A new normal

(I wrote this about a month before posting it) 

It’s been one month since BB was born. I’m in a weird place… this major life-changing thing happened to me. I don’t want to move on and just have everything go back to the exact same way it was, yet that decision affords me the ability to move forward with things resuming as normal as possible.

I decided I would take some time to repair and rebuild myself and important relationships in my life. I drove 13 hours to St. Louis with my Bullmastiff in the back of the Jeep.

 (Max and I on our routine morning walk in STL)

I’m staying in my family’s condo. The space from them is really nice. The quiet gets a little difficult at times. I asked Sarah.. How do I know if I’m dealing with this in a healthy way? How do I know I’m not avoiding everything that just happened? The quiet here is good. I can let emotions wash over me and almost bathe in them on the days I have to myself but I can also go out and be a part of nature on long walks and spend time with my family and friends and not dwell on things.

My grandpa was on death’s door not too long ago so I wanted to make sure I got to spend some time with him. I saw him on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. He knew who I was. He called me niece, but that was close enough. He knew I am his son’s daughter, so he may just have not had the words.

 (Gpa Rich and I)

While getting ready to go out and play in the city, I found some good quotes I related to:

“We are torn between nostalgia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange. As often as not, we are homesick most for the places we have never known.”

“Note to self: you do not have to adjust your boundaries to fit the expectations of others. You do not have to make yourself small or quiet or compliant. You can stay right were you are, in the space that is and has been you from birth. Let them go around your. Let them try to go through you. Let them hurl themselves against your rocky, obdurate truth. If your jagged edges cut, let them remember respect.”

Some photos from my St. Louis trip:

(The Arch: Gateway to the West)

 (Creve Coeur Lake)

(Claustrophobic? Afraid of heights? If yes, DO NOT GO UP!)

(Running tables with Joe, aka him letting me *try* to make the easier shots)

After my return from St. Louis I had my last doctors appointment. That two week and 6 week post-op appointments were kind of a joke. I get the two week appointment is supposed to check to see if you are healing OK. I also had the tape removed from my incision. The six-week was just a check to see if my organs are all back where they should be and to have a discussion about birth control. Well.. It won’t be the shot! I’m looking at the implant, which is good for three years or a more permanent solution with essure.

I sent BB her first care package. I also received two copies of her birth certificate and one social security card. I sent the social security card and birth certificate to Macii and Tom in the package. I included a really pretty and beautifully smelling candle for Macii and Tom, just something warm from our family to theirs.

 (This giraffe is apparently a "thing." I didn't believe the lady until I ran into a mom at Target who's newborn LOVED it.)

(A cute little Halloween book)

 (Super cute owl costume)

 (wherever you are, my love will find you)

 (This owl was to adorable, I couldn't resist)

 (In a letter I asked Macii and Tom if they would mind taking a few photos of BB in the costumes I sent. I thought she would look adorable in them! I had no desire to dictate what she would be for Halloween, I couldn't wait to see what they chose for her though!)

 

I got back on a Wednesday and by Friday night I was attending one of my favorite events in DC over Columbus Day Weekend called the DC Red Dress Run. There was a themed masquerade trail on Friday night. I dressed up like batman in running shoes.

 (Batgirl for Charity)

The party was a blast. We are a drinking club with a running problem. It was great to see friends, many of them asked about BB and I proudly showed them pictures. I really appreciated the meaningful hugs and people caring about how I am really and truly.

 (I was Batman for Friday night's run, and Robin for Saturday's run)

As wonderful as it felt to be back with my friends, I felt guilty. Would people think I placed my daughter for adoption so that I could go out to drink and run and not have as much responsibility? I realized I didn’t care what others would think except for BB and she’ll know those were not my reasons at all.

Saturday I showed up at the Park at 14^th Street with 600 of my closest friends and we ran all over DC in red dresses for charity. A portion of the proceeds went to the Yellow Ribbon Fund. Again, I received a lot of hugs and support from friends. I had an amazing time skipping around DC in a red tutu and Robin costume and later dancing with friends.

 (With my wonderful friend Jess during Red Dress Run)

It still feels like I am in this weird in-between place. Giving birth to my daughter made me a birth mom, but choosing adoption means I don’t have the responsibilities of a mother. I think of BB, Macii and Tom every day. I wonder how they are doing.

Next up: Spending my last week of Maternity Leave in Arizona :)