My new favorite part of the holidays? More updates than usual! I asked Macii if she minded that I post these, they are too adorable not too! BB is now 13 lbs. 9 oz. and 24 inches long.
I was just so touched and overjoyed when I received this photo, this is one of the Halloween costumes I sent Tom and Macii. Tom even dressed up as one of the 7 dwarfs!
This is the photo I have of her on my desk at work :)
While I was doing some reading on my flight to St. Louis, several adoptive parents mentioned in letters to their agency wanting to know how their birth mother and her family were doing. It reminds me that it's just as important to share photos from my adventures and family events as it is for them to share photos.
You truly become an extended family, you care about each other. On our Facebook page where we keep in touch, I posted my favorite photos my grandmother shared with me to show BB what her Great Grandparents looked like when they were 18-19 years old.
We spent quite a bit of our time in St. Louis with my grandfather at his assisted living home. He has made a tremendous rebound. I mentioned to my dad how we had been making contingency plans for when BB was born if my grandfather passed away, he would go there and mom would stay with me.
Instead, we got to surprise him with a Christmas gift, a mini-fridge for his room so that he can offer beverages to people who visit him. The family also got him set up with a reclining chair that has an electric button to recline the seat since he no longer has the strength to push the foot rest down.
A month ago we had made a plan to tell him about BB over Thanksgiving. For some reason, I couldn't tell him and hold it together. He would want to meet her and may not understand why she wasn't with me.
I told my dad if he felt it was right, I would like him to tell grandpa. He decided it was not a good idea, that it would just cause more confusion than anything. Dementia / Alzheimers is the worst kind of thief. Could you imagine your family making the decision not to tell you about your first great-grandchild because they didn't think you were mentally capable of handling it? It seems so wrong to me, but at the same time I didn't want to upset him. He forgets how to use tools, how to use the phone, and has a really hard time with understanding time. Why would I want to make that worse for him?
Here he is about 18 years old :)
My grandmother at the same age :)
My grandfather with my sister and I when we were younger.
My Aunt Jan, Grandpa Rich and my dad Rick, Thanksgiving 2015.
I recently wrote a post about the very close relationship I have with my birth mom Erica and her side of the family, this one is about the relationship I have, or lack there-of with my biological father Jeff.
Sharp looking young Marine isn't he?
I don't know why, but I didn't think or wonder about him as much as I did my birth mom growing up. My understanding was that he asked Erica to marry him and offered to raise me together, but she declined knowing they could barely take care of themselves as teenagers, let alone a newborn.
I met him for the first time during that same trip to Idaho to meet my birth mom and her side of the family. My dad never seemed panicked or worried about what my relationship with Jeff was or what it had the opportunity to become. I wonder if he hid that from me, or he just understood that the same way a parent can love multiple children, a child can love multiple parents.
We met at an Outback Steakhouse the last night of our trip. I didn't realize I was pacing in the hotel room until my sister and Reba told me to sit down, that I was wearing tread marks into the carpet.
When we walked up, he was walking out the door. I still have a feeling that had he not run into us on his way out, he may have left. He mentioned wanting to get a few photo albums from the car. During the dinner conversation I learned he was married and had two daughters, but had never told them about me because they were too young to understand. They are both in college now, they still don't know.
We flipped through albums of his pictures from his military days as a broadcaster and later as a country music radio DJ. We took a few pictures and said our goodbyes.
These are absolutely awful quality. Maybe someday I'll find the actual ones.
(Mom, me, Dad, Katie, Reba)
(My biological father Jeff, Me)
(My biological father, me, my Dad)
I met him in a similar situation a few years later at a Red Robin before my flight home. I met his wife Leslie who was very kind and mentioned they were very proud of the person I am. Jeff took me to a store and introduced me to his old co-workers. With a lot of hesitation, I was introduced as a family friend. It was like a punch to the gut.
We became friends on Facebook and I get to see photos of my sisters as they grow up. It did help when I developed little tumors in my sinus cavities to have him and my birth mom to ask about if it ran in their families. That was a first for me! Normally when I was asked, "Does such and such run in your family?" I'd always have to respond, "Well, I don't really know. I'm adopted."
I messaged him in 2010 explaining the diagnosis I had been given along with some additional information on some broadcasting work I got to do at work.
"and if there's such a thing as good broadcaster genes... i think ya passed em down :) with my boss deployed ive been doing the podcast and updating our information hotline... updated it today, and a few other recording type things, ive really been enjoying putting my broadcast writing skills to use!"
and he replied, "I'm glad that everything looks like it's going to be ok. If there is such a thing as good broadcaster genes they were handed down to me from my dad who works radio as well, I'm glad your enjoying it, it can be a lot of fun. Never been to Vegas, but everyone I've talked to that has been has had fun. I'm proud of ya, keep up the great things you are doing."
We messaged a bit back and forth and I asked if he could fit a quick visit into my travel itinerary. He replied, "Hey there! I sure would like to see you, but unfortunatly I will be swamped that time of year, (sports broadcasting) I hope you have a fantstic trip, and with any luck I will catch up to you next time through. I have been having fun keeping up with you reading your posts. your a busy young lady."
I started to send him Happy Father's Day messages, as I would send Happy Mother's Day messages to Erica. That turned into him messaging me annually on my birthday. The last message we sent was a birthday conversation in 2013.
On Sept. 18 this year, this was our conversation:
Reading the story you wrote took me back to when Erica and I had to make the same decision. A little different in the aspect of we were just teens but the same kind of thoughts went into it. She was a very strong woman and had a lot to deal with and I didn't help a whole lot when I look back. I was scared and angry and confused and a thousand other emotions. I have always been impressed with the kind of person you have become. We don't talk a lot because I feel that I played just a small part in your life. Maybe I'm wrong I don't know but I never felt it was my place to interfere in your world, I didn't have the right. But I want you to know that you do impress me Jacqueline, a lot. I thought you should know that.
Sep 18th, 6:14pm Hi. Thank you for reading that. If I remember correctly through a letter Erica wrote...you had proposed and she didn't feel she could take care of herself let alone take care of a baby. (feel free to correct me if I don't have that right) but it does help to hear the emotions you went through to help me understand how someone I dated for 3 years on and off can just stop communicating.
I understand not wanting to interfere, but I do think you having a role in half of my genetics gives you a right to be a part of my life. The most surprising part of this for me has been how much the decision has affected other people. My family has been supportive but I didn't make the decision they wanted. They offered to retire early to help me take care of her. Thankfully I had an opportunity to introduce them to the couple Dutch and I chose, and my parents loved them immediately and could relate to how badly they wanted to be parents.
My parents, sister, friends, Erica, and her family are invited to be a part of my visits with her so she can always have that relationship. (you are more than welcome as well). It's extremely open and her parents philosophy is why deny a child to be loved more? I know the stigmas with a child out of wedlock were much different then compared to now, and heard that Gpa Rob had one hell of a temper about it and how disappointed Gma Mary was. Going through this I realized I don't even know the names of your parents, wondered if they even knew and was thankful you've taken more of a role than Dutch has, he probably won't ever tell anyone and she won't have an opportunity to know him and his family.
I do hold some resentment about your daughters not knowing, but I figured that is your decision and not for me to interfere with. I've read a lot of articles about how closed adoptions are not really possible now because of social media and people reaching out to siblings and biological family. I don't agree that its the best way for someone to find out, but learning how the relationships develop is comforting. I am really thankful for being able to meet you and then later see you and meet Leslie. I also really appreciate you reaching out, I hope nothing I said came off as offensive or hurt your feelings, it wasn't intended to but I do appreciate the opportunity to hear your thoughts and say things that have been on my mind in regards to our own relationship. Also, thank you for the compliment that I impress you, nurture plays I think a larger part in someone's life but the genetic nature part can never be denied.
I've always enjoyed that I ended up in Public Affairs and love being around the old broadcasters, doing radio casts for Belvoir would always make me feel somewhat connected to you knowing your past. So I hope you can take some pride in having a part in that! Also, I know I'm biased.. but we've got some good genes! I've never been a baby person and I think BB couldn't have been more adorable or perfect.
He never replied to that, and heck I don't even know if he read it, but I do know I've been thankful for the opportunity to have those conversations. The opportunity would not have been there without BB's existence.
The part that has made me the most anxious about BB's adoption is that she may grow up having the same resentment towards Dutch that I had towards Jeff. When we were discussing adoption and Dutch was asking me more about my own experiences, I mentioned having a lot of resentment towards my biological father. That didn't prevent him from repeating the cycle, and at least Jeff claimed me and was at the court date. I saw letters between him and the agency asking how I was doing and he would request updated photos.
I struggle the most with how do I even begin to explain to BB that her biological father wants nothing to do with her, through absolutely no fault of her own. Then my friend's voice pops up in my head that sometimes the best thing someone can do.. is be absent.
BB has the most amazing parents and she's exactly where she is meant to be. With a wonderful mother and father who love each other very much and who I know love her unconditionally. I couldn't provide that on my own. If BB grows up resenting Dutch, if she searches him out one day, she would do so whether or not I had decided to keep her.
Kids grow into adults who have all kinds of resentment and abandonment issues, whether they are adopted or not, I hope that the love and security from her parents will prevent her from experiencing any of that, but that may be unrealistic thinking. That's alright, I will always want the absolute best for her.
(The left center photos are the only pictures I had of Jeff, that and a catholic necklace he had given to Erica)
When looking for these photos, I couldn't help but smile and think.. at least history doesn't ALWAYS repeat itself. (What is is about a Marine in his dress blues? Chris and I dated for a bit, no baby though!) Like I said.. I'm thankful history does not always repeat itself sometimes.
If you haven't read my first post I recommend starting here, then come back and read this :)
It was my senior year of high school, I had just turned 18 and I received a large package in the mail from my birth mom Erica. It contained all the answers to questions I had growing up, medical history, news that I had a half brother and sister, two aunts, information on my grandparents, family history.. you name it.
My mom became very panicky and flighty, she felt threatened and was worried about these new relationships in my life. I told her that she has always been my mom, will always be my mom and there was no changing that. It helped her to hear that.
I began to e-mail and write letters with everyone in the family.
(My sister Katie, family friend Reba, Mom, Dad at Inspiration Point in Yellowstone)
My entire family and Reba (a good family friend who had been living with us) took a trip out West July 2004. Our first stop was Idaho to meet my family. I remember hopping out of that minivan and receiving one of the tightest warmest embraces I've ever had from my birth mom Erica. I remember her holding my hand and not letting go, I loved it.
(My birth mom Erica and I)
I met my brother J.C. and sister Amber. We were already taking cheap shots at each other by the end of the day.... as if we had been siblings our entire lives. We played with the dogs and cats and checked out their pawn / gun shop in Lewiston. We spent the 4th of July together watching fireworks.
(My sister Amber, Me, Reba, Katie, my brother J.C.)
We all headed out to the family ranch to meet up with my Aunt Robin, her husband Jeremy, Aunt Andrea, her husband Dave, Grandma Mary and Grandpa Rob. My grandparents still had cattle at the time and it's a life style you can't just leave.
Frisbee the bull
A wild mustang just hanging out on the property.. no big deal!
There was a bear trap Grandpa Rob tried to pull off as a mouse trap... he's a jokester. It was really neat getting to look at all the family photos and hear Grandma's stories. The moment my feet touched the ground there, it felt as I reconnected to the land. It felt like roots uncurled from my feet and were embraced by the soil.
(Aunt Robin, Grandpa Rob, Grandma Mary. Can ya tell he's a jokester? LOVE THEM!)
Growing up a military brat I always felt home was just where your family was, but this felt different. It was if a small piece of me had been left there and a puzzle piece that I wasn't aware had gone missing decided, magnetically reconnected the moment my foot crunched into the dirt. I wonder if that's a normal feeling for other adoptees who reconnect with their biological families.
Taking it all in.
I also enjoyed that I looked like I belonged. My mom and sister have smaller builds, dark black curly hair and blue eyes. I'm don't have a smaller build, blonde hair and green eyes. I resemble my dad's side of the family a little bit, but never enough to feel like I fit in.
My birth mom, Erica.We look like each other :)
I've never considered genetics to be a factor in defining family, family is who you love unconditionally and who loves you unconditionally, but looking like a family was a new experience for me.
As our visit came to an end my grandmother said to just think of everyone as extended family, and I do. They are my aunts and my grandparents and my brother and my sister, my birth mom. They are my family.
(My beautiful grandmother, and handsome grandfather)
I had moments I had wished I had grown up around horses, my siblings, and my aunts and in Idaho, but I wouldn't have had all the experiences I did growing up, all the opportunities, all the love. I don't think I would have led such a secure, sheltered life. I'm thankful for the selfless decision my birth mom made. I get to have the best of both worlds.
My anxiety and panic attacks had ended by that point. I'll never really be sure if it was because puberty was over, I had learned how to cope through therapy, I learned how to step up with a lot of responsibility while working and going to school at the same time or subconsciously I felt whole after getting to meet my family. I would argue the answer would be D.) all the above.
I met my biological father the night before leaving Idaho. I'll save that for another post.
We went to Glacier National Park and Yellowstone after leaving Idaho. It was a trip of a life time! A time to meet and reconnect with my biological family but a time to bond and make new experiences with my family.
Yellowstone National Park
Lake Jenny, Glacier National Park
Since that trip, I visited Idaho a couple of years later on my own. My dad says the same fears came back to my mom. My mom said she wondered if having contact with Erica throughout the years would have prevented that. Perhaps. She was afraid of being replaced, that I would go there and never want to come home.
My brother and sister came out to visit me in D.C. for my college graduation in 2007. I spent two weeks in Alaska with my brother when he was stationed there. My birth mom came out to visit and I showed her all over D.C., introduced her to my friends and got to show her a bit of my world. A world that would not have been possible without her.
I e-mail with everyone and text with Erica, we're all connected on Facebook.
I reached out to them with the news about my pregnancy. My Aunt Andrea was a rock, my sister gave me a perspective that only she could about the difficulties and rewards of being a single mom, I had nothing but support. Aunt Robin has been going through some tough times and we were able to support each other upon our return.
The amazing thing? My mom needed a lot of support that I was unable to give her, Grandma Mary and Erica were there for her. I'm so thankful for that. I hope they all get to meet BB one day.
I understand the fears associated with open adoption. My own adoption was only semi-open, but why rob yourself of those relationships, those experiences? If it's for health and safety reasons, that makes sense, but there's healthy and safe ways to address those relationships as well. We're all human, we all make mistakes.
Immediately friends were saying, "get back out there!" Others would say, "take your time, it's too soon."
I decided to go for it. I like the person that I am today. Right now. This minute. I can enjoy the solitude of my own company just as much as I do when I'm with others. I don't need someone to fill a a void. By choice, I spent today with me (and my dog). I woke up, I decided not to go for that hike by myself (didn't beat myself up about it). I cleaned, had a dance party in the kitchen while cooking, did laundry, had a full on dance party in the jeep to Flo Rida's "Welcome to my House!" while driving to see the Mocking Jay Part 2 alone. I cried a lot during that movie, I don't know if it was because there was so much loss, or PMS or what.
Cam's song "Burning House" came on during my drive home. I really related to the lyrics:
"See you at a party and you look the same.
I could take you back but people don't ever change.
Wish that we could go back in time,
I'd be the one you thought you'd find."
Of course after that Adele's "Hello" came on, and I have been relating to these lyrics:
Hello, it's me.
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya
But I ain't done much healing
Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be...
Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California dreaming and the world fell at our feet
There's such a difference between us
And a million miles
Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry
For everything that I've done
But when I call you never
Seem to be home
Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry
For breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly
Doesn't tear you apart anymore
It may seem like I'm dwelling on Dutch, but I like that I can think of him without getting angry now. I'm taking really good care of myself again, my mileage is upping every week, I've reconnected with a lot of people, I'm eating well, so all of those things together told me i'm in a good place to date again.
Before all of this, I considered myself a good catch: kind, caring, sarcastic, cute, active, educated, great job, open minded, always up for an adventure, good cook, animal lover.. no baggage. Never married, no kids. I never minded dating people who did, but it's harder to find that the older you become.
I jumped into the world of tinder and pof. You have to fill out questionnaires. "Do you have kids?" How do I answer that? I have a daughter, but i'm not raising her.
Enter Corey. We had some work events that tied us together before even really talking but he's cute, could hold a conversation about dogs, music, tattoos, piercings, books, movies, vacations, visiting Colorado, going to concerts at Red Rocks, instruments, you name it. He said to me, "I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but I'm a single dad. I know that's a deal breaker for a lot people and figured I'd let you know before you agree to dinner." I told him it wasn't a deal breaker for me at all. Then it happened. I had no filter and I told everything about what I had just gone through. He told me it wasn't a deal breaker for him at all, that it must have been incredibly hard and that he supported my decision.
We started seeing each other once a week, twice a week, three times a week. It's obvious when someone wants to spend time with you, they really make an effort. It had been a long time since I felt valued and wanted like that. Gotham became "our show" to watch. It was never awkward, it was magnetic and comfortable. I met his family and friends the first week. He was incredibly affectionate. No secrets between us. He wanted to see something on my phone, I gave him the pass code. Nothing to hide. He unlocked his. No secrets. It wasn't to check on each other, just to show we had nothing to hide. It's such a secure feeling to be that open with someone. I invited him to a Halloween Party to meet Sarah and her boyfriend Dan, two people in my life right now that mean the world to me. Corey waited until the last minute and trusted me to make his costume out of construction paper and ended up winning 3rd place. It was an amazing time!
After Halloween, there were a few things that just didn't sit right with me, and that's between him and I. Because of those things neither one of us was exclusively dating the other and I decided if I was willing to date other people, that meant Corey wasn't my first choice. I wouldn't want to be someone's second choice. I wasn't going to make him my second choice.
He was kind and gracious when I ended it. He even asked if I would let him know if things changed and asked if we could still chat occasionally. I didn't hesitate to say yes to both.
He may have been a rebound after Dutch, but really I think he was in my life to show me I can find what i'm looking for and be completely honest with my experiences and not have to fear the person leaving, and if they leave, that's on them. I don't need to hide anything.
I know who I am, I know what I stand for, I know my value and I know what I want from a relationship. I want to live a life I absolutely love. I don't need someone to feel happy, I just want someone to share the happiness and adventures with. That's how I knew I was ready, you'll know when you're ready too.
It doesn't matter what your friends and family think about when to date and who date and what is healthy or not healthy after a life changing experience. You'll know. If you mess it up? That's ok, we're all learning.
1. You are going to get an outrageous bill for the birth of your child. (unless you're covered under TRICARE ;)
2.
Insurance will say.. who the heck is this person? We don't have them on
your insurance. They better be added within 30 days of birth!
3. Call insurance to add new daughter, insurance says.. call your work to have her added
4. I call Human Resources, they need her social security number.
5. Social security number does not come in until 5 weeks after birth this is PAST the 30 day mark.
6.
Work through government bureaucracy to find out what level of person I
need to speak to. My office is too low, headquarters is too high. Who
the heck is even in the middle? Call the wrong offices no less than five
times.
7. FINALLY find the correct office. Call, E-mail and Fax information over. If nothing else, i'm persistent!
8. Pray, beg and argue that you won't have to pay $8,558.
9. Login
to insurance to get number to call them and report everything you just
did. Have second panic attack over a new claim for $1,150... for
something you don't even recognize! Repeat this with a $2,220.00 claim.
10. Be prepared.. when HR does finally get your daughter added, they will take retro pay from your salary to cover the "family plan expenses" that back date to her birth.
Questions that came up in my mind:
1.
Do I need to send her insurance information to her parents so it can
cover their pediatrician visits? I wouldn't want them to be paying out
of pocket.(I did, just in case.)
2. Is she covered by them or me until the adoption is final?
3.
I wonder how you remove a child from your policy once the adoption is
final. I am in no rush to go through that again but yeesh!
So the first three appointments are from when I was really sick and they couldn't figure out my cough. 7/06 was the follow up and finding out I pregnant. 7/08 was the first sonogram. Never ending doctor's appointments until her birth on 9/3/15, but this gives you an idea:
09/05/15
(Daughter)
PEDIATRIX MEDICAL GROUP, P.C.
Completed
$479.00
9/04/15
(Daughter)
PEDIATRIX MEDICAL GROUP, P.C.
Completed
$262.00
09/04/15
JACQUELINE (You)
NORTH AMERICAN PARTNERS IN ANESTHESIA (VIRGINIA),
Completed
$400.00
09/03/15
JACQUELINE (You)
NORTH AMERICAN PARTNERS IN ANESTHESIA (VIRGINIA),
Completed
$2,500.00
09/03/15
JACQUELINE (You)
GWU MEDICAL FACULTY ASSOCIATES
Completed
$6,200.00
09/03/15
(Daughter)
PEDIATRIX MEDICAL GROUP, P.C.
Completed
$625.00
09/03/15
(Daughter)
PEDIATRIX MEDICAL GROUP, P.C.
Completed
$468.00
09/03/15
JACQUELINE (You)
DISPENZA, WALTERS AND BURNS
Completed
$1,150.00
09/03/15
JACQUELINE (You)
INOVA ALEXANDRIA HOSPITAL
Completed
$8,558.00
08/27/15
JACQUELINE (You)
GWU MEDICAL FACULTY ASSOCIATES
Completed
$26.00
08/25/15
JACQUELINE (You)
NORBERTINA BANSON
Completed
$250.00
08/25/15
JACQUELINE (You)
SENTARA NORTHERN VIRGINIA MEDICAL CENTER
Completed
$620.00
08/19/15
JACQUELINE (You)
GWU MEDICAL FACULTY ASSOCIATES
Completed
$26.00
08/12/15
JACQUELINE (You)
GWU MEDICAL FACULTY ASSOCIATES
Completed
$26.00
08/06/15
JACQUELINE (You)
GWU MEDICAL FACULTY ASSOCIATES
Completed
$26.00
07/30/15
JACQUELINE (You)
NATALIE DEPCIK-SMITH
Completed
$30.00
07/30/15
JACQUELINE (You)
GWU MEDICAL FACULTY ASSOCIATES
Completed
$26.00
07/30/15
JACQUELINE (You)
JOHN PATRICK
Completed
$220.00
07/27/15
JACQUELINE (You)
KELLY ORZECHOWSKI
Completed
$521.41
07/27/15
JACQUELINE (You)
VIRGINIA HOSPITAL CENTER
Completed
$305.70
07/23/15
JACQUELINE (You)
GWU MEDICAL FACULTY ASSOCIATES
Completed
$26.00
07/16/15
JACQUELINE (You)
MARC SIEGEL
Completed
$314.00
07/16/15
JACQUELINE (You)
JOHN PATRICK
Completed
$297.00
07/16/15
JACQUELINE (You)
NATALIE DEPCIK-SMITH
Completed
$191.00
07/16/15
JACQUELINE (You)
NATALIE DEPCIK-SMITH
Completed
$226.00
07/08/15
JACQUELINE (You)
GAYATRI VADDADI
Completed
$125.00
07/08/15
JACQUELINE (You)
HENRY S. ROSE
Completed
$294.00
07/06/15
JACQUELINE (You)
GAYATRI VADDADI
Completed
$155.00
06/19/15
JACQUELINE (You)
GAYATRI VADDADI
Completed
$311.75
05/30/15
JACQUELINE (You)
QUEST DIAGNOSTICS INCORPORATED
Completed
$461.78
05/30/15
JACQUELINE (You)
PATIENT FIRST - MANASSAS
Completed
$389.00
Minus the $1500 bill and and $2200 bills I'm fighting, I'm really happy with my insurance and grateful for the help from Graceful Adoptions.
This is NOT how much I have had to pay. My total was around $900, but everyone's insurance varies.
On a more positive note, BB's dad text me
that BB attended her first meeting with a financial adviser and
that it was very exciting for her, especially for him. Just when I
don't think it's possible to love that family any more.. I find out it
is entirely possible!
Macii's parents reached out
to my parents with a beautiful letter. It also mentioned BB's
grandmother would be sewing her baptismal gown and asked if there was
any white fabric my mom would like to include. We couldn't find my
dress I was baptized in so we included some very pretty lace from my
mom's wedding veil. I haven't seen my mom that happy in a while. It
means a lot more than they could have ever known to ask that.
I would like to add I got scolded by my mother for not knowing where my baptism dress was.
I don't share this story with many, it feels embarrassing and something I'm not proud of, but I overcame it.
Mom.
The word is sacred. The word is for the one who changes diapers, bathes, sings-to, gives bottles, soothes tears and plays game with their child.
I've always had a way of hurting the people who love me unconditionally, is it because I subconsciously know they are stuck with me or because of some deep rooted trauma from being an adoptee and feel like I am unlovable and deserved to be placed. (I don't think that on a conscious level.)
The words came exploding from my mouth. "You are NOT my REAL mom!" If there was ever a sentence I wish I could take back, it would be that one. I'm pretty sure that's when I packed up my Little Mermaid suitcase and ran away. I didn't get far, it was raining and I hid behind the garbage can next to the house. I couldn't have been more than five years old.
I had a horrific temper, there were many days I would refuse to go to school and developed severe separation anxiety in elementary and middle school. It's a bit hard to separate it all.. was it due to my dad's deployments? I was and still am 100% daddy's girl. Was it due to being adopted? Was it genetic? Was it my environment? Was it due to hormones being out of balance during puberty? It's probably a combination of them all.
It had gotten to the point where my mom would have to physically drag me in to school and sit in the counselor's office every day to ensure I went to class and as a safety net for me.
It got the point where my dad had to remove my doors and they looked at inpatient psych wards. It was too much. My parents selected a school called American Day. It provided structured, personalized, clinically intensive
partial hospitalization programs and intensive outpatient programs for individuals 14 years and above with psychiatric and emotional
disorders. The group therapy programs are designed to serve those who
need the structure and intensity found in inpatient psychiatric programs
but who do not require 24-hour inpatient care. Basically I would be picked up in the morning, receive counseling along with regular classes and do my work from my regular school and then be dropped off at home.
I was 14. I remember crying for the first couple of days and being the youngest. A van would pick me up each morning. It was embarrassing to pass my friends in the van as they waited for a school bus. The boy on the van had a pet monkey. It's funny the things you remember. My family actually regrets that decision, I made friends with older kids who had a lot of disorders and drug habits.
I'm not sure what changed, but by the next year I rejoined my middle school classes and things went back to normal for the most part. I was taught about panic attacks, how to change thought patterns and relaxation techniques.
These days, I can't even relate to those emotions, I don't know that person who did those things.
Did this all stem from being adopted? "For me, being adopted was normal. knowing I was adopted was as natural
as having a belly button. It was just always there." - Madeline Melcher. I've always loved being adopted, being a little bit different, having my own thing.
Do adopted kids sometimes grow up and do horrible thing? Yep. You
know who else grows up and does horrible things? Non-adopted kids.But, i've been reading a lot of research about the separation of child from her birth
mother. That is is a traumatic event that deeply impacts the adoptee, creating
special needs that must be addressed throughout the adoptee’s life.
I learned there are two ways adoptees act out. One is compliant and one is rebellious. Some who act out will go to the extreme of running away from home,
threatening their adoptive parents, rebel academically and even attempt
suicide. A 2001 study shows that of teens in grades 7 through 12, 7.6%
of adopted teens had attempted suicide compared with 3% among their
non-adopted peers.
I never got to that point, but I understand getting to that point. I also bounced between compliant and rebellious.
"The adopted child who acts out, is, in essence, attempting to initiate
some form of rejection from parents, teachers, peers and others in order
to prove that she is unlovable or she finds herself rejecting these
same people prior to being rejected by them. This type of child is
obviously troubled and it is easy to identify as needing help. However,
parents and therapists often try to counsel the child into acting more
appropriately, instilling tough love or even unknowingly furthering the
child’s abandonment issues by sending them to boarding school, camp or
other such institutions." - The Psychology of Adoption Trauma and the Primal Wound
Sounds familiar huh?
"For the compliant child the situation can actually be much more
devastating. As a compliant child who is either not causing problems or
actually well engaged and visibly successful, she is not seen as having
any problems at all. Parents see this child as well adjusted to life,
including being adopted, and with no outwardly troubling signs of
concern, this child is often overlooked and not given any form of
counseling or assistance in dealing with life or emotional wounds. It is
difficult for anyone to see that the child who is often referred to as,
“mature for her age” or “pleasant and articulate,” is actually in equal
distress to the child who is acting out. Both are hurting, both are
devastated by the trauma of relinquishment and both have no way to
articulate, understand, contextualize or grieve the loss they have
endured." Adoptee View: What Can a Tiny Baby Know?
Continued from that blog:
"These two behavior types present themselves at various ages, though
adolescence is the most common time for them to reach their strongest
levels. Additionally, some may actually experience both behavior types,
switching from one to the other depending on their environment or
transition back and forth throughout maturity. Also noteworthy is that
no matter the age of adoption, infant through teen, all adoptees
essentially suffer from the same issues."
I feel for the author.. is it just dismissing responsibility of my actions and blaming it on being adopted? Would this have happened had I not been adopted?
I don't know the answer to that, but it's something others who are part of the adoption process can be aware of, whether a birth mom, adoptee or adoptive parent.
In my letter to Macii and Tom, a lot of the things I wrote to them were to help them expect some things that may happen that are not so pleasant, but if it does happen that BB can come out on the other side of it a wonderful and fully functioning adult.
These things also affected my choices in adoption, maybe in being more open we can prevent BB from going through some of the hard times I did, maybe we won't. I'll let you know how it turns out. I can only talk from my experience and the research that resonates with me.
If you have a story you would like to share, please feel free to contact me at Jacqueline.Leeker@gmail.com, with your permission, I'd love to share as many stories as possible and not only educate but help each other through adoption, something I consider a wonderful and beautiful thing. Is it perfect? No. Is it worth it? More than you could ever imagine.
(Landing at O'hare for a layover, check out Chicago's skyline)
This is another older post. Week six post- delivery I headed off to Arizona. Laura has been my friend longer than anyone else, she's family. Her husband was recently given orders to be stationed in Tucson, Arizona, on Davis-Monthan Air Force Base. I recommend each of you should take a trip out there to see the boneyard.. you won't regret it! The boneyard has more than 4,400 aircraft, which makes it the largest
aircraft storage and preservation facility in the world.They even give public tours.
(another window seat photo from the plane)
Laura had helped me through a lot during my pregnancy and never sugar coated anything. It was weird for her knowing I had been pregnant and given birth to a beautiful girl, yet here I was standing in front of her, no preggo belly and no baby, like nothing had happened. I had nothing to show for my experiences other than a C-section scar no thicker than a pencil line.
Being around her and her family has always been very healing for me. We rock out to music and talk about old times. I get to laugh and cuddle with her five year old son Corbin and her five year old nephew Christian. In her own way, she's adopted Christian into their lives to help give him everything he needs right now when his mom isn't in a place to be able to do that right now.
There were a few moments where Christian would reach for my hand or curl up to read a book and I thought about how I was going to miss out on those experiences with BB. I read those boys so many books one evening that my voice went hoarse. I loved it. It was also magical because it's rare to have two five-year old boys sit still at the same time for any amount of time let alone more than an hour or two.
Even through the moments of sadness I've never regretted my choice or questioned it.
Christian touring the boneyard :)
Out hiking in the Sonoran Desert.
Hiking up to Seven Falls
Can you see the teeny tiny people for reference?
Being out in the Desert was incredibly peaceful and healing.
At the Botanical Gardens in Tucson. The boys took this picture without cutting our heads off... haha!
Corbin and I rocking our sunglasses.
It was a sad flight home. I already missed the mountain views in any direction you would look and the wide open sky. I already missed my friend and her sweet family. I flew home with a beautiful blanket Laura crocheted for BB. I also lucked out having the middle seat open.
I cracked open my book, "Dear Birth Mother, Thank You for our Baby," and let the tears stream down my face as something I read resonated to my core. I doubt the waves of sadness will ever go completely away but I welcome those moments now. Next up: my return to work! *dun dun dun!*
My biggest news is I was asked to speak at The Adoption and Foster Care Expo at Carnegie Library in Washington D.C. on Dec. 5 from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.
I'll be participating in all three parent cafe sessions which give prospective parents the opportunity to meet foster, adoptive and birth parents. Karen is getting me hooked up with some business cards with this blog linked to it and a name tag stating i'm a birth mom. I'm really excited to share my experience as a birth mom and adoptee, hopefully I can provide some different perspectives.
I also feel very grateful that I can stay in touch with Karen, I consider her a really good friend of mine and this event will give me an opportunity to see her and my lawyer. He's facilitating a session on exploring the Adoption Options: A Legal Overview.
I kind of wish I had built some time into my schedule to sit in on some of the workshops, but I feel I can be the most helpful at the Parent Cafe. It covers everything from Adoption/Foster Care resources, Domestic Infant Adoption, Foster Parenting, International Adoption, LGBTQ Adoption, Older Child Adoption and Transracial Adoption.
Karen and I were texting about this event throughout the day yesterday (Veterans Day) while I was out hiking and off-roading in the Jeep with Sarah. I was telling Sarah all about it and we discussed how not everyone's experience is as smooth as mine has been, to make sure to highlight the difficult things just as much as the joys. I'll write a future post about some of the harder experiences my family and I have gone through when I was growing up in a later post.
Here are some photos of our hike up Big Schloss. It's a steep 2 miles up and a steep 2 miles down. I'm certainly not in the shape I have been and needed a couple of breaks, but it was also my first time out with my new pack with some weight in it. The views were incredible and the company was even better. A few photos from our trip:
Waiting in the Jeep for Sarah, puppy snuggles!
A girl and her GIANT dog. :)
Testing out my new pack.
Max, Mook and Sarah on a bit of a rock scramble.
One of my favorite photos of Sarah :)
Water Break. They are hoping I have cheese for them.
Off-Roading at Taskers Gap and Peters Mill.
I was telling Sarah about some stories I heard and articles I had read about some birth moms not being able to cope quite as well. It made me wonder if I was coping too well. That may sound dumb, but really.. should I be a bit more of a mess? I just keep telling myself there is no "standard" on how to react. Every single person has a different experience and every situation is different and each warrants their own response, and each is valid.
Sarah and I did talk about how different our day would have been had I made the choice to keep BB. It wouldn't be better or worse, just different. We would not have been out hiking and off-roading that's for sure!
I also realized I can tell a couple of stories about Dutch without feeling angry anymore. I told Sarah the story of how I backed into a car and how mortified I was that he was in the car and how he was kind enough not to tell our friends that night, but we could laugh over the looks we gave each other, and how mad I was when someone text me a anonymous photo with an old co-worker of mine on the back of his motorcycle. Thinking about the watch still makes me angry.
A friend who works with Dutch asked me if I regretted choosing adoption and asked if the question was too personal. No question is too personal, and "no," I replied. I have not regretted my decision for one moment. Sure, I get sad from missing out on certain things, but there is no regret, especially when I see the amazing photos of BB smiling and being loved and adored.
Macii sent me a text on Tuesday night with photos of BB, telling me how BB thinks monkeys are hilarious (Sarah and I agree- she's smart because monkeys ARE hilarious!) Macii also told me how she and Tom sat down and talked to some prospective adoptive parents and how it was interesting, like looking into a mirror a year and a half ago. I love that they are helping others too!
I sent them a second care package for Thanksgiving, I won't post the contents though until it has arrived because it has some really neat surprises in it :) I need to ask Macii if they mind if I post a couple of my favorite photos of BB, I always want to make sure I'm being respectful of their privacy.
I hope to see you all at the expo!
Oh! oh! oh! by the way.. Sarah has her own blog that highlights her incredible sense of humor and touches on her struggle with depression. I highly recommend checking it out: http://thedepressedhiker.blogspot.com/
