Dating

Immediately friends were saying, "get back out there!" Others would say, "take your time, it's too soon."

I decided to go for it. I like the person that I am today. Right now. This minute. I can enjoy the solitude of my own company just as much as I do when I'm with others. I don't need someone to fill a a void. By choice, I spent today with me (and my dog). I woke up, I decided not to go for that hike by myself (didn't beat myself up about it). I cleaned, had a dance party in the kitchen while cooking, did laundry, had a full on dance party in the jeep to Flo Rida's "Welcome to my House!"  while driving to see the Mocking Jay Part 2 alone. I cried a lot during that movie, I don't know if it was because there was so much loss, or PMS or what.

Cam's song "Burning House" came on during my drive home. I really related to the lyrics:

"See you at a party and you look the same.

I could take you back but people don't ever change.

Wish that we could go back in time,

I'd be the one you thought you'd find."

Of course after that Adele's "Hello" came on, and I have been relating to these lyrics:

Hello, it's me. 

I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet 

To go over everything 

They say that time's supposed to heal ya

But I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be...

Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming and the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us

And a million miles

Hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times 

To tell you I'm sorry

For everything that I've done

But when I call you never 

Seem to be home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried 

To tell you I'm sorry

For breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly 

Doesn't tear you apart anymore

It may seem like I'm dwelling on Dutch, but I like that I can think of him without getting angry now. I'm taking really good care of myself again, my mileage is upping every week, I've reconnected with a lot of people, I'm eating well, so all of those things together told me i'm in a good place to date again. 

Before all of this, I considered myself a good catch: kind, caring, sarcastic, cute, active, educated, great job, open minded, always up for an adventure, good cook, animal lover.. no baggage. Never married, no kids. I never minded dating people who did, but it's harder to find that the older you become.

I jumped into the world of tinder and pof. You have to fill out questionnaires. "Do you have kids?" How do I answer that? I have a daughter, but i'm not raising her.

Enter Corey. We had some work events that tied us together before even really talking but he's cute, could hold a conversation about dogs, music, tattoos, piercings, books, movies, vacations, visiting Colorado, going to concerts at Red Rocks, instruments, you name it. He said to me, "I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but I'm a single dad. I know that's a deal breaker for a lot people and figured I'd let you know before you agree to dinner."  I told him it wasn't a deal breaker for me at all. Then it happened. I had no filter and I told everything about what I had just gone through. He told me it wasn't a deal breaker for him at all, that it must have been incredibly hard and that he supported my decision.

We started seeing each other once a week, twice a week, three times a week. It's obvious when someone wants to spend time with you, they really make an effort. It had been a long time since I felt valued and wanted like that. Gotham became "our show" to watch. It was never awkward, it was magnetic and comfortable. I met his family and friends the first week. He was incredibly affectionate. No secrets between us. He wanted to see something on my phone, I gave him the pass code. Nothing to hide. He unlocked his. No secrets. It wasn't to check on each other, just to show we had nothing to hide. It's such a secure feeling to be that open with someone. I invited him to a Halloween Party to meet Sarah and her boyfriend Dan, two people in my life right now that mean the world to me. Corey waited until the last minute and trusted me to make his costume out of construction paper and ended up winning 3rd place. It was an amazing time!

After Halloween, there were a few things that just didn't sit right with me, and that's between him and I. Because of those things neither one of us was exclusively dating the other and I decided if I was willing to date other people, that meant Corey wasn't my first choice. I wouldn't want to be someone's second choice. I wasn't going to make him my second choice.

He was kind and gracious when I ended it. He even asked if I would let him know if things changed and asked if we could still chat occasionally. I didn't hesitate to say yes to both.

He may have been a rebound after Dutch, but really I think he was in my life to show me I can find what i'm looking for and be completely honest with my experiences and not have to fear the person leaving, and if they leave, that's on them. I don't need to hide anything.

I know who I am, I know what I stand for, I know my value and I know what I want from a relationship. I want to live a life I absolutely love. I don't need someone to feel happy, I just want someone to share the happiness and adventures with. That's how I knew I was ready, you'll know when you're ready too.

It doesn't matter what your friends and family think about when to date and who date and what is healthy or not healthy after a life changing experience. You'll know. If you mess it up? That's ok, we're all learning.

I'm not here to judge you.