love that they want us to be a part of her life. Even though we can be a little strange lol. Here is my wonderfully strange family partying it up at the bowling alley for my sister's 30th birthday. We'll be going skiing at some point soon, it's finally cold enough!


 



I love them :)