What's in a name?

My full name is Jacqueline Nicole Leeker. Had I not been adopted, my name would have been Nicole Little.

My parents chose my first name. They were going to call me "Jacqueline Noelle Leeker" but when they found out my birth mom Erica was going to name me Nicole, they chose it as my middle name.

I love that my name is a combination from my family (Jacqueline) and biological family (Nicole).

I had started to look at names for my daughter but I couldn't even get past the letter "A."  I don't know why. I didn't feel it was my right to name her, I wouldn't be raising her.

I had asked Karen with Graceful Adoptions what she thought I should do. She asked me to send her a few names I liked and she would send them to Macii and Tom and see what they thought.

My two choices were Josephine and Catalina (sailing is a big deal in my family). 

They chose her first name. It's beautiful and different.  It's the name of the street they were married on. They loved Josephine, it incorporated Tom's middle name and the name of the Church they were married. It all fit together so perfectly without even trying.

Her last name will change to theirs in about six months at a court date to finalize the adoption.

 Her first name means victory, a combination of strength and creativity.

I love thinking that the strength refers to me and the creativity refers to Macii, though a part of us encompasses each word. 


I can't resist posting these.. my sense of humor appreciates them too much :)

The First Meeting

To protect the privacy of my daughter and the couple I adopted to, I've changed their names.

BB- I called my daughter baby burrito when she was double swaddled in the hospital. I will refer to her as that.

Tom- her adoptive father, her dad. If I told you why I chose this, it would give away BB's true name.

Macii- her adoptive mother, her mom. Macii is Byelorussian for "mother" ... whatever Byelorussian is lol


So the date was set. I was so nervous! My parents and social worker reassured me and told me that I may be nervous, but the couple would be 100 times more nervous than what I was feeling.

I met Tom and Macii at Ted's Montana Grill on a Thursday evening. They brought me some really good salt water taffy from their home state and a beautiful piece of art work she had done. For an hour and a half we shared a delicious meal, talked about our families, about growing up, about my doctor's appointments and how our girl was doing. I had scanned the sonogram pictures earlier that day and gave the originals to the couple. We made plans for Friday and said good night. I knew after the phone call that this was the couple I wanted to adopt my children, but meeting them solidified my decision. If circumstances would have been different, I'd like to think the three of us would have been really good friends. Now, they are family.

On Friday we made a practice run to the hospital and I showed them where to go. The plan was Labor and Delivery would let them stay in a room across from mine as long as it was not needed by another mother delivering. We left the hospital and headed to my favorite restaurant, the Chart House. It seemed appropriate to take them to a seafood place when on the East Coast. Conversation was never forced. I gave them a very special book.

My parents read "The Mulberry Bird" to me. It is an adoption story from the perspective of the birthmother; describing her love for her baby and most importantly her efforts to provide for that baby. In the face of insurmountable obstacles she chooses an adoptive family. My parents read that story to me before I could talk and grasp the concept, so there was never a day I remember being told I was adopted, but it helped me understand.

 I gave my copy to Tom and Maccii while we were at the Chart House. I wanted to give them something that showed I cared deeply for them and was serious in choosing them. So I gave them the book that meant the most to me, a book they could read to our daughter and help her understand, a book that might connect us in new ways. I did not give them just any copy, I gave them my copy, the very book that I grew up with, the first book I would place on my book shelf anytime I moved.

Leaving the Chart House with warm hearts and full stomachs we walked across the street to the Torpedo Factory.  The Torpedo Factory is an old munitions plant turned art gallery.  It has more than 82 artist studios, seven galleries, an art school and cafe.

I chose it because I knew Macii is a talented artist who enjoyed mixed media and the location would provide a lot of things to talk about. Torpedo Factory has a wide variety of media including painting, ceramics, photography, jewelry, stained glass, fiber, printmaking, and sculpture. The artists invite visitors to join them in their studios. Learn about what inspires them, ask about the creative processes, and purchase original work for your own collection.

We had a fantastic time. I showed them my favorite artists and heard their opinions on different art works. 

After the Torpedo Factory, Macii and Tom dropped me off at my place and we made plans for Saturday. We would drive to Manassas for them to meet my sister and parents. We would have lunch and then head to a winery.

I received a text from my mom that night. She went off the deep end into crazy town. One of the questions I was asked during my conversation with the adoption agency was if I would mind if the couple had fertility issues or not. I did not mind at all. If a couple wanted to love my daughter unconditionally, it didn't matter to me how they came to that decision. Also, perhaps a couple who didn't have fertility issues wouldn't feel pressured to adopt, it wouldn't be a last resort for them.

I never asked if they had fertility issues, it wouldn't affect my decision. However, my mom didn't feel she could accept them if they didn't have fertility issues, that she had no control over her grand daughter being adopted and who she was being adopted to. It was a heated conversation that ended with me telling her to pull it together and I couldn't handle her falling apart, I was having a hard enough time keeping myself together.

I started to worriy a winery may have been a really bad idea.. loose lips sink ships and all that.

Saturday was a beautiful day! Tom and Macii gave my parents a hilarious gift. We sat in the sun on the screened in deck eating subway and getting to know each other. We took two cars and Tom missed our turn to the winery because we were all laughing so hard over family tradition stories and flying bacon bits (be sure you are clear when asking for the bacon, you may get catapulted backwards in your chair by flying bacon bits due to miscommunication).

We arrived at Delaplane Cellars shortly after my parents and sister.

I feel like I missed out on quite a bit of the conversations because being the pregnant one I was in the bathroom every five minutes.

A winery brought up some questions.. what if they don't drink? What if my family drinks too much? Does that look wrong that the pregnant woman suggested a winery? I of course drank water and really just wanted to enjoy a gorgeous view.

There were a few comments and questions asked by my family that made me uneasy. My sister asked them outright if they had fertility issues. I was pissed! That could have been a very painful topic for them. It turned out they wanted to avoid the possibility of passing some genetic things to a child and both wanted to adopt.

My sister then told Macii and Tom she didn't like the name we all picked out together and would call her by her initials. Again, I was really angry. Since hearing the story about how BB's name was chosen and the significance behind it, my family loves it and it fits her so well.

Normally I would recommend a much shorter visit as I think by that time we were all exhausted, but we were also really enjoying each others company. We headed back to the house to take care of the dogs. They got to meet my Bullmastiff Max and my parent's two crazy bull terriers.

My parents enjoyed showing Tom and Macii my baby pictures. I'm sure they enjoyed that as well, to get a glimpse into what their daughter may look like. We went out to dinner at Glory Days, had a really nice time and called it a night afterwards. They dropped me off at my apartment and I hugged tightly telling them thank you, I loved them and I couldn't be happier that we would soon be family.

Tom made a great observation about the meeting, that is was like a first date that leads to marriage. No pressure!

I told them I would send updates on my appointments and how BB was doing and that I would see them soon.

The Phone Interview

I had confirmed with the agency the phone interview would take place on July 16, 2015.

Graceful Adoptions sent me a list of recommended questions that I modified to what I was looking for. Dutch never called into the phone interview, which at the time was really surprising and very hurtful. This was my e-mail to him that included the questions and my notes from the interview.

I hope this provides some insight to what kind of life I wanted my daughter to have. There was not a single response that made me pause for concern, I would have answered them in almost the exact same way.

My e-mail to Dutch:

"I took notes from the phone interview I had with the couple if you want to read over them. I'm working on having them come visit either the weekend of Aug. 1 or 8th for two days. If you'd like to meet them, I'll let you know what dates and times they will be here. They are going to meet my parents and sister.

Not sure if you have talked to Karen or not, but just so you know I haven't made any comments to anyone about you other than you don't know if or how you want to participate in any of this.

Question 1: Tell me about your relationship. How long have you been together?
Response 1: They met in 2009 on match.com. Their first date was dinner. They had funny strange conversations about vegetables and goats. Their second date was a hockey game. She got up to go to the concession stand, it took so long he thought she left. He was sooooo happy when she returned. A year a half later they were engaged, and have been married 4 years this November.

Question 2: How do you solve problems?
Response 2: Communication, we talk about it, we go for long walks while we talk things out, with bigger problems we cant come to an agreement on we make a pros and cons list.

Question 3: How do you disagree?
Response 3: Her: - I guess I'm a typical girl I want to talk things out and know exactly what his thoughts are on everything.
Him:- I'm a typical guy i prefer to internalize things, that causes disagreements between us, but that's when we go for those walks

Question 4: What was it about your partner that made you fall in love with him/her?
Response 4: Her- He is the nicest most considerate person I've ever met, hes so good with my family and friends, we share the same humor. Him: She is creative quirky she introduces me to new music, and takes me to new places like coffee shops

Question 5: What is the thing you like most about each other?
Response 5:  Her- he is my best friend. If i get really excited about something he will get just as excited if not more so, and same thing if its not good news, he's right there. Him- She balances me, I'm an auditor and surrounded by people who do the same thing day in and day out, a lot of numbers and very hum drum, coming home to her creativity and energy is a breath of fresh air, its my favorite part of the day

Question 6: What do you like least?
Response 6: Her- we're a good team with chores, but I
hate the way he cleans (sorry!) Him: that's OK, I hate the cleaning expectations you put on me

Question 7: What is your relationship like with your families?
Response 7: Him-very close, 1 younger sis who has w/ 3 kids, Sunday dinners spent together. Her- parents, older bro, older sis, 2 nieces, farm, trips, niece is a teenager making a movie, which they both have roles in, both sides get along really well

Question 8: Tell me about your life style?
Response 8: concerts, sporting events, BBQs, day trips, church, travel

Question 9: Tell me about your support system?
Response 9: family, his parents retired, hes got a very large extended family his mom was 1 of 10 siblings and they all live close, She has a smaller family, Christmas is HUGE. Her family is much smaller but both sides couldn't be more excited for them to adopt.

Questions 10: How involved are you in your church? Religion? Beliefs? How will that
influence your child as hey get older?
Response 10:  catholic mass every sunday evening (catholic), he volunteers to lecture once a month, keeps them grounded and thankful, golden rule, help others, treat others as they want to be treated

Question 11: Tell me about work/life balance in your home?
Response 11: She is a graphic designer, but will become a stay at home mom, he works 8-5 flexible and cant wait to have to leave work early for games or dances or family events, very flexible schedule

Question 12: Do you travel?
Response 12: big passion! she has been to 5 countries, month long photography trip. he travels- weekend and day trips, 2 weeks in spain, brings her on work trips, they want to continue to travel

Question 13: Do you have any pets?
Response 13: no but love animals, her my parents have a farm with goats, horses, cattle, owls, kittens, we're up there all the time. him- let's be honest.. you have an unhealthy obsession with kitten. Her- it's true.

Question 14: Why are you adopting?
Response 14: before meeting they felt they would want to adopt, she was hesitant in having that discussion with him, but he had always felt the same way

Question 15: When did you first decide you wanted to to start a family?
Response 15: talked about it while dating, really excited

Question 16: How do you feel about parenting an adopted child?
Response 16:  soooooo excited!families excited! Him- i feel like im saying the word excited every
other word.. we just are, I'm probably just saying that too much

Question 17: Do you plan on having more children?
Response 17: talked about maybe adopting two, right now id like to focus on just the one and see where that takes us, we both have siblings we love so we will probably be open to that in a few years

Question 18: What do you look forward doing most with your child?
Response 18: Her: day to day, holding, feeding, changing, cant wait to be reading together, taking trips, introduce them to the world, I can teach photography or while I am doing graphic design she can be coloring next to em, Him: excuse to get out of work for sporting events!

Question 19: How would you discipline your children?
Response 19: guidance and positive feedback, encouragement and feedback, counting, time outs if needed

Question 20: What are you favorite activities to do individually and together now?
Response 20: individually- creative photography, graphic design, crafts and teach them how to.. him: i'm eclectic, love reading!!!! museums, sporting events, farmers market, volunteering, family community events

Question 21: Do you have any adoption connections in your family?
Response 21:  her- 2 adopted cousins

Question 22: How do you feel about the child knowing their birth family?
Response 22: open and supportive, we've done a lot of research that its best for the child and both families to be involved in the child's life. Why would we deny anyone from loving our child? more love the better they are completely open to regular updates and annual visits

Question 23: I think I mentioned to you that I want to make sure she has a family that accepts her no matter what and that she can talk to about anything... adoption, sex, sexuality, etc. I told them about my sister's coming out as a lesbian and asked what their reaction would be in that situation? I just want to make sure she's accepted for who she is in every way...
Response 23: we will love her no matter what

Question 24: I asked if there was anything they wanted to ask me and they asked if I had any family traditions i want them to include, I hadn't thought about that.

I forgot to ask them how they felt about you being involved or not being involved. I also forgot to ask if they had a name in mind. I couldn't even get past the letter A when I first looked at names, but the agency recommended naming her with the adoptive family so that way we don't know her by one name and then in six months her name is changed legally on her birth certificate. I like Josephine and Catalina. Maybe one could be her middle name, that's how I got mine.

There's definitely a level on trust on both sides.. that I will follow through on the adoption and that they will follow through on what they say they will do and not cut off all communication once they adopt the baby, its scary."

Choosing Parents for my child

During one of my counseling sessions, my social worker recommended I make a list of the reasons I decided to place my daughter for adoption. Whenever I doubted my decision I could refer to the list. The list lines up nicely with what I was looking for in adoptive parents. Here it is:

1. My daughter would receive more love. Not less. She would have two committed parents in love who want a baby more than anything. Instead of a single parent. Instead of just me and my family she gets her mom, her mom's family, her dad, her's family, me and my family.

 2. I can't be a stay at home mom. I LOVE my career. I have a lot of respect for single working  parents, but it's not something I can do without being stressed and stressing my daughter. I can find a family who will have someone able to stay at home with her and provide a calming, loving and fun environment for her.

3. I have a studio apartment. There is hardly enough room for my dog and I. I'd like her to have a home.

4. I want her to have opportunities to travel. I travel all the time, it's not a schedule conducive to a newborn though, and it's hard to travel on your own with a child.

5. I want her to grow up in a family where education is important. I'm about to start a Masters Degree. I would have to put those plans on hold, which sounds selfish but I'm not in a good place to be a parent for many reasons, this is just one of them.

6. I want an open adoption. I'd like updates at least quarterly and annual visits.

7. I want her to grow up in a spiritual home, they don't have to be Roman Catholic, but I'd like her to grow up in a supportive community and learn values and norms from others in addition to her parents.

8. I want her to be loved unconditionally, no matter how she turns out.

Some other questions I was asked to consider:

Does is matter if the couple is having infertility issues? Nope, I just want her to be adopted by a family who supports adoption and will love her unconditionally.

Does it matter if they have children already or want more children? No. I loved growing up with a sister, but preferably I would like her to be the first because I would like her to be spoiled and doted on, but that's not any type of deal breaker.


Based on that information, Dutch and I were given several profiles of families approved by Graceful Adoptions. I was getting frustrated Dutch was not more involved with the process. He told me that I was the one driving the train. That's true because he wouldn't reply for days or weeks and I couldn't wait. I replied it would be nice to have some input. We looked over the families separate and came to the same conclusion.

Reasons we chose the couple we did:

Baby girl's mom had a creative side, was artistic, has a communications background, she would be a stay at home mom as she was gone
Baby girl's dad was very financially savvy. 
Their extended families lived close, she would grow up around A LOT of cousins.
They are educated, quirky, fun loving, catholic, they travel, are close with their families, and most importantly wanted to adopt.


Every birth mom and biological father will have different reasons and different preferences. Those were mine. I emailed the agency letting them know who we wanted to interview.

I get by with a little help from my friends

Thank God for good friends! I told my friend Laura who has been my longest friend for the past 12 years. She cried for me because she knew that being a mother was the last thing I wanted. I can't quite describe how profound that is.. to have someone care for you so much that it brings them to tears when something happens, something they know you never wanted.

Laura is part of my family, she knows them well and they love her. She is family. She called me just about every morning just to let me process my thoughts, share my fears and tell me about her own experiences when her son was born. She and her family PCS'd (military acronym for Permanent Change of Station... aka they moved) to Arizona while I was going through all of that and she was still there for me. I know it has been really hard for her not being able to physically be here for it all.

She was heart broken over not being able to meet my daughter and be there for me at the hospital. It can be very emotionally draining to support someone going through this process. Not only did she support me but she was there to listen to my sister and mom and help them through their own fears. She's got the biggest heart of anyone I know, she is raising her nephew until her sister is in a better place to be able to parent. She's also got one of the hardest jobs I know. She's a stay at home mom who takes amazing care of two little boys, is a military spouse and volunteers at homeless shelter. I asked her some really tough questions about what it was like to be raised by a single mother, what it was like not to have a dad around growing up. There's not one thing I would change about Laura, but I wish I could have changed her memories that caused so much pain.

 This photo was taken more than 12 years ago. 

  This is us on Oct. 16, 2015. Six weeks after I had my daughter.

I'm not sure what I did to deserve having such wonderful people in my life.

I also would not have been able to survive without Sarah. We met a few years ago through a running/drinking club. We sat next to eachother at a Medevil Times event, and a great friendship was started over some meade and a night out dancing shortly after. We're fierce supporters of each other and have been there for each other when things are hard without judgment.

She helped me get through a lot of panic and questions. She reminded me to make decisions from a place of love, not fear. She was in the hospital waiting room with my dad and sister the day my daughter was born. Sarah brings a warm energy, a quick wit and loving words that can diffuse any emotionally heightened situation.

My daughter's parents brought my daughter over for dinner before they headed home and I didn't want to be an emotional mess the way I was at the hospital. Sarah provided me a really good emotional buffer so I wouldn't dwell in thoughts and feelings of sadness. She also has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. She took in her brother's kids from really horrible situations, adopted them and her daughter from her husband's previous marriage. She helped me understand that whether or not I kept my daughter, my baby is going to grow up in a world that is not perfect and I couldn't protect her from everything, whether she was with me or not.

 First night really hanging out, we've never looked prettier!

 A night out dancing.

 Sarah holding my daughter the day she was born :)

In addition to Laura and Sarah, I've been blessed to have such a close friendship with my roomate from college, Jaclyn. We were pregnant at the same time.

I had a million questions..
What the heck is with this glucose test?
Why don't I need the Rh factor shot?
What's the bacteria they check for?
Why do I need to go to the doctor so often?
What is the best prenatal vitamin?
What is this pain?
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT DOES NOT GIVE ANY PAID MATERNITY LEAVE?
What does a Braxton Hicks contraction feel like?
Do you have this pain?
What the heck is lightning crotch?
Why do I feel like I am being shocked?
Why do people not tell us these things?!?

....and the list goes on. We were insomnia buddies having those conversations at 3 a.m. I was hesitant to tell her I was pregnant at first because she has had a very difficult pregnancy and getting pregnant was hard enough.. and here I am tada! 32 weeks pregnant and never had morning sickness, didn't restrict my physical activity and no difficulties with the pregnancy (I was out on my motorcycle at 31 weeks and out on boats at 32 weeks).

She and her husband really wanted a baby and they have been going through hell. I had an easy pregnancy and chose to place my daughter for adoption. I didn't want her to feel bad that something she wanted so badly had come so easily to me without any effort. She didn't want me to feel bad that she had a wonderful and supportive husband and family who wouldn't have to go through hard choices and the emotions of grief that comes with adoption.

There was no such thing as too much information between us. We were each other's sounding boards, shared "my mother is being crazy" stories, doctors appointments updates and I constantly asked for her opinion on things. I went to her baby shower two weeks after I gave birth. That probably sounds like a bad idea, but despite a few moments of sadness, I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I wanted to be a part of the love and support for her and her husband's new baby girl. My mom put it best, our paths are very different but both situations and emotionally charged. I think it says a lot about us as people to be able to support the other while going through our own drastic ups and downs.

 Pregnant at the same time :)

 At a Third Eye Blind Concert together :)

My sister was also a huge help. She'd check in on me often. She really surprised everyone, I think most of all herself about how much the decision of adoption affected her. She LOVES kids and loved the idea of being a very involved aunt. She spent as much time as she could at the hospital with us and gave my daughter a really beautiful gift of Cat in the Hat books, large stuffed animal and a book on acceptance.

 Katie and I at one of my Halloween Parties

 Katie and I apple picking. 

My sister holding my daughter for the first time :)

My parents of course played a huge role in all of this, but that topic deserves its own blog post.

I also reached out to my boss and co-workers. I had just started my promotion to a new military organization in May and was asking for Maternity leave by August. I was worried they would think I hid the pregnancy from them during my interview. If anyone ever did think that, they never shared it with me and I received nothing but the most amazing support to take care of myself and my daughter. I was really blessed to be working with them. They asked to see sonogram photos, would always ask how I was doing and they were so wonderfully receptive and open to my decision of adoption. They even came to visit me in the hospital to bring flowers the day she was born. I don't know how I can ever repay them for their kindness.

Some very weird and unexpected things happen when you start to tell people you are pregnant and have chosen to place your daughter for adoption. My family and I were approached by friends, co-workers and acquaintances who shared their stories of infertility and the desire to adopt. I couldn't believe the amount of pain friends were going through and facing alone and in silence. I couldn't offer them more than someone to listen to and be transparent about my own situation.

I heard from people I hadn't talked to in years and people I had never heard from before. I had an opportunity to repair and rebuild relationships and even start new ones. To those I heard from to those who offered their own stories and who prayed for me, I can't thank you enough.

Did everyone agree with my decision? Absolutely not. My grandfather's wife shared with my parents their thoughts on how adoption is unnatural and that if you become pregnant that means God wants you to have that child. They were quickly reminded my grandfather's second daughter was adopted and that I was as well. They said they couldn't be at the hospital, that it would be too hard. I didn't need them to agree with my choice, it was mine to make. Others openly shared their opinions. They were supportive  yet it was hard to hear from people on what a great mother I would be. My mom had even said that to me. It probably seemed like a cold response at the time, but I told her I could be a fantastic mom, but I would hate what I would have to become to be the kind of mother my daughter deserved.

My decision impacted so many more people than just myself, my daughter and her parents.

Without community support, birth parents are handicapped in their ability to resolve their decision and to constructively rebuild their lives. I never realized for some family members of a birth parent, the loss of a child through adoption compares to the loss of a child through death. In closed adoptions, family members often say goodbye to a baby in the same moments they hold and welcome that child into the world for the first time. The placement of a child might mean the loss of grandchild they will never know. This goes back to why finding an adoption organization who offers life time counseling to not just you but your family and friends is so important.

One important thing to note.. I  mentioned having several friends and family members who did not agree with my decision but they supported me because they love me. Knowing I could provide them what they wanted (to be a grandparent, to be an aunt, to be a parent) was difficult. I had the ability to make someone's dreams come true, but to do that would have been at my own expense, and my daughter's. I told several people I didn't need their support because I knew without a doubt I was making the right choice. Don't let anyone decide for you.

So I had decided on adoption and an agency, now....how the heck do you decide who will be the parents to your child?

Finding out I was Pregnant... at 32 weeks

It sounds nuts right? How could someone not know they were pregnant until month 8. I sent an e-mail to my closest friends. The subject line was "you might want to sit down for this..."

 This is the e-mail.




"I've had a cough for a few months that I have not been able to kick, and have been to a lot of specialists and nothing has seemed to help it. So on Monday last week after our an awesome 4th of July lake trip I went back to my doctor and told her I've been coughing so hard my stomach cramps up, well she had me pee in a cup and came in yelling "CONGRATULATIONS!" I shot back a very short and confused, "For what?" "you're pregnant," she replied.

Hello heart attack, especially considering I've been on Depo Provera shot for 2 years. The doctor was close to my parent's house so I drove there to see my mom. I couldn't even get the words out I was crying to hard. She knew I had a doctor's appointment for my cough and was worried I had been diagnosed with some fatal respiratory disease and I was finally able to get out the words, "I'm pregnant." She consoled me and told me, "oh? oh! oh.. pregnant is OK, pregnant is not dying, we can do this."

I left there and went to Dutch's place Monday night July 6. We were already having a rough time and it got ugly. I cried, he didn't give a lot of feedback, we talked about all of our options. It turned into yelling and me leaving. We left it that I would look into all the options and let me know.

My doctor sent me to get a sonogram on Wednesday afternoon. The technician FREAKED me out. She barely started and then RAN out of the room, she came back in and said she needed to call my primary care doctor before she could tell me, but then decided that she had an obligation to tell me anyways. I am 32 weeks along and due on Aug. 27. A baby girl, all measurements and fluid levels are normal.

I know it's hard to believe, but I really had no idea. It's really the last thing I could have ever wanted, with these circumstances anyways. I've been on the Depo Provera shot for 2 years, so no period. Also my clothes never got any tighter, but i had wondered why if i working out so much and had such a calorie deficit why I was just staying at the same weight. I haven't had any aches or pains but i drank a ton of water and have always been good about taking vitamins. So there were definitely some signs I should have picked up on, (calf muscle cramps, and peeing all the time) but at the same time being on the shot it was the furthest thing from my mind. I also am glad i'm not a smoker and not much of a drinker.

Also, I was drinking water way more water than usual to try to flush out my cough, so it would make sense I would need to pee more.

My family really wants me to keep her and have offered for Max (dog) and I to move home so they could help with everything. I have not lived at home in a REALLY long time. I'm a planner and researcher so I feel like I've missed 8 months of information, appointments and opportunity to prepare.

Not expected, not planned for, and Dutch has pretty much bailed. I didn't want to see him in person after our first fight, so we talked on the phone and soon after a few texts I haven't heard from him.

My family and I had an entire plan in place to move home, how schedules would work to avoid daycare costs, baby stuff. My daughter wouldn't have ever wanted for anything, but I think a huge part of my success in life has bee having two committed parents who love each other, and she wouldn't have that with Dutch and I. Adoption, as much as I know my family wants me to keep it, her not having two parents is something I can't help, but I can help her by choosing an open adoption.

I found this organization:

http://gracefuladoptions.com/considering-adoption/

I like that they do criminal background checks, medical clearance, financial review, etc. They require a letter from their doctor stating they are free of any medical, mental or emotional condition that would affect their ability to parent, a proof of insurance, a proof of employment and proof that they are financially stable. The adopting family get a home check and has to attend classes. They have a D.C. office.

I've had three meetings with them and from the little I heard from Dutch he said he supports my decision and agrees with the family i'd like to interview for adoption: ( I attached the PDF of their profile). They have big extended families! She is into photography, reading, open to lots of communications and visits and she's a stay at home mom!

I have a phone interview with them on Thursday night at 6:30.

I know its one heck of a shock, but if i'm not around for a lot of things.. that would be why, or you run into me and I look huge (which i expect to happen soon). It's not any kind of secret I need to keep or feel ashamed of, birth control failed, was in a on again off again relationship for years. I didnt do anything stupid so I dont mind sharing the news with people.

I also decided that 6 weeks is not enough time to prepare, to deal with my dad's cancer diagnosis, my aunt's cancer diagnosis and on top of that I may need to go to St. Louis soon for my grandfather who is not doing well.

(A few months prior I had dinner with a few friends and we were talking about Chinese Horoscopes.) Remember when we had dinner at Joe's Montana Grill and the chinese horoscope thing said worst year ever? It's really living up to that!"

A few photos from 4th of July weekend with my friend Sarah... just two days before finding out I was 32 weeks pregnant.

A Legacy of Adoption

Being adopted a few days after being born was one the best things to ever happen to me. I would have never had the opportunities or known the amount of love I’ve had throughout my life. Fast forward 30 years and I never could have imagined I would be a birth mom. I'm starting this blog to help anyone else navigate through adoption, to dispel the myths of adoption and talk about the realities. I can't tell the story of my daughter's adoption until I talk about my own. My birth mom was a very young teenager when she became pregnant. My biological father was in the Marine Corps. He proposed. She declined. She could barely take care of herself at that age, how could they raise a child? A photo of my birth mom in 1985, the year I was born and one of her favorite horses. A Tennessee Walker named Jeep :)

There was much more of a shame stigma in the mid 80's than there is now, it still exists but less so. For bearing a child outside of marriage. So my birth mom was sent off to a school for pregnant women. Not too far from her were my parents. They were a couple who had been trying for years to have a child. They had every medical test and surgery known to man and were told they were not meant to have children. They had also been scammed out of a lot of money. An agency took their money, led them to believe they were about to adopt a little boy from Mexico, then disappeared. It makes my blood boil thinking about an agency taking advantage of them at such a vulnerable time. They were soon referred to a state agency. They put together a file that contained their information and photos. This is one of several files my birth mother was given. She loved that my dad was in the Navy and that I would have an opportunity to see the world. She loved that my mom was a nurse and I would have someone who could take care of me. My parents shared the same Catholic religion, which in a predominantly Mormon area was hard to find. My parents didn't submit glamour shot staged photos, they were out back packing, hiking and smiling. My parents reminded my birth mom of her own parents.

 This is a photo of my parents on their first date:

She chose them :) We had a semi-open adoption. I knew my birth mom's name, had photos, a letter and a necklace my biological father had given her. Semi-open adoptions were practically unheard of at that time. I'm thankful she went against the norm. I didn't hear much from her growing up, she was afraid to interfere with the way my family wanted to parent. When I turned 18, I received a huge packet in the mail containing my medical history, family history and news that I had a half brother and half sister a few years younger than I am. We immediately starting e-mailing and planning a trip. We took a family vacation to Yellowstone, Glacier National Park and further north to meet her.

These were taken when I met her. Her decision impacted my life in the best way. I got to travel and have an amazing education. I never wanted for anything. I grew up with two parents who are very much in love and have now been married more than 36 years. I don't remember there being a day I was told about being adopted. My parents explained it to me and read me adoption stories before I was even old enough to understand. Were things perfect? Absolutely not! I was a horrendous teenager. Yet had I not been adopted, I may have never left Idaho. I would have gone through my birth mother's unhealthy relationships. I would have grown up in a stressful environment as she navigated motherhood as a teenager, something she wasn't prepared for. Instead I was placed in a loving home and had a wonderfully supportive family who wanted me more than anything they have ever wanted.

Every year for my birthday I am told how much I was wanted and how much I am loved. My parents tell me about the night they received the phone call about my birth. They say it was one of the happiest moments in their life. Who wouldn't want to hear that? Oh, and those infertility issues they were having? Well wouldn't you know a few days after they brought me home, my mom found out she was pregnant. My sister and I are about eight months apart. I've had a built in best friend my entire life. It was another day of absolute joy for my parents.

 

(Me welcoming home my sister)

 

Fast forward 30 years and I am a communications and outreach professional in the D.C. area. I was completely panicked when I found out I was pregnant after a birth control defect. My boyfriend and I decided we were not in a good place to be parents. We discussed all of our options. To raise a baby together, abortion or adoption. My family even offered to retire early to help me raise the baby. I cried for days and was completely panicked. My relationship fell apart and abortion was not an option to me personally. I would never judge anyone else on what choice they feel is best for them. I can only walk in my own shoes.

I started to research an endless amount of adoption types and agencies. I came across Graceful Adoptions and for the first time, I felt calm. My wonderful friend Sarah told me to make decisions from a place of love and not from a place of fear. She also told me to tap my fingers on my thigh to connect that feeling of calm with that tapping sensation so that later when I would feel panicked about my decision I could just tap my fingers and be taken right back to that moment of serenity knowing I made the right choice. I tapped my fingers on my thigh quite a bit the past couple of months.

When I looked at Graceful Adoptions the families looking to adopt seemed so warm. I appreciated the fact they had been through background checks, financial screenings, home checks, and training. I also liked that there was no "typical birth mom." Birth moms featured on the page were all ages, some were single, some were married, some had placed children for adoption before, for others this was a first time pregnancy, some had older children, some had younger. I was worried I would be judged for having a career, making good money and having a good family.

How could I not keep a baby? I asked myself, how could I keep her? I had a small studio in Alexandria, we're talking less than 550 sq. feet with my giant loving bull mastiff. How could I balance a career and a baby and start a Master's Degree? Wouldn't I be judged for being selfish? No. A lot of people didn't agree with my decision, people I was used to having in my corner. When you know you are making the right choice, you don't need anyone to agree with you.

During my search I found several agencies I didn't agree with. Some agencies, specifically religious ones won't work with you if the father is not 100% on board. My boyfriend did help to choose adoption and did help to choose the parents, but disappeared after that for three months. I would have never guessed that would have been his response. He didn't even respond to information about her birth or her pictures. I heard from him two weeks after she was born. He was served papers in the middle of his new command on the first week there. He could have avoided the entire thing, so I took a little bit of pleasure from that.

Graceful Adoptions didn't judge me. They also offered more support to the birth parents than any other agency I compared them to. They helped me by providing a wonderful lawyer, support, life time counseling, medical and expense coverage. I immediately had a team of people in my corner that helped me navigate through each step of the process. They were always available to answer every question at any time, and have never failed to be there for me. There was never any judgement, just support.

 My boyfriend and I decided adoption would be the best decision.
 - She would have two loving parents, not just me as a single full-time working mom.
 - She would have a stay-at-home mom.
- She would have better opportunities for education (they've already started saving for her college!)
 - She would have opportunities to travel.
- She would be loved unconditionally by people who wanted and loved her before she was even born.

I called Graceful Adoptions and had several conversations with Karen. She took the time to really listen to what I wanted. I had a semi-open adoption with my birth mom, I knew who she was, had a heartfelt letter from her and a necklace. I met her and the rest of my biological family when I turned 18 and I cherish the amazing relationship I now have with her and the rest of my family. As much of a wonderful experience as it was, I didn't want my daughter to ever feel abandoned or unloved. I wanted her to know me, to know why I chose adoption for her and to always be able to reach out if she ever had a question. I told Karen ideally I wanted an open adoption with regular updates and annual visits.

She took all the information I gave her and sent me several profiles of families. My boyfriend and I looked at them separately and came to the same agreement on the couple we would like to talk to. I was nervous when I interviewed one of the couples on the phone, they were perfect. There wasn't a single question they answered that made me pause for concern. They were funny, quirky and answered the questions in the exact way I would have. It showed me that Graceful Adoptions really listens to what you are looking for and takes the time to find the best match. I don't say all of this to try to persuade anyone to use Graceful Adoptions, but I hope they set a standard of care that you should expect to receive from whomever you choose to place with.

 The couple we chose flew out to D.C. a few weeks later. I met them for dinner the first night then we had lunch and walked around an artist gallery the next day. They met my family the third day and at that point they felt like family too. During the pregnancy and through each step I had the support of Graceful Adoptions, their counseling services and legal advice. They handled so many things that would have just overwhelmed me. I was working full-time, going to endless doctor’s appointments and navigating my way through the adoption process while dealing with the end of a three year on-again off-again relationship and family medical emergencies. It was such a relief to have such a wonderful team of people to reach out to.

We established a communications plan for the future, I filled out documents so that my daughter would have as much medical and social history about me as possible, we even put together a hospital plan. There were so many things mentally and physically Graceful Adoptions helped prepare me for. I will forever cherish the time I got to spend with my daughter and her adoptive parents in the hospital. I had the opportunity to watch them fall in love deeply and instantly. They helped me through my C-section recovery, they would care for our daughter while I was sleeping or eating but also gave me time alone with her. We exchanged gifts and I gave them a letter expressing my hopes and dreams for them as a family.

Putting my daughter in the car seat to go home with them was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I knew she was always meant to be theirs, they were an answer to a prayer. I had an opportunity to have dinner with my daughter and her parents before they flew back home. It was wonderful to get to see them as a family. They high-five before diaper changes and her dad sings to her the names of all the people who love her. It's a wonderfully long song.

We set up a private Facebook page to exchange photos and share updates. I can't wait until our first visit. I miss my daughter terribly, but I would have never been able to provide the life and love she has with her parents.

I had an interesting conversation with Karen, the founder of Graceful Adoptions while I was in the hospital. Because my adoption was such a positive experience I had no doubts I was providing the best life for my daughter possible. Statistically, most adopted children born in the mid-80's and earlier don't choose adoption for their own children because they had such negative experiences.

 I hope that my daughter will never be put in a similar situation, but I love that she and I will be able to connect on a level only adoptees understand. We are a legacy of adoption.