My relationship with my biological mother and family

If you haven't read my first post I recommend starting here, then come back and read this :)

It was my senior year of high school, I had just turned 18 and I received a large package in the mail from my birth mom Erica. It contained all the answers to questions I had growing up, medical history, news that I had a half brother and sister, two aunts, information on my grandparents, family history.. you name it.

My mom became very panicky and flighty, she felt threatened and was worried about these new relationships in my life. I told her that she has always been my mom, will always be my mom and there was no changing that. It helped her to hear that.

I began to e-mail and write letters with everyone in the family.

(My sister Katie, family friend Reba, Mom, Dad at Inspiration Point in Yellowstone)

My entire family and Reba (a good family friend who had been living with us) took a trip out West July 2004. Our first stop was Idaho to meet my family. I remember hopping out of that minivan and receiving one of the tightest warmest embraces I've ever had from my birth mom Erica. I remember her holding my hand and not letting go, I loved it.

(My birth mom Erica and I)

I met my brother J.C. and sister Amber. We were already taking cheap shots at each other by the end of the day.... as if we had been siblings our entire lives.  We played with the dogs and cats and checked out their pawn / gun shop in Lewiston. We spent the 4th of July together watching fireworks.

 

(My sister Amber, Me, Reba, Katie, my brother J.C.)

We all headed out to the family ranch to meet up with my Aunt Robin, her husband Jeremy, Aunt Andrea, her husband Dave, Grandma Mary and Grandpa Rob. My grandparents still had cattle at the time and it's a life style you can't just leave.

 

Frisbee the bull

 A wild mustang just hanging out on the property.. no big deal!

There was a bear trap Grandpa Rob tried to pull off as a mouse trap... he's a jokester. It was really neat getting to look at all the family photos and hear Grandma's stories. The moment my feet touched the ground there, it felt as I reconnected to the land. It felt like roots uncurled from my feet and were embraced by the soil.

 

(Aunt Robin, Grandpa Rob, Grandma Mary. Can ya tell he's a jokester? LOVE THEM!)

Growing up a military brat I always felt home was just where your family was, but this felt different. It was if a small piece of me had been left there and a puzzle piece that I wasn't aware had gone missing decided, magnetically reconnected the moment my foot crunched into the dirt. I wonder if that's a normal feeling for other adoptees who reconnect with their biological families.

 

  Taking it all in.

I also enjoyed that I looked like I belonged. My mom and sister have smaller builds, dark black curly hair and blue eyes. I'm don't have a smaller build, blonde hair and green eyes. I resemble my dad's side of the family a little bit, but never enough to feel like I fit in.

 My birth mom, Erica.We look like each other :)

I've never considered genetics to be a factor in defining family, family is who you love unconditionally and who loves you unconditionally, but looking like a family was a new experience for me.

As our visit came to an end my grandmother said to just think of everyone as extended family, and I do. They are my aunts and my grandparents and my brother and my sister, my birth mom. They are my family.

 (My beautiful grandmother, and handsome grandfather)

I had moments I had wished I had grown up around horses, my siblings, and my aunts and in Idaho, but I wouldn't have had all the experiences I did growing up, all the opportunities, all the love.  I don't think I would have led such a secure, sheltered life. I'm thankful for the selfless decision my birth mom made. I get to have the best of both worlds.

My anxiety and panic attacks had ended by that point. I'll never really be sure if it was because puberty was over, I had learned how to cope through therapy, I learned how to step up with a lot of responsibility while working and going to school at the same time or subconsciously I felt whole after getting to meet my family. I would argue the answer would be D.) all the above.

 I met my biological father the night before leaving Idaho. I'll save that for another post.

We went to Glacier National Park and Yellowstone after leaving Idaho. It was a trip of a life time! A time to meet and reconnect with my biological family but a time to bond and make new experiences with my family.

 

Yellowstone National Park

 Lake Jenny, Glacier National Park

Since that trip, I visited Idaho a couple of years later on my own. My dad says the same fears came back to my mom. My mom said she wondered if having contact with Erica throughout the years would have prevented that. Perhaps. She was afraid of being replaced, that I would go there and never want to come home.

My brother and sister came out to visit me in D.C. for my college graduation in 2007. I spent two weeks in Alaska with my brother when he was stationed there. My birth mom came out to visit and I showed her all over D.C., introduced her to my friends and got to show her a bit of my world. A world that would not have been possible without her. 

I e-mail with everyone and text with Erica, we're all connected on Facebook.

I reached out to them with the news about my pregnancy. My Aunt Andrea was a rock, my sister gave me a perspective that only she could about the difficulties and rewards of being a single mom, I had nothing but support. Aunt Robin has been going through some tough times and we were able to support each other upon our return.

The amazing thing? My mom needed a lot of support that I was unable to give her, Grandma Mary and Erica were there for her. I'm so thankful for that. I hope they all get to meet BB one day.

I understand the fears associated with open adoption. My own adoption was only semi-open, but why rob yourself of those relationships, those experiences? If it's for health and safety reasons, that makes sense, but there's healthy and safe ways to address those relationships as well. We're all human, we all make mistakes.