Recovering at Home

I had been warned that hormones will make you feel crazy.

I cried at everything. I cried when I was happy, I cried when I was sad, I cried when I was content.

I was irritated that my family went back to work and left me with silence, I was irritated when they were around that I didn't get to have that silence, I was mad when they wanted to talk about how I was feeling, I was mad when they wouldn't ask me how I was feeling, I tried to keep it all in and I think it only really came out during one argument with my mom.

I cried when a Cubs player stole 3rd base against the Cardinals.

If I had not been warned, I think I probably would have taken myself to a psychiatric hospital.

My life has always been in constant motion, but the previous two months were in warp speed. 

I had:

- Doctors Appointments
- Counseling Appointments
- Legal Appointments
- Adoption appointments over paperwork, preferences and how I was doing
- I moved all my stuff into storage and moved home two weeks before I was due (Thank you to my wonderful friends who came out to help, my sister, my dad, my neighbor Max and Josh for riding my Harley back when I was unable to.)
- Working full time

I didn't have time to be sad or mad, I had things to do damn it!

I went from that to my daughter's birth, I was busy healing and taking care of her with Macii and Tom. I had gotten used to having BB in my routine.

Then there I was in a silent room. No check lists, no appointments, no work, just silence. I had a hard time adjusting to BB not being there the first couple of days. Thank God for Macii and Tom, they text photos and would tell me funny stories, I would be seeing them soon. 

... but damn that silence and solitude. I don't even have a word to properly describe it..querulous? no. sullen? no.  I can't describe it, but I never want to experience that again.