To the mama....

It was pointed out to me that my blog does not paint my mom in the best light so far. (Sorry mom!) I don't think she has read the blog yet, but she knows it exists.

She was the first person I told about being pregnant and was there with me holding my hand during my C-section. She was the first to hold BB.

 (My mom introducing me to my daughter minutes after she was born.)

Prior to that, in her mind she wasn't going to be a grandparent and had come to terms with that. My sister is a lesbian and I was career minded. Being pregnant opened a door of possibilities to be a grandmother. I don't think she realized how much she wanted it until it became an option.

She offered to retire early to help me raise BB. She and my dad even offered to take guardianship of my daughter so that I could still travel and work. I could have asked for anything to make it work and I can say with a good amount of certainly, they would have made it happen. I couldn't take away their retirement, they worked so incredibly hard to get where they are. They were three years away from being able to sail around the world or just stay at home, to do whatever they pleased.

 (My parents on their boat. Who took that amazing photo? *brushes shoulders off*)

 It also wasn't realistic because there is no way I could let them do that without taking all the responsibility. I would be the one getting up with her at night, to feed her, to burp her, to change her and to teach her. I couldn't just give up my responsibilities and choose to be around when it suited me best. What kind of parent does that?

I was sitting on a bench in D.C. waiting for a dear friend of mine to go see Book of Mormon when my mother called to tell me she just wanted to make sure she made every offer possible to help me keep BB just in case I wasn't sure so that I wouldn't change my mind.

It is really really really hard to deny someone a dream that you could fulfill. It is also difficult to go against what your parents want for you. They did not agree with my decision. I didn't need them too. I felt they were romanticizing what it would be like and I would be left with the reality.
I wouldn't be able to be committed to BB while working to support us and I couldn't be committed to work because I would be worrying about my daughter. That is not a life I wanted for her or me.

(In Annapolis after wandering around the Naval Academy.)

I love my mom for offering all of those alternatives. We have had some knock down dragged out ugly battles, but there is no one I respect more. She told me a while back, "I AM AWESOME!" I told her she is Awesome 99% of the time but that 1% is a doozy. She accepted that graciously with a smile.

She was a stay at home mom and raised my sister and I through my dad's deployments, TDY's, moves, broken hearts and laughter. She went back to college when we got older and is now an assistant dean for the English Department at a community college. She has shown me that you can have it all, just not all at the same time. She came from a background that was at times very violent, yet was able to rise from that and become a complete success. We are both incredibly stubborn and snarky which is probably why we butt heads sometimes. She is also hilarious, with or without a few glasses of wine in her.

 (No wine in this photo. Mom? Still hilarious!)

I'm sorry that I wasn't in a place where I could give my mom what she wanted. I told her several times how she never expected to be a grandmother but just by BB's birth she is by definition a grandmother, and although she won't get to be around BB as much as she would like, it's a lot more than she thought was ever possible. 

(Side note- I also really appreciate the friends she had lunch with who told her it wasn't all sunshine and roses like Facebook shows. It was stress and temper tantrums and messy. Lynn ~ Thank you. I think that really helped her to hear that.)

I'm still working through some feelings where I felt she made the experience much more about her than me, but she had a lot of baggage from when she was trying to adopt a baby. I forgive really easy because I have no room to carry that around.

(My mom with her furbaby. Henry - one spoiled rotten baby bull terrier.)

I think a lot of women presented with choices are forced to choose adoption because they don't have support. I never had to experience that, I had the opposite problem. As thankful as I am for her support through this, I also love her for relating to Macii and Tom, for adoring them and asking about how they are doing and caring for them. She has adopted them into our family. If I had changed my mind at the hospital she would have been really mad at me for putting Tom and Macii through that. It sounds odd, but I'm glad because that means she truly and deeply cares for them. She's also able to relate to them on a level I never will.

 I don't want to rush time, but I am looking forward to see what kind of relationship BB has with my mom when she gets older. I hope it's similar to one loving and supportive relationship I have with my grandmother on my dad's side of the family. I didn't get to see my grandparents often at all due to my dad's military career, but love spans time.

(My dad, me, mom and my grandmother Jerry (on my dad's side)

I was going to include my dad in this post, but I'll dedicate the next one to him. He most certainly deserves his own post, but this one is for my mom. Thank you for being there for me and always giving me a safety net to fall on so that I may always feel free to climb higher.