Laura is part of my family, she knows them well and they love her. She is family. She called me just about every morning just to let me process my thoughts, share my fears and tell me about her own experiences when her son was born. She and her family PCS'd (military acronym for Permanent Change of Station... aka they moved) to Arizona while I was going through all of that and she was still there for me. I know it has been really hard for her not being able to physically be here for it all.
She was heart broken over not being able to meet my daughter and be there for me at the hospital. It can be very emotionally draining to support someone going through this process. Not only did she support me but she was there to listen to my sister and mom and help them through their own fears. She's got the biggest heart of anyone I know, she is raising her nephew until her sister is in a better place to be able to parent. She's also got one of the hardest jobs I know. She's a stay at home mom who takes amazing care of two little boys, is a military spouse and volunteers at homeless shelter. I asked her some really tough questions about what it was like to be raised by a single mother, what it was like not to have a dad around growing up. There's not one thing I would change about Laura, but I wish I could have changed her memories that caused so much pain.
This photo was taken more than 12 years ago.
This is us on Oct. 16, 2015. Six weeks after I had my daughter.
I'm not sure what I did to deserve having such wonderful people in my life.
I also would not have been able to survive without Sarah. We met a few years ago through a running/drinking club. We sat next to eachother at a Medevil Times event, and a great friendship was started over some meade and a night out dancing shortly after. We're fierce supporters of each other and have been there for each other when things are hard without judgment.
She helped me get through a lot of panic and questions. She reminded me to make decisions from a place of love, not fear. She was in the hospital waiting room with my dad and sister the day my daughter was born. Sarah brings a warm energy, a quick wit and loving words that can diffuse any emotionally heightened situation.
My daughter's parents brought my daughter over for dinner before they headed home and I didn't want to be an emotional mess the way I was at the hospital. Sarah provided me a really good emotional buffer so I wouldn't dwell in thoughts and feelings of sadness. She also has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. She took in her brother's kids from really horrible situations, adopted them and her daughter from her husband's previous marriage. She helped me understand that whether or not I kept my daughter, my baby is going to grow up in a world that is not perfect and I couldn't protect her from everything, whether she was with me or not.
First night really hanging out, we've never looked prettier!
A night out dancing.
Sarah holding my daughter the day she was born :)
In addition to Laura and Sarah, I've been blessed to have such a close friendship with my roomate from college, Jaclyn. We were pregnant at the same time.
I had a million questions..
What the heck is with this glucose test?
Why don't I need the Rh factor shot?
What's the bacteria they check for?
Why do I need to go to the doctor so often?
What is the best prenatal vitamin?
What is this pain?
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT DOES NOT GIVE ANY PAID MATERNITY LEAVE?
What does a Braxton Hicks contraction feel like?
Do you have this pain?
What the heck is lightning crotch?
Why do I feel like I am being shocked?
Why do people not tell us these things?!?
....and the list goes on. We were insomnia buddies having those conversations at 3 a.m. I was hesitant to tell her I was pregnant at first because she has had a very difficult pregnancy and getting pregnant was hard enough.. and here I am tada! 32 weeks pregnant and never had morning sickness, didn't restrict my physical activity and no difficulties with the pregnancy (I was out on my motorcycle at 31 weeks and out on boats at 32 weeks).
She and her husband really wanted a baby and they have been going through hell. I had an easy pregnancy and chose to place my daughter for adoption. I didn't want her to feel bad that something she wanted so badly had come so easily to me without any effort. She didn't want me to feel bad that she had a wonderful and supportive husband and family who wouldn't have to go through hard choices and the emotions of grief that comes with adoption.
There was no such thing as too much information between us. We were each other's sounding boards, shared "my mother is being crazy" stories, doctors appointments updates and I constantly asked for her opinion on things. I went to her baby shower two weeks after I gave birth. That probably sounds like a bad idea, but despite a few moments of sadness, I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I wanted to be a part of the love and support for her and her husband's new baby girl. My mom put it best, our paths are very different but both situations and emotionally charged. I think it says a lot about us as people to be able to support the other while going through our own drastic ups and downs.
Pregnant at the same time :)
At a Third Eye Blind Concert together :)
My sister was also a huge help. She'd check in on me often. She really surprised everyone, I think most of all herself about how much the decision of adoption affected her. She LOVES kids and loved the idea of being a very involved aunt. She spent as much time as she could at the hospital with us and gave my daughter a really beautiful gift of Cat in the Hat books, large stuffed animal and a book on acceptance.
Katie and I at one of my Halloween Parties
Katie and I apple picking.
My sister holding my daughter for the first time :)
My parents of course played a huge role in all of this, but that topic deserves its own blog post.
I also reached out to my boss and co-workers. I had just started my promotion to a new military organization in May and was asking for Maternity leave by August. I was worried they would think I hid the pregnancy from them during my interview. If anyone ever did think that, they never shared it with me and I received nothing but the most amazing support to take care of myself and my daughter. I was really blessed to be working with them. They asked to see sonogram photos, would always ask how I was doing and they were so wonderfully receptive and open to my decision of adoption. They even came to visit me in the hospital to bring flowers the day she was born. I don't know how I can ever repay them for their kindness.
Some very weird and unexpected things happen when you start to tell people you are pregnant and have chosen to place your daughter for adoption. My family and I were approached by friends, co-workers and acquaintances who shared their stories of infertility and the desire to adopt. I couldn't believe the amount of pain friends were going through and facing alone and in silence. I couldn't offer them more than someone to listen to and be transparent about my own situation.
I heard from people I hadn't talked to in years and people I had never heard from before. I had an opportunity to repair and rebuild relationships and even start new ones. To those I heard from to those who offered their own stories and who prayed for me, I can't thank you enough.
Did everyone agree with my decision? Absolutely not. My grandfather's wife shared with my parents their thoughts on how adoption is unnatural and that if you become pregnant that means God wants you to have that child. They were quickly reminded my grandfather's second daughter was adopted and that I was as well. They said they couldn't be at the hospital, that it would be too hard. I didn't need them to agree with my choice, it was mine to make. Others openly shared their opinions. They were supportive yet it was hard to hear from people on what a great mother I would be. My mom had even said that to me. It probably seemed like a cold response at the time, but I told her I could be a fantastic mom, but I would hate what I would have to become to be the kind of mother my daughter deserved.
My decision impacted so many more people than just myself, my daughter and her parents.
Without community support, birth parents are handicapped in their ability to resolve their decision and to constructively rebuild their lives. I never realized for some family members of a birth parent, the loss of a child through adoption compares to the loss of a child through death. In closed adoptions, family members often say goodbye to a baby in the same moments they hold and welcome that child into the world for the first time. The placement of a child might mean the loss of grandchild they will never know. This goes back to why finding an adoption organization who offers life time counseling to not just you but your family and friends is so important.
One important thing to note.. I mentioned having several friends and family members who did not agree with my decision but they supported me because they love me. Knowing I could provide them what they wanted (to be a grandparent, to be an aunt, to be a parent) was difficult. I had the ability to make someone's dreams come true, but to do that would have been at my own expense, and my daughter's. I told several people I didn't need their support because I knew without a doubt I was making the right choice. Don't let anyone decide for you.
So I had decided on adoption and an agency, now....how the heck do you decide who will be the parents to your child?
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