You hurt the ones you love most.

I don't share this story with many, it feels embarrassing and something I'm not proud of, but I overcame it.

Mom.

The word is sacred. The word is for the one who changes diapers, bathes, sings-to, gives bottles, soothes tears and plays game with their child. 

I've always had a way of hurting the people who love me unconditionally, is it because I subconsciously know they are stuck with me or because of some deep rooted trauma from being an adoptee and feel like I am unlovable and deserved to be placed. (I don't think that on a conscious level.)

The words came exploding from my mouth. "You are NOT my REAL mom!" If there was ever a sentence I wish I could take back, it would be that one. I'm pretty sure that's when I packed up my Little Mermaid suitcase and ran away. I didn't get far, it was raining and I hid behind the garbage can next to the house. I couldn't have been more than five years old.

I had a horrific temper, there were many days I would refuse to go to school and developed severe separation anxiety in elementary and middle school. It's a bit hard to separate it all.. was it due to my dad's deployments? I was and still am 100% daddy's girl. Was it due to being adopted? Was it genetic? Was it my environment? Was it due to hormones being out of balance during puberty? It's probably a combination of them all.

It had gotten to the point where my mom would have to physically drag me in to school and sit in the counselor's office every day to ensure I went to class and as a safety net for me.

It got the point where my dad had to remove my doors and they looked at inpatient psych wards. It was too much. My parents selected a school called American Day. It provided structured, personalized, clinically intensive partial hospitalization programs and intensive outpatient programs for individuals 14 years and above with psychiatric and emotional disorders. The group therapy programs are designed to serve those who need the structure and intensity found in inpatient psychiatric programs but who do not require 24-hour inpatient care. Basically I would be picked up in the morning, receive counseling along with regular classes and do my work from my regular school and then be dropped off at home.

I was 14. I remember crying for the first couple of days and being the youngest. A van would pick me up each morning. It was embarrassing to pass my friends in the van as they waited for a school bus. The boy on the van had a pet monkey. It's funny the things you remember. My family actually regrets that decision, I made friends with older kids who had a lot of disorders and drug habits.

I'm not sure what changed, but by the next year I rejoined my middle school classes and things went back to normal for the most part. I was taught about panic attacks, how to change thought patterns and relaxation techniques.

These days, I can't even relate to those emotions, I don't know that person who did those things.

Did this all stem from being adopted? "For me, being adopted was normal. knowing I was adopted was as natural as having a belly button. It was just always there." - Madeline Melcher. I've always loved being adopted, being a little bit different, having my own thing.

Do adopted kids sometimes grow up and do horrible thing? Yep. You know who else grows up and does horrible things? Non-adopted kids.But, i've been reading a lot of research about the separation of child from her birth mother. That is is a traumatic event that deeply impacts the adoptee, creating special needs that must be addressed throughout the adoptee’s life.

I learned there are two ways adoptees act out. One is compliant and one is rebellious. Some who act out will go to the extreme of running away from home, threatening their adoptive parents, rebel academically and even attempt suicide. A 2001 study shows that of teens in grades 7 through 12, 7.6% of adopted teens had attempted suicide compared with 3% among their non-adopted peers.

I never got to that point, but I understand getting to that point. I also bounced between compliant and rebellious. 

"The adopted child who acts out, is, in essence, attempting to initiate some form of rejection from parents, teachers, peers and others in order to prove that she is unlovable or she finds herself rejecting these same people prior to being rejected by them. This type of child is obviously troubled and it is easy to identify as needing help. However, parents and therapists often try to counsel the child into acting more appropriately, instilling tough love or even unknowingly furthering the child’s abandonment issues by sending them to boarding school, camp or other such institutions." - The Psychology of Adoption Trauma and the Primal Wound 

Sounds familiar huh?

"For the compliant child the situation can actually be much more devastating. As a compliant child who is either not causing problems or actually well engaged and visibly successful, she is not seen as having any problems at all. Parents see this child as well adjusted to life, including being adopted, and with no outwardly troubling signs of concern, this child is often overlooked and not given any form of counseling or assistance in dealing with life or emotional wounds. It is difficult for anyone to see that the child who is often referred to as, “mature for her age” or “pleasant and articulate,” is actually in equal distress to the child who is acting out. Both are hurting, both are devastated by the trauma of relinquishment and both have no way to articulate, understand, contextualize or grieve the loss they have endured." Adoptee View: What Can a Tiny Baby Know?

Continued from that blog:
"These two behavior types present themselves at various ages, though adolescence is the most common time for them to reach their strongest levels. Additionally, some may actually experience both behavior types, switching from one to the other depending on their environment or transition back and forth throughout maturity. Also noteworthy is that no matter the age of adoption, infant through teen, all adoptees essentially suffer from the same issues."

I feel for the author.. is it just dismissing responsibility of my actions and blaming it on being adopted? Would this have happened had I not been adopted?

I don't know the answer to that, but it's something others who are part of the adoption process can be aware of, whether a birth mom, adoptee or adoptive parent.

In my letter to Macii and Tom, a lot of the things I wrote to them were to help them expect some things that may happen that are not so pleasant, but if it does happen that BB can come out on the other side of it a wonderful and fully functioning adult.

These things also affected my choices in adoption, maybe in being more open we can prevent BB from going through some of the hard times I did, maybe we won't. I'll let you know how it turns out. I can only talk from my experience and the research that resonates with me.

If you have a story you would like to share, please feel free to contact me at Jacqueline.Leeker@gmail.com, with your permission, I'd love to share as many stories as possible and not only educate but help each other through adoption, something I consider a wonderful and beautiful thing. Is it perfect? No. Is it worth it? More than you could ever imagine.

Arizona.

 

(Landing at O'hare for a layover, check out Chicago's skyline) 

 This is another older post. Week six post- delivery I headed off to Arizona. Laura has been my friend longer than anyone else, she's family. Her husband was recently given orders to be stationed in Tucson, Arizona, on Davis-Monthan Air Force Base. I recommend each of you should take a trip out there to see the boneyard.. you won't regret it! The boneyard has more than 4,400 aircraft, which makes it the largest aircraft storage and preservation facility in the world.They even give public tours.

(another window seat photo from the plane)

 Laura had helped me through a lot during my pregnancy and never sugar coated anything. It was weird for her knowing I had been pregnant and given birth to a beautiful girl, yet here I was standing in front of her, no preggo belly and no baby, like nothing had happened. I had nothing to show for my experiences other than a C-section scar no thicker than a pencil line. 

Being around her and her family has always been very healing for me. We rock out to music and talk about old times. I get to laugh and cuddle with her five year old son Corbin and her five year old nephew Christian.  In her own way, she's adopted Christian into their lives to help give him everything he needs right now when his mom isn't in a place to be able to do that right now.

There were a few moments where Christian would reach for my hand or curl up to read a book and I thought about how I was going to miss out on those experiences with BB. I read those boys so many books one evening that my voice went hoarse. I loved it. It was also magical because it's rare to have two five-year old boys sit still at the same time for any amount of time let alone more than an hour or two.

Even through the moments of sadness I've never regretted my choice or questioned it.

 Christian touring the boneyard :)

 Out hiking in the Sonoran Desert. 

 Hiking up to Seven Falls

 

Can you see the teeny tiny people for reference? 

Being out in the Desert was incredibly peaceful and healing. 

 At the Botanical Gardens in Tucson. The boys took this picture without cutting our heads off... haha!

 Corbin and I rocking our sunglasses. 

It was a sad flight home. I already missed the mountain views in any direction you would look and the wide open sky. I already missed my friend and her sweet family. I flew home with a beautiful blanket Laura crocheted for BB. I also lucked out having the middle seat open. 

I cracked open my book, "Dear Birth Mother, Thank You for our Baby," and let the tears stream down my face as something I read resonated to my core. I doubt the waves of sadness will ever go completely away but I welcome those moments now. Next up: my return to work! *dun dun dun!*

An Adoption Expo and Hiking Big Schloss

My biggest news is I was asked to speak at The Adoption and Foster Care Expo at Carnegie Library in Washington D.C. on Dec. 5 from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.

I'll be participating in all three parent cafe sessions which give prospective parents the opportunity to meet foster, adoptive and birth parents. Karen is getting me hooked up with some business cards with this blog linked to it and a name tag stating i'm a birth mom. I'm really excited to share my experience as a birth mom and adoptee, hopefully I can provide some different perspectives.

I also feel very grateful that I can stay in touch with Karen, I consider her a really good friend of mine and this event will give me an opportunity to see her and my lawyer. He's facilitating a session on exploring the Adoption Options: A Legal Overview.

I kind of wish I had built some time into my schedule to sit in on some of the workshops, but I feel I can be the most helpful at the Parent Cafe. It covers everything from Adoption/Foster Care resources, Domestic Infant Adoption, Foster Parenting, International Adoption, LGBTQ Adoption, Older Child Adoption and Transracial Adoption.

Karen and I were texting about this event  throughout the day yesterday (Veterans Day) while I was out hiking and off-roading in the Jeep with Sarah. I was telling Sarah all about it and we discussed how not everyone's experience is as smooth as mine has been, to make sure to highlight the difficult things just as much as the joys. I'll write a future post about some of the harder experiences my family and I have gone through when I was growing up in a later post.

Here are some photos of our hike up Big Schloss. It's a steep 2 miles up and a steep 2 miles down. I'm certainly not in the shape I have been and needed a couple of breaks, but it was also my first time out with my new pack with some weight in it. The views were incredible and the company was even better. A few photos from our trip:

 Waiting in the Jeep for Sarah, puppy snuggles!

 A girl and her GIANT dog. :)

 Testing out my new pack. 

 

Max, Mook and Sarah on a bit of a rock scramble.  

 One of my favorite photos of Sarah :)

Water Break. They are hoping I have cheese for them.

 Off-Roading at Taskers Gap and Peters Mill.

I was telling Sarah about some stories I heard and articles I had read about some birth moms not being able to cope quite as well. It made me wonder if I was coping too well. That may sound dumb, but really.. should I be a bit more of a mess? I just keep telling myself there is no "standard" on how to react. Every single person has a different experience and every situation is different and each warrants their own response, and each is valid.

Sarah and I did talk about how different our day would have been had I made the choice to keep BB. It wouldn't be better or worse, just different. We would not have been out hiking and off-roading that's for sure!

I also realized I can tell a couple of stories about Dutch without feeling angry anymore. I told Sarah the story of how I backed into a car and how mortified I was that he was in the car and how he was kind enough not to tell our friends that night, but we could laugh over the looks we gave each other, and how mad I was when someone text me a anonymous photo with an old co-worker of mine on the back of his motorcycle. Thinking about the watch still makes me angry.

A friend who works with Dutch asked me if I regretted choosing adoption and asked if the question was too personal. No question is too personal, and "no," I replied. I have not regretted my decision for one moment. Sure, I get sad from missing out on certain things, but there is no regret, especially when I see the amazing photos of BB smiling and being loved and adored. 

Macii sent me a text on Tuesday night with photos of BB, telling me how BB thinks monkeys are hilarious (Sarah and I agree- she's smart because monkeys ARE hilarious!) Macii also told me how she and Tom sat down and talked to some prospective adoptive parents and how it was interesting, like looking into a mirror a year and a half ago. I love that they are helping others too!

I sent them a second care package for Thanksgiving, I won't post the contents though until it has arrived because it has some really neat surprises in it :) I need to ask Macii if they mind if I post a couple of my favorite photos of BB, I always want to make sure I'm being respectful of their privacy.

I hope to see you all at the expo!

Oh! oh! oh! by the way.. Sarah has her own blog that highlights her incredible sense of humor and touches on her struggle with depression. I highly recommend checking it out: http://thedepressedhiker.blogspot.com/

A new normal

(I wrote this about a month before posting it) 

It’s been one month since BB was born. I’m in a weird place… this major life-changing thing happened to me. I don’t want to move on and just have everything go back to the exact same way it was, yet that decision affords me the ability to move forward with things resuming as normal as possible.

I decided I would take some time to repair and rebuild myself and important relationships in my life. I drove 13 hours to St. Louis with my Bullmastiff in the back of the Jeep.

 (Max and I on our routine morning walk in STL)

I’m staying in my family’s condo. The space from them is really nice. The quiet gets a little difficult at times. I asked Sarah.. How do I know if I’m dealing with this in a healthy way? How do I know I’m not avoiding everything that just happened? The quiet here is good. I can let emotions wash over me and almost bathe in them on the days I have to myself but I can also go out and be a part of nature on long walks and spend time with my family and friends and not dwell on things.

My grandpa was on death’s door not too long ago so I wanted to make sure I got to spend some time with him. I saw him on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. He knew who I was. He called me niece, but that was close enough. He knew I am his son’s daughter, so he may just have not had the words.

 (Gpa Rich and I)

While getting ready to go out and play in the city, I found some good quotes I related to:

“We are torn between nostalgia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange. As often as not, we are homesick most for the places we have never known.”

“Note to self: you do not have to adjust your boundaries to fit the expectations of others. You do not have to make yourself small or quiet or compliant. You can stay right were you are, in the space that is and has been you from birth. Let them go around your. Let them try to go through you. Let them hurl themselves against your rocky, obdurate truth. If your jagged edges cut, let them remember respect.”

Some photos from my St. Louis trip:

(The Arch: Gateway to the West)

 (Creve Coeur Lake)

(Claustrophobic? Afraid of heights? If yes, DO NOT GO UP!)

(Running tables with Joe, aka him letting me *try* to make the easier shots)

After my return from St. Louis I had my last doctors appointment. That two week and 6 week post-op appointments were kind of a joke. I get the two week appointment is supposed to check to see if you are healing OK. I also had the tape removed from my incision. The six-week was just a check to see if my organs are all back where they should be and to have a discussion about birth control. Well.. It won’t be the shot! I’m looking at the implant, which is good for three years or a more permanent solution with essure.

I sent BB her first care package. I also received two copies of her birth certificate and one social security card. I sent the social security card and birth certificate to Macii and Tom in the package. I included a really pretty and beautifully smelling candle for Macii and Tom, just something warm from our family to theirs.

 (This giraffe is apparently a "thing." I didn't believe the lady until I ran into a mom at Target who's newborn LOVED it.)

(A cute little Halloween book)

 (Super cute owl costume)

 (wherever you are, my love will find you)

 (This owl was to adorable, I couldn't resist)

 (In a letter I asked Macii and Tom if they would mind taking a few photos of BB in the costumes I sent. I thought she would look adorable in them! I had no desire to dictate what she would be for Halloween, I couldn't wait to see what they chose for her though!)

 

I got back on a Wednesday and by Friday night I was attending one of my favorite events in DC over Columbus Day Weekend called the DC Red Dress Run. There was a themed masquerade trail on Friday night. I dressed up like batman in running shoes.

 (Batgirl for Charity)

The party was a blast. We are a drinking club with a running problem. It was great to see friends, many of them asked about BB and I proudly showed them pictures. I really appreciated the meaningful hugs and people caring about how I am really and truly.

 (I was Batman for Friday night's run, and Robin for Saturday's run)

As wonderful as it felt to be back with my friends, I felt guilty. Would people think I placed my daughter for adoption so that I could go out to drink and run and not have as much responsibility? I realized I didn’t care what others would think except for BB and she’ll know those were not my reasons at all.

Saturday I showed up at the Park at 14^th Street with 600 of my closest friends and we ran all over DC in red dresses for charity. A portion of the proceeds went to the Yellow Ribbon Fund. Again, I received a lot of hugs and support from friends. I had an amazing time skipping around DC in a red tutu and Robin costume and later dancing with friends.

 (With my wonderful friend Jess during Red Dress Run)

It still feels like I am in this weird in-between place. Giving birth to my daughter made me a birth mom, but choosing adoption means I don’t have the responsibilities of a mother. I think of BB, Macii and Tom every day. I wonder how they are doing.

Next up: Spending my last week of Maternity Leave in Arizona :)

For my father.

I have always had a really close relationship with my dad. He's just one of those good people, down to the bone, to his very soul kind of good person. We sing in our church choir together when I attend.  I've never in my 30 years of existence seen him put himself before anyone else.

 (Dad holding a baby sea turtle)

I certainly can't say that about myself. Can you?

I think his pecking order of importance would go:
1. God
2. Family
3. Country

Although, throughout his military career I would argue that country came before family more often than not for more than 20 years. 

 (Dad :) 

I will never know how my mom raised two kids, took care of the house and pets and played the role of two parents during his deployments. It boggles my mind.

His military career provided everything we needed. Those military values and my parent's values  shaped the person I am today. How many little kids throw a temper tantrum and then sit on their dad's lap to have a conversation about what integrity is and how to have it?

He's one of the smartest people I know. He's a Nuclear Engineer. The man can remember what page he wrote an equation on from a Naval Academy Book he hadn't seen since 1979. In laymen terms, he and his team invent things to save the Navy money. People have told him to sell his patents and become rich. No, they belonged to the government he said. This is just a small example of the level of intelligence and integrity this man has. He's also a smart ass with a great sense of humor. He is in his element when he wears a Life is Good Shirt dancing around his sail boat with a beer in his hand trimming the sails. He's a wonderful example of how a man should treat and love his partner. If I end up with half the amount of love they have in a relationship,  I'd be happy for life.

When I told my mom about being pregnant she asked if I wanted to keep it between us, have me tell my dad or her to tell my dad. I told her it was too much to ever keep a secret but I asked her to tell him. I was afraid he would be disappointed and I wasn't in a place I could shoulder that. He had been battling a rare cancer since December and recently completed radiation at the time. I didn't want to add stress to everything he was going through.

 (Dad and I in Belize, sailing and snorkeling at second largest barrier reef)

If he was disappointed, he didn't show it. The second week after finding out, my mom went out of town on a conference. She was not as available to talk and ask for updates. My Dad called me every single night during the week she was gone and had me over for dinner twice.

He calls his mom and my aunt every evening at 6:30 p.m. My aunt had been diagnosed with a horrible cancer caused by second hand smoke and my grandfather's dementia was getting worse by the day and needed to be moved into assisted living. They didn't think he would be living longer than a month. My dad would send flowers when they had rough days and he talked to my grandfather to shoulder the guilt of telling him he would be living somewhere else.

It meant a lot my dad made an effort to call me every night that week. He made it clear he and my mom were willing to do anything and everything to help me keep BB. He was a bit pushy but I think that was because he too wanted nothing more than to be a grandfather. Before I had made my decision I told him how raw and emotionally sad I felt about my daughter not having a father in her life. 

(Dad. Mom. Aunt Jan at Faust Park in St. Louis)

She wouldn't have someone to coach her softball games like he did mine. She wouldn't have someone to put Barbie's head back on when her sister's Ninja Turtles decapitated Barbie Land. He did that for me.  She wouldn't have a father figure to teach her how to drive a manual, work on cars or fix breakfast.  (of course single parents can do all these things, but you see where I'm going with this). He said it was no problem, he would be there.

No doubt he would have been there, probably even more so for my daughter than he was for me (and im not saying that in a jealous way), but again.... that wasn't what was best for my daughter. I wanted her to have it all. To grow up around a couple who loved each other, to have both parents. He stopped pushing as soon as I made up my mind. It was heart breaking to make a choice he didn't agree with.

I need to tell him I really appreciated him for not pushing me after that, for never making it about him and in general for making my life easier.

Dad stuck up for me when my grandfather and his wife on my mom's side said adoption was unnatural and I should keep her. My mom's sister is adopted. I am adopted. Did they forget that? They had no problem saying their daughter should place her girls for adoption because she couldn't care for them. Yet it was wrong when it was my decision?

The family had come over for a birthday meal and my dad said if they made me uncomfortable or if they said God was against adoption, he would ask my Grandfather's wife.. who made you God? It doesn't seem like much, but it's quite snarky coming from him.

I invited those grandparents to the hospital to meet her, they said it would be too difficult. Not meeting her is completely their own loss.

My dad missed a lot of sailing weekends to help me move and take me to the hospital. If I went into labor in my studio apartment I was alone, except for my Bullmastiff Max, who probably would have napped through the entire experience. I would not recommend moving in the month of July two weeks before your due date. It is hot and miserable!

(My dad in his happy place! Sailing.)

Having the Facebook Group for my daughter really helps my Dad because I can text him pictures and he can proudly show coworkers when they ask. Again, he may not be in BB's life the way he wants, but she makes him a grandpa and he will get to see her with me once a year.

(My dad holding BB :)

To the mama....

It was pointed out to me that my blog does not paint my mom in the best light so far. (Sorry mom!) I don't think she has read the blog yet, but she knows it exists.

She was the first person I told about being pregnant and was there with me holding my hand during my C-section. She was the first to hold BB.

 (My mom introducing me to my daughter minutes after she was born.)

Prior to that, in her mind she wasn't going to be a grandparent and had come to terms with that. My sister is a lesbian and I was career minded. Being pregnant opened a door of possibilities to be a grandmother. I don't think she realized how much she wanted it until it became an option.

She offered to retire early to help me raise BB. She and my dad even offered to take guardianship of my daughter so that I could still travel and work. I could have asked for anything to make it work and I can say with a good amount of certainly, they would have made it happen. I couldn't take away their retirement, they worked so incredibly hard to get where they are. They were three years away from being able to sail around the world or just stay at home, to do whatever they pleased.

 (My parents on their boat. Who took that amazing photo? *brushes shoulders off*)

 It also wasn't realistic because there is no way I could let them do that without taking all the responsibility. I would be the one getting up with her at night, to feed her, to burp her, to change her and to teach her. I couldn't just give up my responsibilities and choose to be around when it suited me best. What kind of parent does that?

I was sitting on a bench in D.C. waiting for a dear friend of mine to go see Book of Mormon when my mother called to tell me she just wanted to make sure she made every offer possible to help me keep BB just in case I wasn't sure so that I wouldn't change my mind.

It is really really really hard to deny someone a dream that you could fulfill. It is also difficult to go against what your parents want for you. They did not agree with my decision. I didn't need them too. I felt they were romanticizing what it would be like and I would be left with the reality.
I wouldn't be able to be committed to BB while working to support us and I couldn't be committed to work because I would be worrying about my daughter. That is not a life I wanted for her or me.

(In Annapolis after wandering around the Naval Academy.)

I love my mom for offering all of those alternatives. We have had some knock down dragged out ugly battles, but there is no one I respect more. She told me a while back, "I AM AWESOME!" I told her she is Awesome 99% of the time but that 1% is a doozy. She accepted that graciously with a smile.

She was a stay at home mom and raised my sister and I through my dad's deployments, TDY's, moves, broken hearts and laughter. She went back to college when we got older and is now an assistant dean for the English Department at a community college. She has shown me that you can have it all, just not all at the same time. She came from a background that was at times very violent, yet was able to rise from that and become a complete success. We are both incredibly stubborn and snarky which is probably why we butt heads sometimes. She is also hilarious, with or without a few glasses of wine in her.

 (No wine in this photo. Mom? Still hilarious!)

I'm sorry that I wasn't in a place where I could give my mom what she wanted. I told her several times how she never expected to be a grandmother but just by BB's birth she is by definition a grandmother, and although she won't get to be around BB as much as she would like, it's a lot more than she thought was ever possible. 

(Side note- I also really appreciate the friends she had lunch with who told her it wasn't all sunshine and roses like Facebook shows. It was stress and temper tantrums and messy. Lynn ~ Thank you. I think that really helped her to hear that.)

I'm still working through some feelings where I felt she made the experience much more about her than me, but she had a lot of baggage from when she was trying to adopt a baby. I forgive really easy because I have no room to carry that around.

(My mom with her furbaby. Henry - one spoiled rotten baby bull terrier.)

I think a lot of women presented with choices are forced to choose adoption because they don't have support. I never had to experience that, I had the opposite problem. As thankful as I am for her support through this, I also love her for relating to Macii and Tom, for adoring them and asking about how they are doing and caring for them. She has adopted them into our family. If I had changed my mind at the hospital she would have been really mad at me for putting Tom and Macii through that. It sounds odd, but I'm glad because that means she truly and deeply cares for them. She's also able to relate to them on a level I never will.

 I don't want to rush time, but I am looking forward to see what kind of relationship BB has with my mom when she gets older. I hope it's similar to one loving and supportive relationship I have with my grandmother on my dad's side of the family. I didn't get to see my grandparents often at all due to my dad's military career, but love spans time.

(My dad, me, mom and my grandmother Jerry (on my dad's side)

I was going to include my dad in this post, but I'll dedicate the next one to him. He most certainly deserves his own post, but this one is for my mom. Thank you for being there for me and always giving me a safety net to fall on so that I may always feel free to climb higher.

Keeping in touch and updates

On Sept. 25, 2015 The Washington Post published two articles on adoption. It's not normally a topic I see very often.

1: "China’s one-child policy led to my adoption — and a more privileged life"

2: I gave my daughter up for adoption. Then I tried to be her mom.

Both articles demonstrate two very different types of adoption and experiences completely different from my own.

 What I found most interesting was an observation that closed adoptions are unrealistic in today's society due to social media. I believe it. Birth parents search for their kids and adoptees search for their birth parents. The agencies are no longer the gatekeepers of information. We google.

I have some personal experience with this. My biological father married after I was born and had two daughters. They have no idea I exist. I am friends with my biological father on Facebook. He has mentioned his daughters and tagged them in his posts throughout the years. His original argument was they were too young to understand. They are in college now.

A small part of me resents him for not telling them. It robs us all of a potential relationship. As much as I would like to message them, I feel like that is his place to tell them, not mine. So I don't browse his page or look for updates on them, it's less sad that way.


There is an entire book I plan on reading titled Adoption Reunion in the Social Media Age, An Anthology 

Closed adoptions are unrealistic with social media. That makes me happy. Inside you may be screaming, but what about the adoptive parent's privacy? What if the birth mother has their address? 

I loved Karen's response when we talked about fearful adoptive parents. Karen's response is along the lines of  asking"A birth mother can trust you with the life of her child, but you can't trust her with your address? She will have all of your contact information, because we will ensure she has it."

Thankfully, Macii and Tom have been open books. That is one reason of many wonderful reasons we were paired. Have I mentioned how wonderful they are? When they left after dinner over Labor Day weekend, we discussed how we would keep in touch. Our communications contract said at least quarterly updates with annual visits.

We decided a private Facebook group would be the way to go. Macii and Todd regularly update the page about once a week with photos, BB's personality and adventures. I post pictures of me and my family and things we are doing that we wish they could all be there for. I love that page. Macii and Tom posted a photo of BB in a cat outfit my parents had mailed her, I have never heard my mom make the noises she did. It sounded like a combination of a squeal, snort and laughter. It was the sound of absolute pure joy.  

Macii's parents also wrote a letter to my parents introducing themselves and welcoming us to the family. The letter mentioned Macii's mom would be making a baptismal gown for BB and asked my mom if she would like to include some fabric. We couldn't find my gown so my mom included lace from a gown. It looks like they will be penpals for quite some time. I never expected that, but it helped reaffirm in their minds that this was meant to be and truly the best family for BB.

Macii, Tom and I still text a bit to share things privately, but I hope our using Facebook may give someone else the idea to do the same. So far it is working out wonderfully.