Relationship with my biological father

I recently wrote a post about the very close relationship I have with my birth mom Erica and her side of the family, this one is about the relationship I have, or lack there-of with my biological father Jeff.

Sharp looking young Marine isn't he? 

I don't know why, but I didn't think or wonder about him as much as I did my birth mom growing up. My understanding was that he asked Erica to marry him and offered to raise me together, but she declined knowing they could barely take care of themselves as teenagers, let alone a newborn.

 I met him for the first time during that same trip to Idaho to meet my birth mom and her side of the family. My dad never seemed panicked or worried about what my relationship with Jeff was or what it had the opportunity to become. I wonder if he hid that from me, or he just understood that the same way a parent can love multiple children, a child can love multiple parents. 

We met at an Outback Steakhouse the last night of our trip. I didn't realize I was pacing in the hotel room until my sister and Reba told me to sit down, that I was wearing tread marks into the carpet. 

When we walked up, he was walking out the door.  I still have a feeling that had he not run into us on his way out, he may have left. He mentioned wanting to get a few photo albums from the car. During  the dinner conversation I learned he was married and had two daughters, but had never told them about me because they were too young to understand. They are both in college now, they still don't know. 

We flipped through albums of his pictures from his military days as a broadcaster and later as a country music radio DJ. We took a few pictures and said our goodbyes. 

 

These are absolutely awful quality. Maybe someday I'll find the actual ones. 

(Mom, me, Dad, Katie, Reba)

 

(My biological father Jeff, Me)

 (My biological father, me, my Dad)

I met him in a similar situation a few years later at a Red Robin before my flight home. I met his wife Leslie who was very kind and mentioned they were very proud of the person I am. Jeff took me to a store and introduced me to his old co-workers. With a lot of hesitation, I was introduced as a family friend. It was like a punch to the gut. 

We became friends on Facebook and I get to see photos of my sisters as they grow up. It did help when I developed little tumors in my sinus cavities to have him and my birth mom to ask about if it ran in their families. That was a first for me! Normally when I was asked, "Does such and such run in your family?" I'd always have to respond, "Well, I don't really know. I'm adopted."

I messaged him in 2010 explaining the diagnosis I had been given along with some additional information on some broadcasting work I got to do at work. 

"and if there's such a thing as good broadcaster genes... i think ya passed em down :) with my boss deployed ive been doing the podcast and updating our information hotline... updated it today, and a few other recording type things, ive really been enjoying putting my broadcast writing skills to use!"

and he replied, "I'm glad that everything looks like it's going to be ok. If there is such a thing as good broadcaster genes they were handed down to me from my dad who works radio as well, I'm glad your enjoying it, it can be a lot of fun. Never been to Vegas, but everyone I've talked to that has been has had fun. I'm proud of ya, keep up the great things you are doing."

We messaged a bit back and forth and I asked if he could fit a quick visit into my travel itinerary. He replied, "Hey there! I sure would like to see you, but unfortunatly I will be swamped that time of year, (sports broadcasting) I hope you have a fantstic trip, and with any luck I will catch up to you next time through. I have been having fun keeping up with you reading your posts. your a busy young lady."

I started to send him Happy Father's Day messages, as I would send Happy Mother's Day messages to Erica. That turned into him messaging me annually on my birthday. The last message we sent was a birthday conversation in 2013. 

On Sept. 18 this year, this was our conversation: 

Sep 18th, 5:07pm

Reading the story you wrote took me back to when Erica and I had to make the same decision. A little different in the aspect of we were just teens but the same kind of thoughts went into it. She was a very strong woman and had a lot to deal with and I didn't help a whole lot when I look back. I was scared and angry and confused and a thousand other emotions. I have always been impressed with the kind of person you have become. We don't talk a lot because I feel that I played just a small part in your life. Maybe I'm wrong I don't know but I never felt it was my place to interfere in your world, I didn't have the right. But I want you to know that you do impress me Jacqueline, a lot. I thought you should know that.

Sep 18th, 6:14pm
Hi. Thank you for reading that. If I remember correctly through a letter Erica wrote...you had proposed and she didn't feel she could take care of herself let alone take care of a baby. (feel free to correct me if I don't have that right) but it does help to hear the emotions you went through to help me understand how someone I dated for 3 years on and off can just stop communicating.

I understand not wanting to interfere, but I do think you having a role in half of my genetics gives you a right to be a part of my life. The most surprising part of this for me has been how much the decision has affected other people. My family has been supportive but I didn't make the decision they wanted. They offered to retire early to help me take care of her. Thankfully I had an opportunity to introduce them to the couple Dutch and I chose, and my parents loved them immediately and could relate to how badly they wanted to be parents.

My parents, sister, friends, Erica, and her family are invited to be a part of my visits with her so she can always have that relationship. (you are more than welcome as well). It's extremely open and her parents philosophy is why deny a child to be loved more? I know the stigmas with a child out of wedlock were much different then compared to now, and heard that Gpa Rob had one hell of a temper about it and how disappointed Gma Mary was. Going through this I realized I don't even know the names of your parents, wondered if they even knew and was thankful you've taken more of a role than Dutch has, he probably won't ever tell anyone and she won't have an opportunity to know him and his family.

I do hold some resentment about your daughters not knowing, but I figured that is your decision and not for me to interfere with. I've read a lot of articles about how closed adoptions are not really possible now because of social media and people reaching out to siblings and biological family. I don't agree that its the best way for someone to find out, but learning how the relationships develop is comforting. I am really thankful for being able to meet you and then later see you and meet Leslie. I also really appreciate you reaching out, I hope nothing I said came off as offensive or hurt your feelings, it wasn't intended to but I do appreciate the opportunity to hear your thoughts and say things that have been on my mind in regards to our own relationship. Also, thank you for the compliment that I impress you, nurture plays I think a larger part in someone's life but the genetic nature part can never be denied.

I've always enjoyed that I ended up in Public Affairs and love being around the old broadcasters, doing radio casts for Belvoir would always make me feel somewhat connected to you knowing your past. So I hope you can take some pride in having a part in that! Also, I know I'm biased.. but we've got some good genes! I've never been a baby person and I think BB couldn't have been more adorable or perfect.

 

He never replied to that, and heck I don't even know if he read it, but I do know I've been thankful for the opportunity to have those conversations. The opportunity would not have been there without BB's existence. 

The part that has made me the most anxious about BB's adoption is that she may grow up having the same resentment towards Dutch that I had towards Jeff. When we were discussing adoption and Dutch was asking me more about my own experiences, I mentioned having a lot of resentment towards my biological father. That didn't prevent him from repeating the cycle, and at least Jeff claimed me and was at the court date. I saw letters between him and the agency asking how I was doing and he would request updated photos. 

I struggle the most with how do I even begin to explain to BB that her biological father wants nothing to do with her, through absolutely no fault of her own. Then my friend's voice pops up in my head that sometimes the best thing someone can do.. is be absent. 

BB has the most amazing parents and she's exactly where she is meant to be. With a wonderful mother and father who love each other very much and who I know love her unconditionally. I couldn't provide that on my own. If BB grows up resenting Dutch, if she searches him out one day, she would do so whether or not I had decided to keep her. 

Kids grow into adults who have all kinds of resentment and abandonment issues, whether they are adopted or not, I hope that the love and security from her parents will prevent her from experiencing any of that, but that may be unrealistic thinking. That's alright, I will always want the absolute best for her. 

 (The left center photos are the only pictures I had of Jeff, that and a catholic necklace he had given to Erica) 

When looking for these photos, I couldn't help but smile and think.. at least history doesn't ALWAYS repeat itself. (What is is about a Marine in his dress blues? Chris and I dated for a bit, no baby though!) Like I said.. I'm thankful history does not always repeat itself sometimes.