I feel proud of my body, I had a C-section Thursday morning and was ready to go home by Saturday morning.
The nurses came in and gave Macii and Tom and whole list of "here is everything that could go wrong with the baby." It was overwhelming and I wasn't even the one taking her home.The nurse went over what each rash meant, which ones you could treat, which ones you call the pediatrician for and which ones would require 9-1-1. She also told us what the soft bump on the top of her head meant if it was inflated or deflated. She told us all about what the baby could do to accidentally die and things we might do that may lead to an accidental death. As if being a new parents wasn't already scary enough.
Then she gave me a talk about taking care of myself. Bleed for six more weeks. If you bleed golf ball size clots get to the emergency room, I could bleed out. BLEED OUT she repeated. No lifting. Stairs only once a day (but if I go up, I need to come back down!). Pick up medication prescription on the way home. Come back in two weeks for a check up and then come back at the six week post-op.
It was a lot of commotion. Macii and Tom moved into my room, the hospital needed their room for something. Karen arrived and I signed a bunch of paperwork. She helped me with the $12 check to social security to get cards and birth certificates. I recommend ordering two sets of everything. It's supposed to work where you get a copy of everything and the adopting parents get a copy, but Macii and Tom didn't receive anything so I was able to send them what I got. (Another win for open adoption!)
My parents arrived and the hospital social worker was in and out of the room. OK.. I understand that you don't handle very many adoptions but you KNEW we would be there and this would be happening. Have your paperwork together! If Karen hadn't been there to hold her hand through the process, I feel like we would all be in that hospital still.
We had discussed the transition point would be me putting BB in her car seat and we would all leave together. Macii and Tom had selected a gorgeous sail boat dress and sweater for her to leave the hospital in. Sailing is a big deal in my family. It meant so much to me that they considered our family during a very personal moment for them.
The time came to put BB in the carseat and I just started to cry. I cry thinking about it now. I tried to hold it in because I didn't want anyone to think I had changed my mind. I hadn't changed my mind, I just was not ready to let go of this tiny person who changed the entire trajectory of things most important to me. This list used to be:
1. God
2. Me. Me! Me! Me!
3. Family
4. Friends
The list is now
1. God
2. BB
3. Does she have everything she needs from me? Is she happy? Should I be doing more? Am I doing to much?
4. Me - if #2 and #3 are answered for first
5. family
6. friends
It wasn't just any cry with tears silently falling. It was a hyperventilating snot snorting crying. I think I had to step away because I couldn't figure out the car seat through all the tears.
You know what else is ridiculous? I had been walking all over that hospital floor to get juice, snacks, water, ice.. you name it. Why do I need to be wheeled out in a wheel chair? Legalities i'm sure. We all fit in the elevator together on the way down and the nurse told me it was a brave thing I was doing.
I haven't felt like I've deserved that title for a second. It was doing the right thing, the best thing for her. Through a conversation with a friend lately, she told me people said I took the easy way out. To that I say to them.. take the one thing you love most in the world and hand it over for someone else to love and protect and not have any control over what happens, once you hand your heart over.. then you can tell me that it's easy, but you won't because it will be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life.
It was Saturday of a Holiday weekend and knowing that Macii and Tom would be stuck in town in a hotel with a newborn we offered to host a BBQ Monday evening, and I was so relieved they accepted.
I held BB's foot, told her I loved her and that I would see her soon.
My mom embraced me and Karen hugged me goodbye. I sat in the passenger seat of my dad's Prius, my mom followed in hers and Tom and Macii went their way.
We stopped at CVS on the way home to get my meds. While we were waiting we walked next door to the pool store to get some things for the hottub. I will never forget the moment when I placed my hand over my belly like it was second nature, but this time I realized there was no longer a baby there. Just emptiness.
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