Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

Monday was here! It had been five days since I gave birth. It was also Labor Day weekend.

Hopefully I wrote some things down in my journal about the dinner, but for now there are several things that stick out in my mind about Sept. 7. It would be the last time for a while I would see our daughter.

I like using "our" instead of mine. It took two of us to create her. Macii and Tom are her parents. She is ours :)

It was the first day I put on clothes and didn't sit around in PJs. I was back in my size 14 pants!!! My clothes fit! Hallelujah! I took many selfies, I didn't share them with anyone because they were just for a moment to capture some happiness I felt for a fleeting moment.

Sarah arrived first and she was a wonderful buffer between being swallowed in my emotions and enjoying the moment.

Even though it had only been a few days, it felt like embracing family you haven't seen in a very long time. Your heart yearns to hug them and welcome them in and not let them go. That's how I felt when Tom and Macii pulled into the driveway with BB.

My parents made a wonderful meal of fresh grilled Salmon and vegetables.

Sarah and BB

I loved that I got the chance to see Macii, Tom and BB as a family unit. I got to see how they interact with her, how much they care for her, their sense of humor and amazement in everything she did. I'm so thankful for that opportunity. 

 

 BB and I

 My sister, Mom and BB

My Dad and BB

We exchanged gifts. 

 

I got necklaces for BB, Macii and myself that say chosen. Macii was chosen to be BB's mom. BB was chosen to be Macii and Tom's daughter. I was chosen as a birth mother.

I didn't think Tom would appreciate a necklace so I got him a keychain with engraved washers. They also said "Chosen with love" and I included their names on the second washer. 

My sister gave BB the softest plush cat in the hat stuffed animal with a bunch of Dr. Seuss books. Katie has her own Cat in the Hat that's very special to her and wanted to make sure BB had something to remember her by and enjoy. 

If you've some of my earlier posts, you'll know that one of the places Tom, Marcii and I went to before BB was born was the torpedo factory. My favorite artist is Alison Sigethey. Check her out at http://www.alisonsigethy.com/ She makes sea core bubble tubes that I just adore. 

 In addition to the sea core bubble tubes she makes these beautiful sculptures called Sea Jewels. 

I was given a sea jewel from Macii and Tom, it was in a pale white to signify my birthstone (diamond for April) and the smaller jewel inside of it is blue for BB's birthstone (a sapphire for September). The sapphire sat inside of the diamond and resembled the shape of a pregnant belly. I couldn't imagine a more perfect gift. They also asked if I would like to write a note for BB in the Mulberry Book I had given them. Of course I did!

The night was getting late and it was time to say our goodbyes. I was really happy that I wasn't the blubbering snot crying mess I was at the hospital. There was a small chance that if ICPC took a while to clear that Macii and Tom would come over and maybe join us for a picnic or go sit on the sailboat for lunch. I think having that as a possibility helped me keep it together. I kissed my sweet girl and told her I would see her later. I hugged Macii and Tom and watched them walk to the car with my favorite person in the whole wide world sleeping in the car seat they carried. 

We didn't get an opportunity to see them again, but I was happy for them to get home and not be stuck in a hotel with a newborn. They text me when they arrived, they had such a huge welcome home that is caused a scene at the airport. I love that BB, Tom and Macii got to have that moment. 

I was also sad thinking that I wouldn't get that same experience of introducing her to my extended family. That's ok. I just referred back to the list of reasons I placed her for adoption. She gets so much more love, not less. This is all for her. I never wavered or questioned my decision, I just missed her and missed the possibilities of things that could happen.

How much Maternity Leave should I take?

After my C-section, physically I felt like two weeks would have been sufficient enough time to go back to work but I would have been an emotional wreck crying at random things and still not able to focus.

I took from Sept. 3 to Oct. 19. That’s seven weeks. I researched it typically takes six to eight weeks to heal from a C-section. I was cleared to resume my normal life at week five. That may be abnormal because I was really active prior to and during my pregnancy, or it may be completely normal. All I do know is everyone is different.

This is the most time I have EVER not worked since I turned 16. I thought I would be aching to go back to work. I did miss my co-workers and I did miss the work I enjoy. At the same time, I have to listen to advice I would give to others in the same situation.

“You just had a baby, you didn’t come home with that baby, you need to grieve, you need to learn how to function with that grief, you need to establish a new normal, you need to figure out how to laugh and enjoy life again but honor what you’ve been through.” I wouldn’t recommend anyone else rush back to work, so I took my own advice.

I kept myself busy reading a lot of books, had many conversations with friends, I received updates on BB, I traveled to St. Louis to spend time with my grandparents and Aunt. I attended events I would have before knowing I was pregnant. I traveled to Arizona and spent a week with a friend and got out to do some hiking in the Sonoran Desert. More on that later.

I understand taking seven weeks off from work isn’t an option for everyone, especially when the Federal Government does not offer paid maternity leave. Check with adoption agencies, sometimes they can assist you by providing you with the same amount of money your paycheck would be so that you can take leave and still be able to pay your bills. That is a service Graceful Adoptions offers.

Mental health is important and healing is a process that shouldn’t be rushed. Take more time than you think you need, and if you need more time than what you thought.. take that time too.

Recovering at Home

I had been warned that hormones will make you feel crazy.

I cried at everything. I cried when I was happy, I cried when I was sad, I cried when I was content.

I was irritated that my family went back to work and left me with silence, I was irritated when they were around that I didn't get to have that silence, I was mad when they wanted to talk about how I was feeling, I was mad when they wouldn't ask me how I was feeling, I tried to keep it all in and I think it only really came out during one argument with my mom.

I cried when a Cubs player stole 3rd base against the Cardinals.

If I had not been warned, I think I probably would have taken myself to a psychiatric hospital.

My life has always been in constant motion, but the previous two months were in warp speed. 

I had:

- Doctors Appointments
- Counseling Appointments
- Legal Appointments
- Adoption appointments over paperwork, preferences and how I was doing
- I moved all my stuff into storage and moved home two weeks before I was due (Thank you to my wonderful friends who came out to help, my sister, my dad, my neighbor Max and Josh for riding my Harley back when I was unable to.)
- Working full time

I didn't have time to be sad or mad, I had things to do damn it!

I went from that to my daughter's birth, I was busy healing and taking care of her with Macii and Tom. I had gotten used to having BB in my routine.

Then there I was in a silent room. No check lists, no appointments, no work, just silence. I had a hard time adjusting to BB not being there the first couple of days. Thank God for Macii and Tom, they text photos and would tell me funny stories, I would be seeing them soon. 

... but damn that silence and solitude. I don't even have a word to properly describe it..querulous? no. sullen? no.  I can't describe it, but I never want to experience that again.

Going Home from the hospital

I was really proud of myself, I felt calm and together. BB had been cleared to be released as had I.

I feel proud of my body, I had a C-section Thursday morning and was ready to go home by Saturday morning.

The nurses came in and gave Macii and Tom and whole list of "here is everything that could go wrong with the baby." It was overwhelming and I wasn't even the one taking her home.The nurse went over what each rash meant, which ones you could treat, which ones you call the pediatrician for and which ones would require 9-1-1. She also told us what the soft bump on the top of her head meant if it was inflated or deflated. She told us all about what the baby could do to accidentally die and things we might do that may lead to an accidental death. As if being a new parents wasn't already scary enough.

Then she gave me a talk about taking care of myself. Bleed for six more weeks. If you bleed golf ball size clots get to the emergency room, I could bleed out. BLEED OUT she repeated. No lifting. Stairs only once a day (but if I go up, I need to come back down!). Pick up medication prescription on the way home. Come back in two weeks for a check up and then come back at the six week post-op.

 It was a lot of commotion. Macii and Tom moved into my room, the hospital needed their room for something. Karen arrived and I signed a bunch of paperwork. She helped me with the $12 check to social security to get cards and birth certificates. I recommend ordering two sets of everything. It's supposed to work where you get a copy of everything and the adopting parents get a copy, but Macii and Tom didn't receive anything so I was able to send them what I got. (Another win for open adoption!)

My parents arrived and the hospital social worker was in and out of the room. OK.. I understand that you don't handle very many adoptions but you KNEW we would be there and this would be happening. Have your paperwork together! If Karen hadn't been there to hold her hand through the process, I feel like we would all be in that hospital still.

We had discussed the transition point would be me putting BB in her car seat and we would all leave together. Macii and Tom had selected a gorgeous sail boat dress and sweater for her to leave the hospital in. Sailing is a big deal in my family. It meant so much to me that they considered our family during a very personal moment for them.

The time came to put BB in the carseat and I just started to cry. I cry thinking about it now. I tried to hold it in because I didn't want anyone to think I had changed my mind. I hadn't changed my mind, I just was not ready to let go of this tiny person who changed the entire trajectory of things most important to me. This list used to be:
1. God
2. Me. Me! Me! Me!
3. Family
4. Friends

The list is now
1. God
2. BB
3. Does she have everything she needs from me? Is she happy? Should I be doing more? Am I doing to much?
4. Me - if #2 and #3 are answered for first
5. family
6. friends


It wasn't just any cry with tears silently falling. It was a hyperventilating snot snorting crying. I think I had to step away because I couldn't figure out the car seat through all the tears.

You know what else is ridiculous? I had been walking all over that hospital floor to get juice, snacks, water, ice.. you name it. Why do I need to be wheeled out in a wheel chair? Legalities i'm sure. We all fit in the elevator together on the way down and the nurse told me it was a brave thing I was doing.

I haven't felt like I've deserved that title for a second. It was doing the right thing, the best thing for her. Through a conversation with a friend lately, she told me people said I took the easy way out. To that I say to them.. take the one thing you love most in the world and hand it over for someone else to love and protect and not have any control over what happens, once you hand your heart over.. then you can tell me that it's easy, but you won't because it will be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life.

It was Saturday of a Holiday weekend and knowing that Macii and Tom would be stuck in town in a hotel with a newborn we offered to host a BBQ Monday evening, and I was so relieved they accepted.

I held BB's foot, told her I loved her and that I would see her soon.

My mom embraced me and Karen hugged me goodbye. I sat in the passenger seat of my dad's Prius, my mom followed in hers and Tom and Macii went their way.

We stopped at CVS on the way home to get my meds. While we were waiting we walked next door to the pool store to get some things for the hottub. I will never forget the moment when I placed my hand over my belly like it was second nature, but this time I realized there was no longer a baby there. Just emptiness.

BB meets her parents for the first time

Macii and Tom walked into the room with beautiful flowers and it was wonderful to see them. They were introduced to BB and they instantly fell in love. I have a photo of what looks to be the exact moment Macii fell in love. I love that photo. It captures the very moment my daughter's mother fell in loved with her deeply and completely. Tom mentioned he was doomed, he was instantly wrapped around her finger.

Without a doubt here were BB's parents. There was a quote I was in love with while I was pregnant... "she is mine in a way she will never be theirs and she is theirs in a way she will never be mine." I don't like it anymore. She grew in my body and grew in their hearts, it's a really special bond.

My parents and sister with BB.

Thank God for Sarah.. three new parents completely clueless. Sarah showed Macii and Tom how to swaddle BB. I had not gained feeling in my legs yet and was unable to stand. My parents, Sarah and Katie left the hospital. So there we were, three clueless parents with a newborn.

Later that evening, Tom went to pick up some food and we had Chinese or Thai I cant quite remember but I ate the potstickers and they were wonderful! We caught up on the day, how the procedure went and how their flight in was. Of course the minute they decided to get out of the hotel for a bit and burn some energy is the moment they received the call she was born.. just like things happen when my mom would go to use the restroom, or when you go to the restroom and your food arrives.

 At some point the IV in my hand came out and I looked down thinking my hand was stinging, it was  HUGE. I NEED a nurse! The fluid had left the vein and entered into my hand it looked like an inflated rubber glove blown up. The nurse came and took the IV out. I was drinking and peeing enough that it was determined OK to take it out. (I'm laughing at myself for posting this ridiculous photo.)

The hospital set up Macii and Tom across the hall from me which was perfect. When I started to get really tired and just overwhelmed by the day they rolled BB out so I could get some rest. Rest! HA! The nurses come in every hour or so to push on my stomach, make sure I'm not bleeding excessively and deliver pain meds. They also helped me get out of bed for the first time, I moved gingerly but was glad to have new hospital granny panties and pads on.

It is so ridiculous to measure your urine for them when you look like you are bleeding to death, ugh. 

I tried to get some sleep but it just wasn't happening so Karen from Graceful Adoptions came over and stayed up with me a bit. She flew in from Iowa. She might have arrived earlier to spend time with all of us, but that part is a little fuzzy.

I was a little hurt and surprised that not a single person from my family was staying with me over night, that was a major surgery and emotionally a big deal, looking back on it I should have just told my mom I'd like her to stay, but didn't want to force her to spend the night in a hospital.

One of the few times I was finally able to fall asleep my nurse Tutu walked in and scared the hell out of me! I did a startle reflex just like BB did and I just started laughing, Tutu said I was her favorite on the floor :) I just really appreciated my nurses. Some were better than others, my favorites would deliver pain meds on time.. I didn't ask for much.

Mornings in the hospital were my favorite. I would text Tom and Macii when I woke up and they would wheel BB in and hand her to me to feed her. We would talk about my night, her night, their night. They would hold her when I wanted to eat and I would take her so they could go get breakfast to bring upstairs. I had french toast, juice, eggs, sausage and couldn't eat the cereal and milk. Hospital food had really improved!

My catheter was taken out Friday morning. I was told I had to go to the bathroom twice with nurse help and then I would be allowed to go on my own and shower on my own. I did so well the first trip I was allowed to go to the bathroom unassisted and take a shower. The catheter removal wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, deep breath in and on the exhale they pulled, I felt a pinch but it wasn't bad.

I showered and was in my own clothes!!

Karen stopped by later that afternoon to hang out with Macii, Tom, BB  and myself. I was getting mad at my mom for saying she was going to go out to lunch instead of visit me in the hospital and would come with dad later on. Didn't they understand they would only get a limited amount of time with her? My sister and Dad had to work.

My mom had been so mad at my dad during my C-section for taking work calls. I thought it was hypocritical she got mad at him but then chose lunch over coming to the hospital. I didn't realize she had seen Karen as the enemy and felt Karen was trying to take over her caretaker role as mom.

Macii and Tom picked a really good time to go get food. My mom didn't even acknowledge Karen's existence, asked her to leave and looked a bit crazy, hair was disheveled, not put together, it came out that she had been at home crying all day and that this was the hardest thing she has ever had to go through. Her anger was directed at Karen. I didn't help the situation by getting into a fight with mom, but I was embarrassed and angry and asked why she couldn't pull it together. Shouldn't I be the one who is a mess?

Karen came back in the room to get her stuff and my mom asked her if they could start over, it was still tense and very raw, but at least she made an effort. Karen left for the evening as my dad arrived and Macii and Tom came back. The rest of Friday night was really nice, we all told stories about our day, dad went to pick up pizza, we took funny videos of Macii and Tom high-fiving before changing BB. The nurse came in and said if BB passed all of her tests we could be released tomorrow (Saturday) afternoon.

I never realized how many tests they put babies through, APGAR, blood tests,vaccinations, hearing tests, and sometimes car seat tests if they are small. The nurses also offered me an extra day at the hospital to stay with BB if I needed it, but I felt none of us were getting any sleep.

The nurses left me alone a lot longer Friday night, the mechanic came in and fixed the A/C, so it went from being warm to being blizzard temperature. We covered the vents with pillows and blankets. It made it much nicer for me to sleep. I also took off the leg squeezing things, they were driving me nuts!

Poor Macii and Tom had a rough night with BB because her feet were being pricked when she was hungry, tired and needed a diaper change, poor baby girl!

I woke up early on Saturday, got showered and dressed. Tom had perfect timing and brought BB in so I could feed her a bottle. He told me about a song he sang to her, it was a song of all the names of the people who loved her. It's beautifully long.

I wrapped BB up in my nice soft black robe. She only had to be double swaddled the first 24 hours, after that we went to one blanket and she quickly discovered she preferred to be able to stretch and move around.

If you put your baby's head on your chest, the sound of your heart beat calms them down. When she was first born the skin to skin contact helped her body figure out how to regulate itself and find the right temperature. Pretty amazing stuff. I held her for about 3 hours as she ate and then quickly fell asleep. Macii slept in a bit to catch up on all the sleep she missed, it was a rough night for them!

It was also a very big day, we were going to be released from the hospital. 

BB's Birth by C-section

We left the house at 6:20 on Thursday morning, Sept. 3. Dad drove with mom and I sitting behind her. Katie had worked late and said she was going to take a shower and would meet us at the hospital. she had worked until close at Red Robin and didn't get to mom and dad's until midnight. Mom stayed up and they talked so I was really surprised when mom was able to get out the door by 6:20.. its a miracle in itself!

41 Weeks, the morning of Sept. 3

We had to be there at 7:30 for a 9:30 C-section. I filled out the paper work, and needed to borrow $200 from dad for the Co-Pay. I had assumed I would just get a bill for it. It's a really special feeling asking your parents for money when you're 30 and left your checkbook at home. We sat in a tiny waiting room, just enough seats for the four of us. I don't think reality had set in at that point. we waited for what seemed like forever in the most uncomfortable chairs and I was hungry from not being allowed to eat or drink since midnight the previous night.

The minute mom went to the bathroom, the nurse Bernadette, bernie for short of course came back to get us. Us leekers never travel light and it looked like we were moving into the hospital. I was asked to change into a gown and non-slip hospital slippers, they were stylin' let me tell you! Long and grey with white spots on them.

The PACU had a bed in each corner and the nurses station central to all of that. Bernie put me on an IV and strapped a few fetal heart monitors to me. BB was at a funny angle and moved around a lot so we had to readjust those quite a bit.

We spent an extra hour in the PACU because one of the deliveries turned into an emergency C-section. I got put on a second IV bag and asked my mom to get my phone. Sarah had arrived ! I got texts and selfies from her and my sister.

I had to put on a super stylish hair net and mom put on a bunny suit complete with a hair net and mask. I got wheeled to the OR about 3 doors down on the right. The anesthesiologist and nurses were wonderful. We had a conversation about tattoos as I have a bunch and one of the nurses' first jobs was tattoo removal.

The epidural was not exactly a walk in the park. He put the numbing shot in first which stung for about 20 seconds. I thought if I could handle 3 hours of a tattoo I can handle 20 seconds of pain. Then the epidural needle. He seemed to have a hard time finding the spot, a very sharp pain on the right side of my back, he would adjust it and there would be pain in my left and then the center.

He reapplied the numbing shot and used a bigger needle, more stinging, and as that was going on I started to cry for the first time. I had been so calm but it hit me that this was going to happen, this was real, everything from finding out in July to being pregnant, moving home, ultrasounds, a relationship ending, choosing adopting, meeting Macii and Tom, I was about to meet BB. Having a full on panic attack and snot cry is not what I would call a good idea while having someone insert a needle into your spine while you try to arch your back into a "C" shape. 

I got it together and was told to put my legs up on the table before I wasn't able to move. Everything was feeling tingley. Soon I was not able to move my legs or toes and it caused me to have a panic attack I quickly started thinking about something else. The blue curtain was raised, I was put on oxygen and it was go time. My mom walked in wearing the bunny suit, she looked awesome heheh.

We both started crying the moment we saw each other. It doesn't matter how old you are, you always need your mom. She was crying because here was her daughter laid out on an operating table. The  nurse told me she just pinched me REALLY hard and I didn't respond so it was now time. I started to feel a little dizzy and told the nurse, she immediately put in anti nausea meds into my IV and I felt better. Don't try to wait that out!I heard a lot of stories of people puking the entire time they were going through the procedure. I'm sure i would have as well without that medication.

I didn't feel any incision being made, I felt pressure and tugging, it seemed like it was taking a while for them to get BB out. I cried and hyper ventilated off and on and would squeeze my moms hand when the pressure would scare me a bit. It is a very weird thing to smell something burning, knowing the doctors were using cauterizing tools and know it is your own flesh causing that smell. I will never forget that smell.

The anesthesia nurse was wonderful in telling me when i would feel tugging or pressure. The more they tried to pull BB out the further she would move up into me, which is the whole reason we were having a c-section to begin with.. she was up too high and was not causing contractions, hadn't dropped and was quite happy where she was. They had to use a vacuum method to get her out.

Her first breath took mine away. Hearing her wail and cry. She came into this world weighing in at a healthy 8lbs 10 oz born at 11:28 a.m. at Inova Alexandria Hospital on Sept. 3, 2015. Her apgar scores were all 9s. Which is apparently the best you can get, its a scale of 1-10 but all babies have blue fingers and toes when they are born and coloring is one of the points. The anesthesiologist nurse was amazing and took about 100 photos of her, my mom and I.

I couldn't hold her just yet as I was still being put back together. I rubbed BB's cheek, welcomed her to this world and thought she was perfect. I had been worrying about her movement inside, kick counts, and paranoid when I didn't feel her move. I thought that paranoia would end. Nope, it got worse. She was blinking rapidly and the nurse said she was trying to open her eyes but it was just too bright, so we shaded her from the light with the blue operating curtain and she opened her eyes wide, it was as if the vast blue ocean was looking back at me through her eyes and she had curly blonde hair! The same color as mine. We have the same nose, she has Dutch's eyes and face shape. There was a moment when my mom was holding her and she didn't blink and I didn't see her breathe and I had a panic attack something was wrong, she took a deep breathe in and I realized that paranoia would never go away.

When the doctors were finished I was told to put my arms over my shoulders like a mummy and was rolled from side to side and put onto a gurney to go back to the PACU for recovery. They told me I would feel like I was about to fall off, they were not kidding! Thy recommended I close my eyes and that helped immensely. I got to hold BB on the way there. When babies stick out their tongue and turn their heads it means they are hungry so I got to feed BB her very first bottle.

I ate some crackers and drank some juice and got to be wheeled to the hospital room an hour after recovery. We got rolled right past the waiting room where Sarah, Dad and Katie were, we waved and they met us up in room 3006. I told the nurse i was impressed with her ability to roll the bed around and not hit anything. She asked me if i showered that day.. "yes?" Your hair smells really good she told me. At first i thought... do your patients not shower? I figured a lot of them are probably in labor for a really long time and sweaty and exhausted by the time they get rolled to their rooms. I had taken a very long shower that morning to try to enjoy it knowing it may be my last pain free shower for a couple of months.

Dad, Katie, Sarah, Mom and I sat in the hospital room for a few hours holding BB , she was awake and alert. I had text photos to Macii and Tom, they were really sweet and Karen had told them we would text them when we were ready for them to come to the hospital. This gave us a chance to meet and bond with BB a bit before Macii and Tom arrived. I still couldn't move my legs or my toes but I was happy I was in absolutely no pain. yay drugs!

 As it got a little closer to dinner we asked Tom and Macii to come on over :)

Filling out Documents and Hospital Plans

Things you should expect to fill out after contacting an adoption agency:

- Birth Parent Native American Form: If a potential birth mother is enrolled in an Native American or Native Alaskan tribe, the tribe would have to agree to the placement if the birth mother plans to place the child with adoptive parents who are not members of the tribe. Each Tribe Handles it differently

- Medically Diagnosed Conditions
- Release of Information Forms - this lets the agency receive your medical information to prove you are pregnant, and that they can have the information for permission to work with the hospital

- Drug and Alcohol use during pregnancy (I was lucky in that I do not smoke or do any drugs and I have never been much of a drinker)

- Social History - all about me, my job, where I live, what I love to do, my family, favorite color, economic status, religious beliefs, everything and anything about me

- Budget Form - some agencies will pay for your time off and medical expenses

- Communications Plan - in what way and how often do you want to communicate with the adoptive family, they sign off on this after you create it

- Match Agreement- you agree to place your child with the person/couple you chose

- Hospital Plan - this was I think the most significant to me, and one that made me feel the most overwhelmed. Karen sent one to all my nurses, doctors and social workers at the hospital so they would know what I wanted. I also brought extra copies for anyone who missed the memo.

Who will be in the room during labor? My mom.
Who will be with you in your delivery room? Mom
Would you like to hold the baby right after delivery? Yes. I want skin to skin contact.
Who would you like to cut the baby's cord? The doctor, please.

Discharge: The baby will be discharged to the adoptive parents, thus the hospital will be provided a copy of the entrusted agreement.
-Would like the baby and Jacqueline to be discharged at the same time to leave the hospital together.
- Jacqueline will sign documents provided by the hospital to aide in the care and discharge of the baby to the adoptive parents.

Do you want to see your baby? Hold the baby? Feed the baby? Change the baby? Yes, Jacqueline will provide primary care, the adoptive parents will join her especially during meal time to share meals together.

Who will receive the second bracelet: The adoptive mother. This may change to Dutch or Jacqueline's mother depending on who is there and if the adoptive parents will be provided a room at the hospital.

Are the adoptive parents allowed in your hospital room? Yes, a balance of spending time with them, alone time with the baby, alone time with the baby and her family.

Who is allowed to visit? Mom. Dad. Sister. Dutch. Biological mother. Friend Sarah. Adoptive parents. Karen, agency director. Mark McDermott - lawyer.

What will be the baby's name? The child was named together by birth mom and adoptive parents. Under no circumstances should the baby be given the adoptive parent's last name.

Do you agree to the child receiving the Hep B Shot? Yes

Do you wish to keep any mementos? Yes, Jacqueline will keep all mementos and gift them to her daughter at a later date. If copies can be made, adoptive parents would like to receive a copy of the baby's footprints and crib card if possible.


It's a lot to think about. My choices were what was best for me, not necessarily what is best for anyone else.

A letter to my daughter's parents

I wanted to ease Macii's and Tom's fears about the adoption, about our relationship, about everything. So I wrote this letter to them and gave it to them in the hospital on the first night.  

Dearest Macii and Tom,

I have been trying to decide on a gift to give you both to show my appreciation and love for not just choosing adoption, but choosing me as a birth mom and for giving BB the absolute best life that I am unable to at this time. When Tom talked about proposing and Macii had that list of five things, a written letter just seemed the right way to go. We've traveled the road of adoption together, with respect, honesty and some wonderful humor. We've shared our hopes, our fears and our dreams for this baby we all love.

One of my biggest fears is that I will not be emotionally able to celebrate with you both in the way I want when BB is born, please know I am just so happy for you! I know as surely as I know my own name that you are meant to be BB's parents. I don't have a single doubt.

The most surprising thing for me during this adoption journey is how much the decision has affected more than just me. She has a birth mother, great grandparents, grandparents, an Aunt and friends who love her and will miss her to the depths of their souls. Even though there will be sadness, there is so much more to be happy about, she is gaining much more.

She has soo much more love, and not less. She has two parents instead of one, parents who love her unconditionally and want her more than anything before she ever came into existence. In my eyes, you will always be her Mom and Dad. That thought brings me happiness. She will have two parents who love each other so very much and both of your families who already know and love her as one of their own, even though they have yet to meet. There is something so beautiful about that.

I know there has been an immense amount of pressure for you both that comes with this process, choosing an agency, jumping through hoops with that agency emotionally, financially and legally. I also know there will be an immense amount of pressure to be perfect as you go through more checks.

I hope to lift some of that pressure from your shoulders. I know that there is no telling what is ahead:  unemployment, divorce, or disease.. all things I hope you never have to experience but I know there are so many ebbs and flows of ordinary life.  Like any other family, you will manage some days better than others, but it will never be my expectation for you to be perfect. I'm certainly not!

I would love for you to think of me and my family as extended family to BB, we're forever in her corner, and forever in yours. We want to celebrate with you over milestones and want to cry with you over scraped knees and any troubles. I also don't want to interfere with your parenting, so if I or anyone comes on too strong please feel free to ask for more space at any time.

I also want to make you a promise that BB is yours. I will not change my mind between the day of her birth and the legal day of her adoption. I know that you must be living with the fear that I could change my mind.  I'm also scared... scared that after the adoption my family and I may ask too much or be too overbearing and could lose contact, please feel free to be as open and direct with us as to what makes you comfortable and if there is anything you are not comfortable with.

It seems these days people are much more supportive of adoption, but growing up as an adoptee, I do have some advice. Ignore anyone who says anything to you about not being her "real" parents or that she will be confused as to who her "real" parents are. You are her parents, it's just that simple. You will feed her, dress her, bathe her, read to her, sing songs to her, play with her, teach her give her hugs and kisses, tend to her boo-boos, take care of her when she is sick, listen when she talks and make sure she's happy and healthy and smart. No confusion there! My mom was afraid she would be replaced when I started a relationship with my biological mom, I told her she is my mom. It is that simple. She has given me an entire lifetime of parenting and love, that can't be replaced.

Should Dutch ever decide to come around, and I hope for BB's sake he does, I would say the same thing to Tom, you are her dad, you are not replaceable. It is that simple.

My hopes for you as a family:

I hope this is just one of many amazing life changing experiences.

I hope you hear over and over again how you will be amazing parents.

I hope you believe it because it is true.

I hope for strength in times of sadness.

I hope that the three of you will have a love for life, to treasure every glorious minute of it.

I hope you never really grow up.

I hope you will write, and take pictures.

I hope for nothing but love, success and endless blessings.

Thank you for being a blessing to my life, but more importantly to BB.

Love,

Jacquie

Adoption and the Law

So this will probably be the most confusing post and least helpful.

Would you be surprised to learn there is no American adoption law that applies to all adoptions in the U.S.? Domestic adoption only exists because each state has a statute allowing adoption. Each state handles adoptions differently,

Each state has very different laws, each organization has different hoops to jump through. My options were to have the adoption go through North Dakota or Virginia. Here's the break down:

VIRGINIA:
Baby can not be taken sooner than 72 hours after the baby is born.
In court, you and the adoptive parents must be present.

For the Father:
Consent may be taken before birth.
Unsure about if the father needs to be present.

Revocable for the Mother:
Up to 10 days after birth assuming you go to court between 7 and 10 days.

Revocable for the Father:
A letter is sent to the father with notice of the hearing, 10 days from the date the letter was mailed, it's irrevocable.

Counseling Requirement:
Must meet with a social worker from an adoption agency in VA to complete a Report of Joint Counseling

NORTH DAKOTA: 
Consent for the Mother:
Not taken sooner than 48 hours after the child's birth.
Consent may be taken in court in person or by phone.


Consent for the Father:
No sooner than 48 hours after the child's birth
Same applies, if he isn't available for the hearing via phone, he will receive notice of the hearing and if he does not attend, his rights will be terminated based on failure to take action.

Revocable for the Mother:
Once you appear in court which is usually within one week following birth, depending on the court calendar and holidays.

Revocable for the Father:
Same applies. Once you appear in court which is usually within one week following birth, depending on the court calendar and holidays.

Counseling Requirement:
Forms are updated based on the counseling completed by my social worker throughout the process.

I chose North Dakota for reasons that worked best for me.

I also signed all my rights away before she was born. North Dakota needed the paperwork to schedule the court hearing, so it was not final but needed to get the case on the docket.

BB was born Sept. 3 and I called into the court hearing on Sept. 11. It was a sad day for a lot of reasons. Sitting there watching the news and documentaries on Sept. 11 just before calling into the court probably wasn't the best idea. I don't think I got out of bed that day, and that's ok.

They asked me if I was entering into it voluntarily, if I thought Tom and Marcii would be good parents, if I thought they would be good parents for BB's entire life, and again if I entered into this voluntarily. I did. It lasted maybe 10 minutes.

Dutch had his court date a couple weeks after mine. He was a no call no show.

Something else I didn't know as a birth mom:

ICPC - Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. Before ICPC existed, if a North Dakota family adopted a child born in Virginia, Virginia could not apply its own adoption laws. If something went wrong with the placement, the state of Virginia could not do anything about it.

The ICPC aims to facilitate cooperation between states and to ensure the placement of children in safe and suitable homes. To accomplish these goals, the states endowed themselves with expanded jurisdictional powers and the authority to require advance approval before adopted children enter or leave their state.


Basically this meant Tom and Macii had to submit a bunch of paperwork and then when BB was born, they had to wait up to two weeks for the paperwork to be approved. They would be stuck in Virginia up to two weeks with BB after placing her with them.

My understanding on this last part is fuzzy, but now that Tom and Macii are home there is a six month evaluation period to see if they bond with the baby and if everything goes well, the adoption can be finalized in six months.

The biological father.

I have been holding off on writing this post, but he plays an important part of BB's story.I wasn't going to protect his name, but I'll just use a nickname. Dutch.

We first met on Andrews Air Force Base just before Obama’s second inauguration in 2012, he was working, getting everything ready for his section to march in the inauguration. A very handsome, intelligent and funny sailor with the most striking blue eyes. We were on and off for about a year and half. I’d always be the one to call it off. We fought about the same things every time, both working and going in too many directions to make time for the other and not seeing each other enough.

We both would argue the other wouldn’t make the relationship a priority and wouldn't make spending time together a priority. We would both argue our point of views. I’m sure we both believed we were putting forth our best effort and the other wasn’t. Could I have done better? Absolutely, but it's exhausting feeling like you are always the one reaching out and it's not reciprocated.

He made a comment once that in a relationship, sometimes you give 100% and sometimes you take 100% and he needed 100% support from me. I wanted to reply that I was too busy dealing with my Dad's cancer, my aunt's cancer and my grandfather's dementia to support him. Where was my support?

We reconnected before he left for a deployment to Bahrain. I sent care packages and letters and looked forward to his return. He never wrote a letter in return but he surprised me at work one day when he got home. Things were going really well. I had even bought him a Breitling watch as a Birthday/Valentines Day/New Years/Anniversary gift as they all fell around the same time. I also wanted to show him that despite always being the one to back out of the relationship, that I was serious about him. Dumb dumb dumb. Don’t google how much a Breitling watch costs. He never even wore it; he just kept it in the box and put in the safe.

We went to a wedding together, went to a Cardinals baseball game with my dad, had a good time hanging out watching an MMA fight with my gym, met my friends at a winery, played softball together and would try to take the motorcycles out together. Things were going well.

Then our schedules began to get worse for work and I was getting really frustrated, as was he. He was the second person I told about being pregnant, my mom being the first. I went over to his place and told him we need to talk. He talked all about his day and projects and got around to my news. He got very quiet and I cried a lot. We decided we would look into all the options. We also agreed we weren’t in a good place to parent together. We both had a lot of questions without answers.

It escalated into a very ugly argument, he made a comment along the lines of “I can’t stand it… with you just sitting there breathing. You came here to talk.” So I grabbed my shoes and couldn’t get out of there fast enough. 

I had my ultrasound about being 32 weeks pregnant two days later. We just had a conversation over text because I could not emotionally take another argument. We decided with the new information adoption was the best process.

I did all the research to pick an adoption agency, I wrote him emails to keep him in the loop with my decisions. We both agreed on the parents for our daughter. I gave him the information to call in for the phone interview with the potential parents. I was really disappointed he didn’t, but I was also happy because I was worried he and I would get into an argument during the call, so I was also relieved he didn’t participate.

I didn’t hear from him after that, I didn’t get replies to emails and told him I would be happy to update him if he asked. He never asked. He didn’t respond to the photos of her being born.

He did reply two weeks after her birth about how embarrassing it was that the court was trying to serve him papers and embarrassed him his first week at his new command. I found out from him why he didn’t participate by a simple statement of him saying he didn’t think he was the father.

If he thought that... why would he not accuse me of cheating? Why would he not ask for a paternity test? Why would he participate in the discussion of what to do? Why would he look at the parent profile and choose one with me?

If I had known that was his hang-up I would have been happy to offer a paternity test. It boggles my mind how he could just vanish. 

He finally was served papers, he was a no call no show. His rights were terminated with mine and the adoption can move forward.I'll make my next post about how the legalities worked.

I don’t expect to hear from him again.  I’ll probably bump into him through work because we work in similar circles. I’ll just ignore him, no reason to make the situation uncomfortable for anyone else in a professional setting.

I hope he changes his mind one day. The hardest part for me is how am I going explain to BB that her biological father didn’t want a relationship with her, but through no fault of her own. That bothers me the most. She has so many features that resemble his, especially as she gets older.

A friend told me, that sometimes the best thing someone can do is not be in their life. He knows Dutch, so that struck a cord with me, and it may be true. 

I hope he will come around, I doubt it though. I will cross that bridge when I get there. My dad made a good point, that if Dutch does want a relationship with BB, that is between them and I don’t have to be involved. I have my relationship with her and Dutch can have his own relationship with her and they don’t have to intersect.

I miss a lot of things about him. I miss the idea of what could have been and what I thought he could be the most. 

It’s probably weird that I still love him. I’m sure I always will, but I can do that from a distance in my memory. He’s not the person I thought he was.